Judge — January 12, 1884 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. Paragraphical Inflictions. S this scientific essay it will be our aim to give the public bits of hitherto unrecorded history of that universal infliction known as humor. ‘The word humor is derived from a casual expression which Eve used unto Adam, out- side the front gate of Eden, while he wus in the act of hewing down a sycamore tree wherewith to make chips for ‘the morning ti This is copied rerbatim from the revised * And Eve thas spake unto Adam, who, desisting from his labors, was about te don his tig-loaf ulster, ¢ Mew More “Nad therenpon the spirit of Adar und rebelled: for on th: was going tebe a raMe in the tent of Mudds, of the tribeof Sudds: wherenpon he beeame muchly mad at the command of Eve, and moved by the spirit (aleoholic) he arose and danged her head with a knotty limb of the arose being ‘ris ix he first mention of bangs.) And thereupon the soul of Eve was filled with sadness, and she said not again * Hew More.’ “For lo! and behold thenceforward, when any of the sons of men were made sad it was called + Hew More,’ which in this depraved generation of pugilism and phonetic orthog- raphy was corrupted inte hrenor.” This disease known as humor has many fins and phases; the most viralent and ntagions is that known as Panning: its hografy is like antediluvian; for it is mentioned in’ the Mosaic revelation (our n translation) that Jehovah prem ished Adam and Eve by ¢ them from Eden. It is the opinion of many learned writers (principally ourself) that the first pun was perpetrated when Adam, remonstrating with his animated rib for eating the apple, daringly responded, “1 don’t care A dam! That phase of humor which deals with the plumber is also very ancient. Some people | who discard the authenticity of the Bible are of opinion that the deluge was the effect of boycotting the plumbers during a spring thaw. Again others think it was caused by the plumbers sitting idle during a shower, while their helpers went to the shops for the tools, The heron rampant is the emblem plumbers, because it has a long bill. Tho paragraphical — mother-in-law another of the humorous. disea with which the public is afflicted. ‘The “funny men” (bless the mark) could more earn their daily bread without their ever-recurring mother-in-law yarns, than could the cartoonist subsist without Tal- mage and John Kelly. ‘The mother-in-law isa bird of the feminine gender, discovered in Englandand brought to America. She is generally represented rampant, with a broom- stick in one hand and the remains of a son- in-law in the other. She is one of those domestic afflictions which male-kind is heir to, and isto be classed with rats and a smoky flue, She must be seen to be appreciated, The mule infliction is one of the * infant industries” of native production; it blooms in paragraphic profusion in the west, where every “continual reader ” looks for his mule story in every edition of his paper. The mule is very erudite in his rear-most cata- pults—experientia docet. The cease-to-be-funny infliction of tho Chicago feminine fect is also a homo product —the feet and the infliction, Any stories, to theeffect that recent inundations were caused jectin, j g | the | by a Chicago girl wading in the river, are as | base a fabrication as the legend that the | desert of Sahara was once a luxuriant garden | until a Chicago girl walked across it—leay- ing sterility and desolation in her track That autumnal infliction which visits these shores in the shape of yarns, in which our colored brother and the aqueous imclon ure mingled, is a disgrace which can only be removed by the extermination of the colored brother, or the melon. For the other inilictions we can offer no other remedy than to bear them in silence, awaiting the day when the funny men cease from troubling and the public ge At Dobbs Ferry, a short time since, one Wellington Schults engaged himself to Miss Kate Van Hart, from Philadelphia, Mav. doubts as to his ability to. maintain wife, he made his financial’ position known to the fair Kate, who. proposed to come on to Dobbs Ferry, marry him, and then return to the Quaker city and wait till he should amass sufficient means to support her in the style to which she was acenstomed. To this tlie yonng man consented; but on Thursday, when the expectant bride arrived with her best wom: nd a male attendant, Schultz didn’t © loom up,” and his daunted, went in search of him. The de- linquent was found in the village post-office reading a letter, Kate did not take him by of the head and lead him back to the hotel, but she scolded him roundly for his want of appreciation of the Hart so generously offered him. He said ‘he felt as if he deserved to lose it entirely,” but Kate didn’t let him off. Epwarp Rovan, the boss stage carpenter, who has confessed to setting fire to the Casino a few days ago, was employed for a time at the Standard Theatre. Mr. If. B. Lonsdale, the business mana- ger, had his suspicions aroused, and watch- ing Rough, became satisfied of his dishonesty and discharged him—watching him till he picked up his tools and left the theatre. Then he informed the door-keeper and at- tendants of Rouzh’s discharge, and requested them to never allow him to enter the doors tin, That Rough rough, who should be summarily dealt with, there is not a doubt. A cheneyMax, stroll through a gravevard, ¢ in-old) Trishiman who was indulging in a hearty fit of laughter.‘ What are y amused at in this lonely place?" asked the former. _‘ Begor! yer riverince, you'd laugh too iv ye'd plantid'a couple iv wives beyant in that lot as oi have; an’ had the proshpicts iv marryin’ anothir, wid a pig or two thrun into the bargin’,” said the Irishman, Noth- ing in the Celt’s reply recalled Gray’s Elezy in a churchyard to the divine’s memory. ng meditatively me suddenly upon you so Never doubt a -musician’s word when he says that he can’t play. Ten chances to one he can’t. —Philadelphia Call. It must break Tom Ochiltree all up to have some of the new congressmen ask him how he happened to come to be named for a race-hors Boston Post. A HEALTH journal advises: ‘‘ Do not lio on the left side.” It may be unhealthy, but what isa man to do when he is lying on the extreme edge of the bed, with a twelve months’ teething baby wedged in the small of his back? Turn over and spoil the in- fant?—Drake’s Travelers’ Magazine. fiancee, nothing | A Mistake. “TTAs any one engaged this seat?” I asked her as sh alone, Ter unswer came as low and sweet And pure as some fair angel's tone. ‘The August sky slept in her eyes, Her hair was amber Peris sip; While ri aught between her sighs, Were crushed to wine upon her lip. There seated closely by her side, T pondered on my lonelines Why should she not become my My sad and empty life to bless So fair as she must surely stir Beneath the power of love divine: And why not then make love to her, Arouse her love and call he mine? Til never kno hat T ss My brain was'chaos, fairly wild: She started, blushed, and drooped her head, And as I finished, faintly smiled. “Tthonght you asked about the seat,” She said. her color mounting high, « And so I only ean repeat, e seat is disnzaged—not 1! Drake's Travelers’ Magazine. Too Much for Him. “Wrrat willbe the dur tion of this equipage at tl quired a Boston maiden “ Which—who—what? stared at her with unfeigned astonishment. The young lady repeated the question, and the ticket-taker looked more blank than ever, Suddenly he smiled and politely said: * No, ma'am; there’s no such station on this road; but at the next stopping I'll let you off, and you can take the down train back.” She said fool. Ile passed on and imagined she was an es- caped lunatic. —Drake's Traveler's Magazine. tion of the cessa- next halt?” in- f the conductor. he gasped, as he sothing, but thought he was a MP on the scale, Unto s one day, “Tm used to weighing, “Til telly he butcher said ” said he, V what you weigh.” “ Ah, yes,” cane quick the sweet reply From lips seem made to kiss: “T'm sure, sir, that it would not be First time you've weighed amiss.” The butcher blushed; he hung his head And knew not what to a3 He merely wished to weigh the girl— Himself was given away. n Transeript. AN oyster will live to the age of twenty- six years. This is, in the sea he will. fn the restaurant the chances are ‘decidedly against him. Sometimes he lasts a long time in the restaurant; oh, a very long time. But he does not live so long as he lasts. — Burlington Hawkeye. “ Witat is a limited may “Well, my idea of where the ruler don’t have much to rule. “Givean example!” “ Anexample! Lem- me se! Well. if you was bossin’ yourself, for instance."— Yonkers Gazette. rehy, Johnny? limited monarchy is Tr is stated that the dentists of this coun- try use a ton of gold a year in filling teeth. We know it—we know it. We recollect perfectly when one-half that amount was dropped into a sensitive tooth of our’s at one blow. It nearly killed us,—Rockland Conrier-Gazetle. comicbooks.com