Judge — January 5, 1884 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

her acquaintance, and d by him, if she considers the settlement factory. Tn 1874 1 patented my ffe-a-fefe ottoman fortwo. If one of the two is not the right person his or her side of the ottoman will Instantly ¢ This invention has be- come most years. Tam now collecting its results. When prone patented the maid-servants? treasure to housekeepers, rset thi erful bed to siny hour she desires, the maid will be gut and the bed elosed with a spr dering return impossible, and insurmy early rising. In 1826 TV took out a patent form lines ea new kind of lines special use of happy young couples t their honey-moon on, Some have raised an objection to this invention, saying the lines rather hard ones. I wonder what they expected. In 1877 my patent was an ingenious toy for childrer represented the origin Iustorical ¢ horse which we read was ridden to Banbury This wonderful horse could neigh and crow alternately, and was ornamented. by cktail feat; course it was only meant to ea in cock tail skirts. It wa Some ladies who had mic wo + puro. birds in their hats, said that the feathers looked unnatural a absurd on a horse. In 1878 [ patented my infallible receipe for curing a sulking horse. It consisted of a galvanic butte the box. W the horse sulked, the coachman had only to join on aconnection with the bit, and the animal invariably proceeded without farther | remark, | In 1879 [ invented the ladies’ protective | club, It was heavily loaded with lead | properly applied, kept any average husband at home from those horrible clubs where they play cards and smoke tobacco. C: tion—These pro eclubs should not b trusted in a husband's hands, as they are sometimes dange if misapplied, Tn 1880 [ took out a patent for Hozias Huckaback’s bone manure. 1 boned every mal I met, and for some time ran a fl shing trade; but [, in ny turn, was. narrow-minded policemen, and had ) heavy penalty for my ingenuity. After this I went to travel for a time, as the little boys contracted a habit of shouting “Bones!” when they saw me, which I did not like. I visited the Fiji Islands, and would doubtless have be: ured there had T not fortunately pe an excellent recipe for cooking missionaries. This was my 1881 patent, and [on ved it by not permitti to watch the process. I effected my escape after a time, by obtaining permission to go in search of a wonderful herb which greatly improved the flavor of this wonderful dict. “I got back in 1883, and patented a number of useful inventions, amon others an infallible re- cipe for making people sit close in street cars, to accommodate their standing neigh- bors; a machine for forcing drivers to look before them on crowded cro: 3 an in- strument which preve: pking at more than forty articles in one store, unless thoy require at least one; and a patent pro- tector, which prescrves your eyes on wet evenings from the ri ring poked ont by your neighbor's umbrella, All these and many more may be seen at my office. All ladies and gentlemen wishing to purchase ¥ounder | tainly THE JUDGE. cful Christmas presents for their friends id call as soon as possible, as my offic even more dens wded than the side- walk outside Ma NoZtAs HCCKABACK Smart Little Ones. ‘Tommy awoke in the night and heard his father snoring fearfull “Mamma!” he cried, “I ca p again when papa ‘ ‘0 to s| nping out loud!” . Our little neighbor, Charlie was talking about his ¢ pusin ? s “he is lon; to his feet.” Vhat are you going to do when you grow up if you don’t know how to cipher?” asked er of aslow boy. “I'm going to be hool teacher and make the boys do the ciphering,” was the reply. Unele John has a little friend who some- times gets words mixed up rather funny, ¢3- pecially when excited. One day he wished bis shoes sent tothe ‘shoot and boo maker;” the next day he was tripped up ” by a pony who had ‘no sidle or bradle” on him. Willie was naughty one day, and his mother said she must punish him. Te did not agree with her, and tried to argue tho case. After the punishment began, he sobbed out, ‘* Mamma, I told you not to do it, and you went right on and whipped me widout any invitat Dumley was making an ovening call, and usin Wilber,“ How big is your sked. “Oh,” said Charlie, und long, and long, way down | the nice little hoy of the family had been to remain up a little later than usual, ‘* Ma,” he said, during a lull in the conversation, “ean whisky tal “Cer- not,” said ma. “ What put that absurd notion into your head?” “ Well he replied, “T heard you say to pa that whisky was telling on Mr. Dumley, and I wanted to know what it said. allowed “ NOTHING BUT LEAVES,” as the landlord | said when the last guest was going away. Sun and Moon. Earny one beantiful. morning, Moon was strolling down street on a mishing tour for a cocktail, (it havin I” the night before) it met the on a similar expedition. After speaking of the weather other little familiarities were p: Moon, remarked, conccitedly “T heard one of the highest compliments. dm t that ever fell upon my ears befe ard a sweet and blooming maiden say, as she sat beneath the heavenly re with her lo vy, dear, would that we could bask in the beautiful and be- | witching light of the Moon forever, as it sheds its soft and tender beams down upon the earth, and its lovely incandescent light over the whole of nature’s domain. Here, dear, with vou could I live forever, a blissful and indescribably happy existence, that no other human being in conjunction with any other heavenly body could impart.’ And then Charles glued his lips to hers, and I, proud of this compliment, put on my best Sun o-to-meetin’ beam; but gracious wlness,they were both moonstruc “Pshaw!” said the Sun, “TI receive greater compliments on my brillianey every Tt was only before yesterday, as T saw Venus out a_ promenade, I cut one of m and heard a beautiful young maiden who was swinging in a ham- nock underneath a tree, novel reading, say: “Oh, Sun, thon art the most brilliant and glorious planet in the heavens, Thou dost melt the inky darkness of night into the charming brightness of day and make all nature perfectly lovely with thy glowing effulgence. I could forever lie here, amidst thy bright rays as they glance through the foliage of the trees, playing hide and seek upon the green sward, and pass hours away in a bright dream of blissful enjoyment.” And over in a field opposite I heard a man remark; as he mopped the perspiration from |his brow: ‘Sun, oh Sun, thou art an ‘awfully HOT SON-OF-A-GUN The as the ire been un out and several sed, the anicintd nD micbooks.com