Judge — January 5, 1884 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

fT (el TT Dee ray NN The “Kerrect Kibosh” for groc Borrowmore Blower's Letter to The Judge. “Tr history of Jehoshap rd it till I’m sick and tired of the nd most heartily do I wish that uttered some other explanation of dis- gust for the bungling nurse to carry back to her mistre: Great Cesar! Jewhilikins! Christopher Colambus! In fact, anything but Jeh: phat. I’m still reading the Bible, but I haven't come to it yet. If I could get just the outline of the hi: incidents, particularly if the story is dry, to make it interestin Mrs. Blower. I was never considered an expert in story telling, and I must confess that when the auspicious moment came, I ed myself with reluctance in the large arm chair be fore the fire, my feet reposing on the foot rest brought for the occasion, and Mr Blower at my side looking happy and e: pectant. If some of our friends woald only drop | in now and help me ont of this dilemma, I said to myself. I hemmed and hawed, and half expected the bell to ring, but no such happiness for me, so I commenced. “Jehoshaphat, my dear, was a—Jehosha- phat was a man—a man, my dear.” “* Goodness,” broke in Mrs. Blower, ‘ you don’t suppose I thought for a moment he was a woman, do you “ Now if you want me to relate this h tory you must not interrupt me. There is nothing so fatal to story telling us interra tions,” said I. “It pnts one eompletely out—that is, quite off the track, and ina manner upsets the whole train of thonght.” “One would think from your remarks that you were going to give an extemporane- ons lecture, and not relate a family history which must be familiar to you,” said Mra, Blower. . “There you go again,” said I. “ You -remind me of Jawley, down at the office. No matter if the room is fall and you are in the midst of a most important discussion, he'll rush in—always out of breath, of course—and shout at the top of his lungs, ory, T could add little | ery clerks in this progressive age. to be done orthern Pacific to- wants to know, yon “1 say, Mister Blower, what jas that package of ‘D day? Broadkins know.’”” | “Of cou: e, the gentlemen I am in con- versation with are the very last ones I want |to know I have been buying Northern Pacific, so] make grimaces at Jawley and say, ‘you mean ¢ Western Union.””” “Do you think he drops to the situation? Not a bit of it. Me coolly takes up the , turns his back to me while he de- the label, and shouts, ‘ Northern the interview closed, and my collar. ‘You born idic you know iments public? ” “Northern Pacific, indeed; under the noses of the ve dodging, to shont my purchas y Teried. * Don’t tter than to make my inve: and right brokers I'm wrath,” said Mrs. Blower. “T don’t’ think | shout Northern Pacific, or any other ific to me again,” I aid.“ But pardon my « ion; 5 uption led me away from my stor} I said previously, Jehoshaphut, my reniowned relative, was a man, “T thought he was your uncle, on thé Blower side,” put in Mrs. B. “Goodness, my dear, how am I ever to get on with the history at this rate. You take so much for granted. You always did. I stick to facts, you know—cast-iron facts— handed down’ “from one generation to another.” “Bat wasn’t he really a Blower, my dear? Pray tell me that, before you go on with the history. “Why are you so anxious to know?” I asked, looking down in her expectant face. “ Because if his last name was not Blower, but something else, we'll put it in for a mid- dle name for our baby,” she said. “I almost hope it wasn’t, for it is so fashionable now to have two, three, and even four names. I feel as if our little one had been wronged in giving him only one.”” «Jehoshaphat was a ‘blower,’ that you visitors departed, I caught Jawley by the | ““T hope you didn’t injure him in your | | | Just at that minute little Jehoshaphat— from the crib in the adjoining nursery—set up such a tooting, that his being a blower could not be disputed. **Tfeaven bless the child! to go to him at on You will have ” 1 cried, and to my great relief Mrs, Blower disappeared within the curtained ree and I have another twenty-four hours to study up the history of my aucestor on the Blower side. A History of Myself. 1 BEGAN life as a baby boy. My father sa good old soul; my mother a good old s. And as I was their only child, I d solus in their affections. When I got older, I became a little boy, and my fond parents sent me to school. They said I was a little genius; my school- master said I was a little idiot. 1 have since discovered that I am not exactly either one or the other, but something between the two. All my life T had a dream of making my fortune by patents. My first patent was made at school and was a’ pad, which was so contrived that it rendered Dr. Tweezle’s birch quite innocuous, There was no hum- bug avout this. I tested it often myself, and sold pads to all the boys in the junior school, at the low price of ten cents apiece, and a written testimonial of their eflicacy, Talso patented a machine for grabbing the best grub at the table in the speedicst and quietest way; a rope ladder, with weights at- tached, by means of which we could scale the play-ground wall, and a roller with pul- ley and’ hook attached, an infallible contriv- ance for r x the good Dr.’s wig to the ceiling, but this latter never became popular, as there was too much danger attending the upplication of it. After I left chool, my parents induced me to make an e ut each of the learned professions in turn, but I found none of, them exactly suited me. So I resolved to follow the Lent of my inclinations and tal- | ents and become an inventor and a patentee. he foregoing sketch of my life, and the list I append of my patents, is not in the least intended as an advertisement. I have equired a reputation and amassed a fortune, which makes me independent of per pu is is merely a brief statement, which may hereafter be useful to my biographers and interesting to the public. In 1870 I took ont a patent for my famous stroying powder. It is most simple use, and when properly applied most It should be strewn in the path ect, Whether carniverous, omniv- ny other iverous. When they par- take of it their fate is sealed, In 1871 I patented my famons extract of snow berries for the hair. Highly recom- mended to ladies of fashion, ‘Turns the hair the most brilliant, beautiful and unusual colors. Equally efficacious in the czse of real or artificial hair, In 1872 I patented my famous plaster for euts and wounds, This wonderful plaster is warranted not only to heal but absolutely to restore the wounded part, even after am- putation. I tested it myself on a favorite dog, whose tail was accidentally cut off. Soon after, a tail grew, and on my applying it to the first tail a new dog grew. In 1873 I patented my ring borer. Sceing that the exigencies of fashion would soon require ladies to wear rings in their noses, I invented my patent painless borer and ringer. may rest assured of, my dear.” Ala be bored by any gentleman of comicbooks.com