Judge — September 8, 1883 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

needless—for n fale, for such w peless, unless I may fly to thy anne. that will cirefe me there orry-like sweets of thy Ny . Can a bee fh dares not to seek? Can he taste of a nectar, forbidden to sip? The Bet Wasn't Decided. ‘Tuey were « couple of rather dilapidated admirers of the “national game,” but they assumed the airs of railroad magnates a they squared themselves before the bar. They both called for whiskey, and did not take it homepathically, The drinks hav- ing been surrounded, they leisurely turned to depart. “Here, you old bums, come back here an’ pay for them drinks,” yelled the bartender. ** Bums? bums?” echoed the two men, “we're no bums, sir; you don’t understand the situation.” “T understand the situation to the amount of twenty cents, and if yer don’t come down with ther cash, I'll understand the situation with the bungstarter, yer miserable old blokes.” “But, my friend,” said one of the imbib- ers, ‘‘ there's a mistake on your part; there’s a bet connected with them drinks.” ** Yes, a bet,” chimed in the other man. * Bet be dashed,” vociferated the bartend- er, ‘horse out them twenty cents, or I'll bust yer heads,” and he brandished the bung- starter. “But, my friend,” continued the man who had ordered the drinks, ** you see we are ina peculiar situation as regards who shall pay for ther drinks. My friend here has just bet me ther drinks that ther ** Mets” can ‘‘shut out” ther Clevelands; but yer see there ain’t no game arranged yet, and though ther bets made, there’s no way 0” de- cidin’ it, and therefore you see we can’t tell who the drinks is on—mie or my partner.” THE JUDGE. STANZAS, TO AN IMAGINARY BRALTY, HOULD I write to dispraise thee, my too truthful verse Would halt with the lie on its lips unexpres'd Should [ write with more candor the case would be wor For my muse cannot know what my eyes have expressed. Shall | move thee with tears and implore th with sighs? Shall I gather the elements in Declaring heaven's blue to be sI eyes, And thy Checks to excel sunset’s rosiest ra thy praise? anied by thine Shall Tsay that the sunshine seeks shelter in mist When dazzled and din al by the gold of thy ered rose that thy soft lips t h with an envious de- all Task if old ocean hides jewels below ¢ bright than the pearls that thy light laughter shows? Shall 1 seek for a cha show That thy bosom doth not far more fairly dis w-full yin the a Shall [liken thy wing. mien to bright el showers, Thy voice to the spring pein pace to the swift swallow’s Thy lets forgetful of murmuring breeze of the Ti the eyer shed into scorn? est fruit hatié the most hopelessly high? «be eternally fenced with a thorn? Was loveliness mare bur Is thy lip only thine t Must the fa Must the Be kind and complaisant; or churlish, and keep Those beauties of thine till they drop, over-ripe— Extravagant compliments always are cheap And born, as were these, from three beersand a pipe. * Yes, yer see we can’t tell who has lost,” put in 2. ‘The bartender scratched his head medita- tively. ‘That's a very peculiar situation, [Il allow,” he answered; ‘very peculiar. I don’t exactly know which ‘one of yer to trouble for the twenty cents; blamed if [ do.” The two men beg thinking they had the dead w tender, when the latter yelled out, & W up here, both of yer. and ante a dime i I'm the acting stakeholder, an’ [ de clare all bets off! Trot out yer dimes then; quick!” And they trotted them out. MAINE ice-dealers only get about seventy cents a ton, as the highest price. As the ice retails in the city at about thirty cents a hundred pounds, and the consumers gener- ally get about half the amount they pay for, it looks as though some one made’a reason- ably fair profit out of the business A Froripa turtle will lay 150 eggs in a day, without making a bit of noise. Th shows that the cackling of a hen over one egg is without eggscuse, aud that the one who makes the most noise generally does the least eggsecution. Positive, two beers; compurative, ‘*p.f;” superlative, ** paralyzed.” A“ Great American head” is no indica- tion of unusual knowl Busbee: His Life and pressions. BY WILLIAM Im- Lae + Sit met What perils do environ he man who meddles with cold iron. Joucph Coburn As IT endeavored to show in my last ¢ ter, Bill, the cracksman, was not beautiful, but he was good—to me; and he was us brave as he was good. He feared nothing in this wide, wide world—yes, one thing—his wife! That’s nothing. “Tis known lots of others are afraid of the same thing—not Bill's wife, but their own, And in every case that came under my no- tice, the wife that was feared was alittle wo- man. Paraphrasing old Mr. Weller’s advii mivel, should say to mine, if he ex- hibited matrimonial intentions, ‘ Beware of the little ‘uns, Sammy; beware of the little to his son Little women contain more concentrated deviltry to the square inch than could be boasted of by three giantesses rolled into one. Why this should be so [am unable to say. I merely record a fact I have gleaned from a wide experience. The big steamers plow steadily along thro? wean of life but little disturbed by the yping seas on which the small eraft bob and duck and dive, and flop and splutter and splash, and strain their timber nd start their bolts, and all the while the seas keep on chopping, and chopping, and chopping! It’s just the same with me Show me a married ce great big hulking husband, and a little tot of a wo- | man who barely reaches to the third button of his vest, and I'll wager five to one that she does all the bossing in that blishment. | Jn her little hand, for which she ean rarely get gloves small enough, reposes the sceptre of that matrimonial kingdom; she is the queen bee who sends out that massive laborer of hers to gather the honey, which she takes charge of, and regulates and disburses to the colony over which she rules supreme. "Tis she who examines the children in their stud- ies; “tis at her frown that little Jimmy trem- bles when the piercing eve of mamma discov- ers the rent that his wicked day’s doings have brought to the immaculate pair of pants that in the morning clothed h fittlo nbther limbs with unbroken texture; ‘tis her hand that scars the tender flesh of helpless boy- hood, and causes those howls of anguish to | perforate sweet evening’s placid hours, and although each spank indents itself into the | big soft heart of gigantic papa, he dare not —the cowardly Colossus—raise voice or lift up finger to avert the smack. Yet, given science, that man would stand up in w six- foot ring with the Maori Slade or champion Sullivan, and, though knocked out, his pluck would not be questioned. | Reverse the picture. “Large, well-formed, broad-chested wife, carrying her five-feet- nine-inches of solid womanhood with the re- gl bearing of a queen. Husband, a mere hop-o'-my thumb; even with the extrancous aid of false heels not reaching above the mark of five feet three-and-a-half inches; narrow- | breasted and weak-kneed, with nothing large | about him but his moustache, his feet and his sel eit; but, sir, you shall see that mag. | nificent specimen of fully-developed, g ind | majestic womanhood kneel down in abject adoration before that shrinkage of male hu- manity; you shall see her bow before his im- perious will—and when that cheeky little comicbooks.com