Judge — August 18, 1883 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Hoe orp —but not wealthy still; Country beard we'll ve Ne Even the moss Ml our pretty AM V “have Ofas numer’s boarding His Own Valuation. of money suddenly with information, but 0 fe friend might convey the sad tidings with even more fatal precipitation, 1 1 and ected, nor ean Tas they do in novel vet my woes by plunging into the No, [ cannot: for however wmay be, it still ad- tionalities as to dress, arance in public a thing of no pleasure to myself, and of but fleeting mito my friends. — My last suit was Ito buy adeper, and the ticket, No. still pinned at the heal of my bed. mouldy vesture of decay I still possess, as a society garb, it would be hailed, [ . with too much blatant enthusiasm and Je real respect . being ed to my bed, with my traw hat and its blue band) mocking me m the wail, [ pored over the pages of THe ip—and exreka! (Lam not so pedantic ut the difference of a tense or ne good old verb eureka is con- Tam ter upon v Dean Jone 1 would not ce ertal e my apy conti two where t cerned.) Thad it! [saw that ‘Ti: duper desired contributors to affix go their articles their own valuation, Boonful inno her in the habit of affixing valua- tion, and, [grieve to add, that in all my ex- perience as a contributor, this valuation has heen ridicnlonsly low. It has neve above a cent: anda half a pound, at this latter sum, which you will at or tebe but i papers a er the manifest evils of this system ed to write, but now that [ean affix my own valuation, Twill rise again npon the world, breaking, like the first’ part of King Heury LV., through the foul and ugly mists of vapor that did, &e. a1. T thought Ud better affix the valuation be- fore [forgot it. Money matters are so apt my mind, [make the price as great suse T want to buy a bathing suit © star, so | can join the giddy the beach in the forenoon, and sometimes ine the M. on the sk people if they don’t find it te dre With mys w hat and a restaurant fun I shall do first rate. Ihave told you why I make my valuation is T'do. ‘The question will now as itis, be 1 bh ” with throv THE JUDGE. "RY BOARD. Let us leave the city’s streets Where the dust is blow And the air is healthy. Country prices can't arise in your mind why I make it sosmall. It is because Lam modest and do. not know my own worth. —[f Tdid, I should demand a dollar and a half, and maybe two: dollars, But’ joking aside, as people say when nobody laughs, T don’t believe T can joke more than fifty cents’ worth in this ar- ticle, any I tell you it’s a hard thing to be funny when you're lying in bed like that dreadful little Henry’ who previously sat onthe inverted basket and fe in the Third Reader. You probably remem: ber the story of how this great crin | sent to bed by his grandmother for deluding thedog in the first paragraph, and how he the next] id heard, nthe open window, the merry ve of his playmates as they picked the pears, and how the de me up to his room bring- ing the biggest pear of all in his mouth wc his tail simultaneously in forgive- s Tlie awake Thea ; e they click their teeth and cheat each other at croquet, and 1 keep a watch on the door to see if one of the I have thoughtlessly wronged and kicked, won't come in with a wag of his tail and a new novel or u plate of strawberries. But no, they cometh ne Afriend of mine ia naturally up the other xpliined the impossibility of lending me five dollars, and [ told him to sit down, as T was expecting a dog up every minute with some beer for us. He laughed heartily, and began to tell a story of his own dog. “Why, FM let you have tl “while you're in this fix he’s just what you want. ** Because he don’t need any clothes?” I eked, He laughed heartily again and said: “Oh, no; but he’s just what you want; he'll fetch beer for you.” I asked him how he worked the dog to make him to do it. “Why, it’s simple enough him upand pat his head Yes,” said 1, quite interested. this “head and you just call ay beer to him once “Well, telligent beer to him once Yes, you y beer to him ¢ ording to the want "said 1, ** what an in al and say and mes, you t his head, you know, we or twice or three number of bottles . you put the money right in his mouth, you know, and off ‘I go old Jack, and bring the beer quicker'n a wink.” “Oh, he will, will he?” said [, rathe cooly uldn’t do the trick without the Never I said sare 1 de that. 1 «I for what min keep any s yrefer a dog that can get trus beer I need.” But, Jup ing tedious. you'll exeuse me, Ex-Ponicemas Necext and his in his recent tra exploit, have promptly consigned by Je Jersey prison. The * pal for the failv “plant,” he merely ¢ ed Cashier Smith with the lead piy ead of © knocking hin n the first saying that his experience as spoiled him for other exploits, It seems he ot that his weapon was a mere inoffensive piece of lead pipe. He imagined that he was still wieldit ly locust, which, by a much lighter tap than he administered, would bave at once annihilated the unfortu- nate vr. Tt was sad, but Nugent's failure enables us to modify the h aphorism, Let the cobbler stick to his a In future it will be, Let the policeman stick to his club. niece of lead pipe efficient weapor plaber: in Nugent's have dreamed of using it. [le would simply ented his bill, have carried off of boodle from the paralyzed cashier with perfect ¢ ed hands. A would never Ligutsine recently struck four hundred and fifty pounds of dynamite near New Or- ans. “To say the lightning was surprised is a mild Way to speak of the way it was knocked out. + SILENCE a creditor is le comicbooks.com