Judge — December 9, 1882 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. POLITICAL DARKNESS. turat earih feelin y lof farewell-t i , is vies nd not desiring, to ne twins, yor ‘Thoold Gacdibe was bested, and toe boys will circumvent the ridiculous ambition of your limbs Did wander tn low spirits around the streets by sitting down on the ice, Aud you sit down wi Dead broke and shivertog, and the broken slate much earnestness, so tomultuously, so all-in a-heaped Swung unioviting now bebind the tar, Men came and weat—and cane, but never @ treat, Tue boys forgot the party tn the ebit thetr tilay," when they were = te" 10g ood old times recatied. Jil rake the bonGres—and olf stoops, ry-goods boxes, sbutters, all could touch or plimbie bands ¢ Were barat for teacons; Mil-boards were consuniel ue oka iti laces seuat your spinal column 1s neither driven six inches throu § others ce: the few nor forced a foot higher than your Hurrels were set on fire—but hour by hour soothingly rub the sor They fell apd faed—and the crackling hoops name of the insu Extinguiatyd with @ crash—and all was black, $10,000 poticy 0 there xat Robeson with ilespaiting 100% . Retecting on the navy be bad bulit, ‘Ousmuat nek. mat ‘Ships salloriess lay rotting on the sea, your f wn plece meal; and be wept The ch lations, now no m bed by degrees; but two Of an enormous party did survive, Kelter and Hiscock; they were powerless For Robeson pulled the pappet strings Go more. Ad Arthur ness, that your first u and ran home for a pil th and astonishment w, and put it where Aut, we the mos Ad th don't do any is 80 foolish You would become target for well-merited ridiew Rather, thank your stars that you are not construct | of glass; and a becoming fally convinced To look once more Into e et collar, ad the A Which you bok tmudue haste in getting up t. This advice, however, may be superfluous. that you will be as | And their masts fell nee as a man wi Tho contid the radim isurely about it Por fat app king. by the day for a city corporation. The crowd was f you lose a dozen suspen When Julius Cs pts of skatin buttons, don’t los with Was ‘wresill we he didn’t. give up in the White House lonely sat ter taking an enforced seat on the cold, erel ice, in Weeping oer Folger with a piteous moan, various positions, some twenty times in le half tT! boss gone up Salt Creek: | an hour. He persevered, and wa ni Fils, and patronage 5 nil's Jaen all vant e Democrats uow rule the roa | Seat, onda lamp: Seelpatis —w.a.¢. | Plato, beeam sing hims On Skating. minutes, and we t home declaring that fan to let a Western torn a person, » slam a barns nist down—-or it WITHA FEM HINTS TO BEGINNERS. ‘ might have been up sto th being able to Lransiva to skate is fall of excitement, health, | (vit ‘ ee bilarity and sore spots—especially the latter. We [one , allade to the variety on kee. The roller brand is to | _ [Hating rezainel your fect once more. you will « out with a little you will glide * What the steel runner pastime what mi ety nll fOr a fee yards cham When you wish to master the art of skating, you will yeral water is to ke a veteran, and mentally fant How delightful! exclaim, How——" At this point your legs may become sort procare a pair of high-toned skates. Throw them | 17? 7 or ois ie across your shoulder and walk boldly down to the | OF demon , bene rnpeunitin in order to create the impression that you are a ° suse ea te other w fee nin the You will instinctively you will seek a « business; but when you reach the ice luded spot to make the initiatory that an unpleasantness is in and legs and ns of your anatomy are effort. Don't mingle with the crowd, Your first effort thalis : ving to play a star engagement. Yougmust nip the to cut an intricate figure may result in “cutting a | Eons 10 Bad & sla ihe al : impending catastrophe in the bud by ¢ pretty figure,” and affording the spectators much ere ee ee naan ee att j riment. Your rash attempts to stand on every portion | '°s ® sa ap ere Wy onter: to k your imp us, The jee may fly up ai of your body save your f you would not relish. Buckle on one steel securely and essay to atand || —— t foot before fastening on the other ekate, and you will be hugely surprised at the latent cussedness suddenly developed by that leg. It will shoot out from the other as if it was possessed of an abnormal desire to travel through the world during the remainder of its existence without its mate, and in order to avoid becoming a split ticket, as it were, you will sit down without waiting for an invitation, You will ait down rather emphatically, perchance, bat if the ice is four inches thick you will not go entirely through it. For a few moments you will experience some of the stern realities of life, and wonder if it was a piece of the ‘omet or simply a meteor that struck. Then yoo will cautiously corral the left foot and fasten on the other skate, Next endeavor to assume an upright position, and before you get much straighter than a croquet wicket you will wobble with threatening wobbleness and reach for the unattainable. Being unable to asp it, you will sit down io an underscored sentence with the buttons on the rear of your coat uppermost. t fail to caress your nose affectionately, laugh y, facetiously allude to the fall of man, and don't swear. Remember the Shakesperean motto, “If at first you don’t succeed, try until you do,” or words to that effect. With a tte circumspection, you will ultimately ter the skill of standing upright on a pair of skates, bat you may for a few instants be undecided whether to blow out your brains vith a p “strike out” with your right foot. You will ¢ clude, however, to resort to the latter extremity, as death is not so sudden, and “strike ont.” The repre- hensible manner in which that leg starts out on an Arc: tic exploring expedition, while the left as suddenly and inexplicably scoots off towards the southern seas, will might elicit comment that ol or of your skull, but you will stop, You may ! son that ce on the rear of your brain And when you feel a stran ceptacle you protubera tly how in the world your nose «lid around on the o posite side of your Lead with such | phenomenal celerity, Upon discovering your erro off to murder the man who sold ned, you the skates. 1 the latest comic oper oy’ impulsively sta: Bayly whistle the late dU Jet your sympathie u-Islanders, who are doomed toa pid all that the at to the South S life barren of ice and imply. € be and spring to your feet wit 1, as you have seen professionals do, and aft more bu ps than a phrenol nipulated, you may be able to navigate sl without pout w ice with your I once in tive minues, You will now to attempt to skal sufficient contitence in vou mt e #8 8 8 8 Lt You discover, aa if hy attempt to sk: the firmament than a hoss it fe, that | ner & er dreame jn his philosophy; an any one had told you only ten minut under certain conditions, ahout ten millions of tras sible in broad daylight 1 would have accused him of stabbing trath in a spot nt comets would f skating backwards is fi and pyrotechnical display, with brilliant transformation sce place until you attempt to make a jump of five feet, at the rate of fourteen miles an hour. T skies seem to come together with a crash, and when able to hobble about on crutches, your friends will chaff you by asking who knocked you out in thr ska nay look very difficult, but really take long “Your Unele Benjamin” gands to eve F. Hoar, presents his kindest rv ly in Massachusetts XCEpt, perhaps, Geor OWELL nis announced as the legal adviser” of Mrs egal adviser like *mobbled quec Now if Tue Jepar | might only be permitted to advise the “legal adviser," he would advise the viser toadvise Mrs, Lang: er and his like a certain ¢ and his ducats, are soon parted. ND IS ENABLED TO MAKE A CHOICE FROM THE VARIETY OFFERED. comicbooks.com