Judge — September 9, 1882 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

OUR POPULAR FARCES. THE SUMMER CAMPAIGN. REPORTED BY “ED. and Present. Cutaracters In to Mr. AVERAGE. Mrs. Averac Scrxe Finst.—Sitting- Room of the AVERAGES Curtain rises, disclosing Mr. and Mrs. Aven. conrersation Mrs. A.—Gec Past. orgy, dear, do you kr what date it Mr. A. (saragely.)—I ought to. The 220 of Juni Hada't I to pay that confounded note of Brown's to- day? Mrs. A ‘Are you aware that the De Lacys have gone to New- port, the Parting to Safatoga, and the Knyphausens | to the Mountains? Mr. A.—I don't caro if the De Lacys have gone to Oshkosh, and the Partins gone to Barren Island, at the Knyphausens go yhow. Mrs. A.—We ain't! William, are you sane? not go anywhere! Have you no regard for Cleo and Daisy, your daughters worn out with midight study of — Mr. A.—Cards and bar-rooms and race-tracks. he needs relaxation and rest! Next year h aw! ain't goin; ‘Mrs, A. (severely). —William, you were always down upon that poor boy. Suppore he isa little ever sot Ah, Mr. Average, the night that y made master of your horrid lodge of bricklayers, or masons, or whatever you call ‘em, did not I surpri you at three a.¥., in the kitches, trying tomake Salad out of a red flannel liver-pad and t jam? Yon were not fi ‘oh, no, you were obst pet geran- Mr. A. (testily).—Don't b me. Mrs. A.—Bat I will, William, we must go to the country; candidly, we must get the girls married. you know, is near twenty-six; although whem she is all fixed up with her false hair, and has had her face mask on for a night, no one would know it. SI must step off this sammer. And Daisy, am sure she will meet her fate this summer. Besides, just think | how nice it will be for you after the toil of the day to roam out to a nice country home. Mr. A.—Eliza, {can’t afford it Mrs, A.—I say it don't settle it; we will go to the country. Sooner than not go I will go ont for days work, for I have tho welfare of my family at heart, You may d> as you please, but I and my children will go. Mr. and that rettles it 1.—Where? Mrs. A.—To the Boojure Springs. Mr, A.—Nice place to go for poor p lars a night for a bed on a billiard-tabl to look at the clock. Mrs. A.—But think of our children. Freddie De Peyater, who I really think will soon propose to Cleo- will be there; so will Eddie O'Brien. A.—His father used to run a faro bank. Mrs. A.—What of that? Wasn't bis father killed in a fight, and left Eddie all of his money. Look at the Simmonds’; all of their money was made in policy, yet they move in the best of soci Daiay quite a bit. would not ti Boojare Springs le. Six dol- and a quarter Eddie has been after He asked! her but a week ago if she ht, 2 to see a quiet dog: And, William— He goes to Mr. A.—Well? Mrs, A.—You've heard of Flora Flimsey? Mr. A.—That freckled-faced girl with a wart over her eye, who was at our party? Mrs. A.—Mash! Tho freckles were only imperfec- tions of the skin, and the wart, I think, adds to her beauty. She is awfully rich, an orphan, and worth five handred thousand dollars. Mr. A.—What moots it to ua if she is worth five millions? Mrs. A.—A great deal in love with Hercule: actions, in her very gait. too. Mr, A.—Lat ber rip. [ won't go. Between you and I, she is | Tean see it in her eyes, in her She goes to Boojure Springs, A Tramp. — Jug EROUS OF! if yer'lt gimme a good square meat, PU mak ER. dorg.” Mrs. A. (majestically). —Mr. Average, [ repeat, that you will Mr. Av we 1 kept a secret from you, nourished it like a viper in my bosom. Mr. Avera the wife of your b m. the mother of your children, has a canker-sore upon her lung, and the doctor says that nothing bat the mineral water of 5 long b Boojure Springs will cure it And what is more, Mr. Average. I have engaged board already. [Mk. Averace faints, Tableau of Mrs. Avenacr triumphantly gazing on his prostrate form.) Pres AGE pac Mas. , trareling bags, and oth SCENE, SECOND, —Same as atore. I. (Curtain rises, revealing Mn. AVE ly up and down, tearing his hair. Avrract Trunks, bor impedimente of trarel scattered about the room.) in tears. Mr, A.—Ab’ yah! wangh! Got back, haven't you’ Got back with a bill of five hundred dollars, and I don't know where next month's rent is coming from. I will have to borrow of my book-keeper, of my office-boy, of everybody, to pay it Mrs, A.—Itisn’t so much, Mr, A.—Oh, no, of course It's amere trifle! I carry five bundred-dollar bills just like Ido consh drops in my vest pocket. Ob, money's no object with me—I ain't got any. Five hundred dollars—for what ? Mrs. A, (timidly).—Just see how well Lam, Mr. —Well? You were well when you left. You have owned yourself you've lost six pounds, and x laid ap with chills and fever most of the time you re Bat the childrer Mr. A.—Mang the children! Freddie De Peyster. He was He must have been, awfal. Where's he gone now? Gone to Cuba with that rich widow he married. And here is Cleo back, sallow and pale, and looking as if she had gone through a war. Mrs, A.—She tried her best to marry. Mr. A.—That was it, She tried too much. they — Cleopatra w ne on tomarry YOU sa And Daisy. She caught that O'Brien fellow—like fta. Mrs. A.— He took her out riding the first night we were there. Mr. A.—And next morning sailed for Europe with- out leaving his card. Mfrs. A.—She was nearly engaged to Mr. Blank. Mr. A.— And she would have been nearly engazed to that rascal of a cornet-player in the hotel band if T had not chanced to tind ou already. Mrs. A.—Yon are too cru Mr. A.—Too cruel ? assuredly so, The young | servant girl, T got a le | this morning. He'll g nation-topped wi with icicle pie all wi Mrs. A. William, 1 will Mr. A Jet me leave your comforta for the season. an tiv er. that neve ble city Jus hat anit goes to the cl go next year.) (rne wife at Lo id: “1s slasher be? It is past posin’.” When the milk curdi When fever sets 10 wri Tousenold alarmed, Then good mot ‘That Castoria cure Vin." Th st quality, dry, ILES PI weeks, without knife, ligatu lar containing references. DR. $1.000 tanta: also The Wo REWARD for a Decurss CoLoaxE. Hercules married Miss Flimsey, You ought to swoon. It is all infernal nonsense (Mas. AvERaaE siro0ns, arhile Ma. Avenaae jams on y, Honora, where can Mr. Ink- be keeping him away “Och! shure, don’t worry, ma’ down beyant thare, at the baitch, decom- baby has pains at dead of night ers learn without i to tine and creams? Yes walter! a bottle of " MONTIGNY.” RMANENTLY ERADICATED IN d's Pair. and was pronounced the best 1n ‘world for pangency, strength. and delicacy of odor. jade of Ottar of Roses and French Flowers, at that he bad five uel ass married a red beaded my He and bis ear- forgiveness like fun, ‘on love and eat snow-balls swoon! It will do you good. or, nerer, SEVER will you home to go to the cotntry ub. AU the same, they will eND.] ng Branch to her Irish What can “* Maid: m; he’s only lunch time. so long? baby will ery, baby may die, per ina plight; ay + by night and das, Fe oF caustic. Send fo HOYT, 36 West 27th st. fume lke Read's GRAND t took first preminm at At itis comicbooks.com