Judge — August 19, 1882 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

WHIZZED TO GLORY [Another dotorous rhythinie ch lenge to GW. Chitis? etegiae Hv: was the pride of the family, ‘The Joneses’ only son, And, of course, to please the darling boy Which he took oat in the alleyway And aimed square at bis eye. The Joneses now are minus a son— Me whizzest his Denver Whisky. BY BOB BRAIN, A fluids that ever set the OF all the aceurst entrails of the human animal on fire, Denver | A pint of it, taken | corn whisky is the worst, in judicious doses, will transform a man into a candidate for the lunatic asylum quicker than anything in the world, not excepting love, soda water, and Detroit Free Press humor, while a quart will transfer a man into such a howling wilderness of snakes, orang: tangs and other reptiles, that even his eveditors wouldn't know him, and his photo- xraph would resemble a select group of ani- mals in the xantho-tloridus age, besides mak- ing him so unscrupulous that he wouldn't hesitate to pick the pockets of little girls for wax, or to make his aged grandmother on his second cousin's side saw the wood to light the kitchen fire. When a man wakes up in the morning after caressing this fiend incarnate to the extent of about five glasses, he feels as though he had been serving in the useful capacity of a blacksmith’s anvil, or had been used as an exhibiting ground by a enteen-clephant circus. In my latest encounter with this “blood of the maize,” as the advertisement eloquently alls it, Lhad occasion to be appointed ver for about five glasses, and firml: lieve that tive hundred would have kicked up than that five. To give some of this spiritual epizootic of the stomach, let me give my condition when the curtain fell at the end of each gla ‘rst Glass, —Feel joyous and remark he. less racl ea ably cheerful, and in a wild fit of generosity pre- sent a bootblack with a copy of a tract enti- tled: “No excellence without labor; be virtu- ous and you will be happy.” Condition, in brief, is havesomemoreical. Do so. Second Glass.—Partial eclipse of the sun; moonhght, however. Two shooting stars come in and amuse themselves with parting my hair in different styles with their revoly- ers. [ask ifthere is an y offense meant, and they assure me there isnot, and to convince me of it, shave a small wiener wurst off my ear with a pistol slug. ‘They then force me to drink another schooner of this blood-mnaize with them. Am afraid to refuse. Third Glass.—Am amusing small boys by cooking eggs held in my hands. Beef-steak: cook readily on my forehead. My clothes smell scorched. Lam warmer. Oh, no; I should think not. veral_ parties have just cooked a leg of mutton by holding it on my stomach. Potatoes roast re: Ihave a glimmering idea that Am not drunk yet, however. ly when Porciar Sexes ILwestraten.— When the Springtime comes, gentle Annie." held under my armpits. to cool off, Drink more whisky Fourth Glass, — Imagine I'm different things. I suppose I am slightly intoxicated. Y , Twill have to admit it, for I have im- zined successively that I am the Brooklyn Bridge Samuel J. Tilden, a bow! of soup, the | New York Custom- House, George Francis Train, and a parlororgan. 1am a grain ele- vator now, and took firehalfan hour ago. 1 am burning terribly. Have just telephoned the fire department to come and put me out. Thank Heaven, [am out at las Fisth Glass, —They are putting me on ice in erator, ‘Thank Heaven! dersigned ice and retrigerator can s\ can, nd it, Mlright, as I was saying, yes— OLP Abe Buford, the Kentucky war-horse, has been converted, and he will not drink mint juleps, sherry smashes. In fact, it is only as a medicine that he consents to give his horses a bran mash, cobblers, or A corskT . suse in Massachusetts has been looted. Three hundred of these suits of ar- mor were taken in one mght. This iv the biggest corset steal on record. Somrof the Indian maidens make stockings of basswood. Striped bass stockings would be good for a Long Branch season, Same, shame! Pasha the ‘ Somebody calls Arabi il Hamilton ” of Egypt. QureN Victoria wearsa little manve feather. In windy weather it will not come mauve. ** Ts there balm in Gilead ?” Stupid ques- tion. Consult the patent medicine adver- tisements, Balm! Well, we should gently snicker. If the un- | brandy | By inixing old cider with new, harvest apple cider, the inhabitants of certain part Pennsylvania produce speedy intoxicating elects, and “see stars.” These effects are, therefore, in a measure, at least in a quart measure, responsible for the victim's map of the cidereal heavens. How to discover your real worth: Become suddenly poor, 16 man who was under a cloud has got over it. Covrtsip to be avoided: Police court-ship, ERNHARDT is presumed to live on neh role, Saran How to discharge your duty to your ecan- ‘y: Get an office with aI ry, und then hire somebody to do the business ndsome. s of it. pdupor has asked con the subject of his pecuniary alfai which, he says, have become go deranged that all of his li ‘3 have gone out of his inind, It is to be inferred that any proffered advice might follow the liabilities. “FLAT” of the sword: The incompetent army officer. Castoria, How tates’ stomachs once dit sour, How doctors physicked by the boat, How mothers cried, how they maute How babies kicked, how they squalted, Tit eweet Castoria ct knife weeks, withot lar containing Fe $1.000 ligature, DR. HOYT, 36 West 2 REWARD for a pertume tke Read's Gnaxp Deewess CoLoaxe [t took Arst premium at At: Ianta; also The Worll's Pair. any the world for punvacs, strengt of Ottar of Roses and Prench Flowers, comicbooks.com |