Judge — May 20, 1882 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. OUR POPULAR FARCES. OUR MODERATION SOCIETY. BY “ED.” -FICTION AND FACT. CHAR: CTE PRESIDENT OF Mopenation Society. First CierK. Second CLERK, THIRD CLERK. Scene Finst.—Public meeting of the Moven- ation Socrety.—(Fiction.) President (addressing public and reporters, especially reporters),—At this the first meet- ing of our society it pleases me to report the grand, unqualified, phenomenal success of our crusade against the Demon of Alcohol. We look at the Temperance question in a plain, practical, business-like way. We are not fanatic Prohibitionists, we do not favor the total abolishment of liquor, for we are aware that since the earliest ages of the world men have drank, and will drink until the world ceases to exist. Therefore, our watchword has been and will be—Moderation, (Ap- plause.) \Vith that upon our banners we will march onward to success. (Cheers.) I, myself, am, as you know, a big grocer, and I am an Anti-Monopolist, because I do not want anybody to monopolize anything ex- cept myself. I believe in Moderation even in monopolies. (Great applause.) I employ two hundred and fifty clerka—bright, manly fel- lows—who have all joined the society of their own free will, because they knew that they would be discharged if they did not. Some employers would have forced them to sign the Total Abstinence pledge. I did not; I see no harm in a man taking a glass of beer, or sar- saparilla cock-tail at night, after his day's work isdone. (Cheers.) Why, after my day's work is done, I frequently go around to the Dutchman’s with a pail myself. (Uproarious laughter.) Therefore, 1 only requested them to sign the pledge that they would not drink during business hours! That is the great key- note of our success. No man who drinks dur- ing business hours can be successful. I never drank during business hours. My business hours are generally from one till two, so you sce whata great deprivation itistome. Allof my clerks signed, and all, I believe, have kept their pledge. What isthe result? You never see an intoxicated employee about my place, and I have done a bigger business than ever before. (Applause.) Why, I dosuch a large business that I actually have had to take pos- session of all the sidewalks about my store and let the public walk in the car-tracks. There isa grand result of moderation. (Sits down, Is wildly applauded by clerks, Gets up and bows. Receives a basket of flowers, Bows. Is hit in the eye bya Louquet. Bows and retires.) Scenr Seconp.—(Fact). Offices of President of the Moderation So- ciety. Time, early morning. First CLERK at his desk, fast asleep. Enter Second CLERK. 2a Clerk.—Hello, Billy. Ist Clerk (wakes up).—That you, Ned? 2d Clerk.—Guess it is, Holy smoke! Ist Clerk.—What ails you? A COUNTRY “Ah! the city boarders are coming! Johnny, go an’ kill that guse. down tu the store for a dozen fresh eggs. SCENE. Borrer Mr. Hand's cow, au 90 2d Clerk.—JSust lookat my head. Had to put my hat on with a spade this morning. Ist Clerk.—Off again? 2d Clerk.—Well, rather. Don’t believe I drank over two kegs of beer last night—carried home. By theway, you don’t look very brand- new. 1st Clerk.—Blamed if I can hardly see my desk. I was out, too. 2d Clerk.—Racket ? Ist Clerk.—Yes, sir, a regular Jumbo of a racket. Was with old boy McNoodle. 2d Clerk.—And the President of our Moderation Society ? Ist Clerk.—Of course ; but what difference does that make? He has pledged himself not to drink during business hours, and he hasn’t got any business, Can keep full all dayif he wants to. 2d Clerk,—Hang the Moderation Society. I would give my whole week’s salary for a cocktail. It would brace me up and make me good for all day. As it is, I'm no good for anything. 1st Clerk.—Or I, either. Why, before I joined the Moderation Society I used to take a drink or so during the cay, and didn't think of drinking at all at night. But now— I suppose it is human nature—I get full every blessed night, just because I dare not drink during the day. 2d Clerk.—Just my case precisely, and— hello ! here comes Pete. (Enter Turrp CLERK.) 3d Clerk.—Hello, fellows !" lst Clerk.—Hello, Pete! What is the matter with your eyes? They look like burnt holes in a blanket. 8d Clerk.—They ought to. rk.—Last night 1 left. feeling weal. Hadn't had a drink all day. Moderation So- ciety, you know. Meta couple of the boys. | Got full, natur&l consequence. 2d Clerk.—Just our fix, precisely. work to-day. Tean't 3d Clerk.—Me, too. 2d Clerk.—Well, what will we do about it? ‘What I want is a square drink. That is my caper. And mine, Ist Clerk.—But having pledged our words and honor not to drink during business hours, we can’t smile. Bd Clerk — } Decidedly not. 1st Clerk.—Then we only have one resource. Don't let us have any business hours to-day. 2d Clerk.—What do you mean? 1st Clerk.—We'll all get permission to go to @ funeral somewhere. Anybody’s funeral. Look at the paper and sce if some prominent man ain't dead. If we go to a funeral we ain't upon business—see ? Can drink all we want to. 2d Clerk.—Great idea. Go brace the boss, Billy. (“Buty doesso, Selects a public funeral, and he and friends are allowed to go. Never see the funeral—get gloriously full. Arrive at work next day, just as broken up as evcr. Grand triumph for Moderation Society. [Corrain.] Or what earthly practical use will the North Pole be to any one even if it should happen to drift far enough south to be discovered? comicbooks.com