Judge — May 20, 1882 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. life-size portrait of a once familiar face and form, clad in gorgeous uniform, mounted upon a prancing charger, and surrounded by scenes of warlike carnage. “That,” replied my informant, ‘that is the portrait of the great and only James Fisk, Jr., once colonel, but now major- general of the Jupiterean National Guard, and commodore of our rial Navy. Have you never met this man whom the people de- light to honor?” “Why, surely, yes, this must be the ‘Prince of Erie.’ I knew him well, Horatio. Where, oh, where can he be found? I'd in- terview his serene highness. Pray present me forthwith to his royal nibs.” “Certainly; he'd be glad to see a Bohemian from earth; he was always partial to news- paper men. Come with me, sweet cherub, and we'll forthwith visit the Prince. You must know that his royal nibs is now presi- dent, treasurer, and almost entire board of directors (his old racket), of the great ‘High- Flyer Magnetic Railway Company.’ Com- modore Vanderbilt and Boss Tweed are his silent partners in the scheme.” We soon arrived at the ‘ High-Flyer Rail- way” office, which is a very grand establish- ment, modeled after the style of an opera house. The sometime doughty Colonel was comfortably seated at a table, in his gorgeous private office, playing a quiet game of draw- poker with Tweed and the Commodore. Fisk grected me with a flourish of the hand, invited us to be seated, and blandly inquired “how the old thing worked upon earth?” Of course, our unexpected visit interrupted the friendly little game, and operations were tem- porarily suspended. “Colonel, how do you find things up here?” we venturegl to inquire. “Bully, my boy, bully,” replied the cul- tured Colonel. ‘‘We have scooped in the lambs on our latest venture, and we've got all their spare cash. Now we are taking things easy and comfortable. We are plan- ning to build a great suspension bridge to connect our planet with that of Mars. Tweed says he'll have nothing to do with the con- tract unless there is plenty of steal in the con- struction of the bridge. The old man’s head is level yet.” “Glad to learn that you are making things lively for the boys up here. Is your new road in a paying condition, Colonel?” “Paying? Youbet. It pays us, and that’s all we care about, my boy. You must take a trip over our road if you want to sce gen- uine greased lightning. Two hundred miles an hour. Just think of it, my boy. You should see our new magnetic locomotive skip over stone walls, and jump rivers without cither bridges or viaducts. Whew! She's a tearer, a regular hurricane, and don’t you for- get it.” “And how are things with you, Mr. Tweed?” we inquired of the ex-Boss. ‘Only fair to middling. I've just finished building a half-million dollar court-house for three millions, and now, would you believe it, the idiotic Board of Aldermen are kicking up high jinks because I found it necessary to charge the city five millions for furnishing the REHEARSING A SPRING CHORUS. darned concern. _ But some people are never satisfied.” And the ex-Boss winked his eye and smiled a knowing smile. “Do you not long to hear of Josie Mans- field, Colonel?” ‘No, thank you. The old hen has gone where the woodbine twineth, Up the spout —played out. N. G. foryourstruly. I want none of it in mine.” “Well, gentlemen, I must bid you good- day; I’ve several other old friends to inter- view before returning to Earth, Adieu, gen- tlemen.” “Ta, ta, Harry; bye-bye. Come again when you have more money and less time.” And this ended my first interview with departed spirits in the land of Jupiter. ASSEMBLYMAN J AMES HAGGERTY deserves the support of the press and the people in his con- templated efforts to secure the passage of a bill in the present Legislature, making the offices of Sheriff, County Clerk, and Register of this county, salaried, and thus forcing the fees, as at present received, into the City Treasury. Why shall the people elect these officials simply to put them in possession of incomes altogether out of proportion to the value of the services performed by them? WORDSWORTH APPLIED. To J. R. Shipherd. A STUPID ass with motive dull, ‘Turns on the pivot of his skull His long left ear. Smce Ex-Alderman Nicholas Haughton, of the Shakespeare Academy, of this city, made $275,000 through speculating in stocks in Wall street, he has been overrun by his “ frins,” who want him to be a candidate for Congress, Thus do the ‘‘ boys” scent the ‘ boodle” from afar. THe Irish claim to be the original mundane “mashers "—of potatoes. Way is love like a pillow? Because it can take on a “‘sham” and still be nice. Srer., in printer’s parlance, signifies “let it stand.” “Stet” with a “son” added thereto stands for pretty much the same thing as regards Booth’s Theater. Wiuuian T. Harris, in his “Journal of Speculative Philosophy,” wisely says: ‘The importance of this investigation on the part of Kant depends upon the fact that modern consciousness is a movement, as a whole, to- [wards inwardness and subjectivity, and, ac- cordingly, modern philosophy is bound first of all to ask itself: ‘What is the criterion of certitude?” We can simply say in reply to our old friend Harris, ‘cert,”” and hope that he will always feel that way. TENNYSON on extenuated courtship: “'Tis better to have loved and lost, ‘Than never to have loved a tall— Girl being understood, of course. How to find a policeman: First, look up and down the area way, and if you don't see one, go and ring the kitchen bell of every house on his beat. You will be sure to find him in one of them. This method is labori- ous, it must be confessed, bu: it has the merit of certainty, at all events. EVOLUTIONIST TRAIN emerges from a tem- porary retirement in order to notify his former Irish constituents that if they don’t stop their “Know Nothing raid on the Chinese,” he will “put a Psycho twist on their race which will keep them in slavery for another fifty years.” We don't happen to know what ‘a Psycho twist" is, or how it is applied; but this much we do know, that George Francis is a man of his word, and when he says he will do a thing, he will—if he can!—depend upon it, Anti-Chinese raiders of Irish extraction will please bear this fact in mind, and govern their pig-tail prejudices accordingly. Meanwhile, we trust G. F. T. will keep his “ Psycho twist” about him in case of emergency. Poratoes, it is said, contain nothing but starch; and yet a scientific bibulist carefully sliced a whole one and dropped it into his glass of grog without stiffening up its con- tents in any very perceptible degree. Tommy.—Won't you give a party, and have ice cream, and cake, and lemonade, and pie, and don’t invite nobody but me? Warr lies: Silver-plated ware. Tomicbooks.com