Judge — May 13, 1882 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

FATHOMING A MYSTERY. «Say, Jimmy, how do they train dogs to act ?” “ They rubs theirselres all over with sirloin steaks, an’ Ueaves the rest to the dog's instink.” FROM NORRISTOWN. A Newsparer article is headed: ‘The Trout Liar.” It doesn’t seem possible, When a trout—an innocent-looking fish which increases in weight at the rate of an ounce a minute, after being caught by an angler— when this speimen of the finny tribe becomes addicted to the reprehensible practice of lying, the conundrum, ‘Can fish reason?” may be answered in the affirmative. Ifa trout asso- ciates much with the man who catches it, it is not surprising that its reputation for veracity should become fatally crippled. A News item says: ‘ Clara Louise Kellogg will not sing any more after she gets mar- ried.” Well, we can’t always sometimes gen- erally tell. There are occasions when even a prima donna is not above warbling lullaby songs—Tennyson’s cradle song for instance. Vorrtaire, in one of his books, asks: “Ina country where everybody went barefooted, was the first man who wore a pair of shoes luxuri- ous?” Ifhis feet were tender, and the shoes pinched his toes and rubbed the skin off his heel, no doubt he was extremely luxurious—in his remarks of a profane character. AN economical man returned home from market the other morning, and told his wife that he would do without chicken two hun- dred and fity years before he would pay twenty cents a pound for one. He said he couldn't afford it. Next day he knocked off work and went gunning for ducks, returning in the evening with two birds, and looking as “happy as if he had found a ten-dollar gold- piece. After the shot were picked out of the ducks they weighed nearly a pound, and the entire outlay in procuring them was not over four dollars and a half. Question for the first class in arithmetic: If it takes an author and an artist three months, in a weekly paper, to “describe how to furnish a $5,000 house, how long will it take a man on a salary of $1,000 a year to furnish the house according to the directions given? THE JUDGE. ‘Tuey were rehearsing for parlor theatric als, and the heroine, in the dying scene, fell with so much hard, cruel emphasis that her hair became detached and flew half-way across the stage, and a murderous hair-pin insinuat- ed itself into her scalp nearly half an inch. She regained her fect and back hair with sur- prising suddenness, and petulantly exclaimed: ‘Il never die again as long as I live!” A New Yorker wants to know ‘How to Prevent Panics in Theaters.” Perhaps the quickest way would be to convert the theaters into churches. A panic seldom occurs in a church, save when a nearsighted deacon dis- covers that he has dropped a two dollar and ahalf gold piece on the coilection plate in mistake for a nickel. ‘(Ip is said that not more than a dozen families in this country have any ancestral right to coats of arms,” and yet we boast of our priceless boon of liberty and so forth. Liberty, forsooth! with 49,999,980 persons in this country without an ancestral right to have a coat of arms to their backs! This is a pitiable condition truly, and when such de- pressing facts are discovered it is almost suicidal to make them public. A coat of arms is not worth as much to the average man as trust at the corner grocery, but it is a trifle more ‘‘toney.” Proressor Proctor has a new girl-baby, and although only a few weeks old, it inherits and evinces its father’s taste for astronony. Its researches at present extend no farther than the milky way, Dr, Buss says he overtaxed his strength in President Garfield's case, and is obliged to take a trip for the benefit of his health. An impression prevails that the doctor’s health was robust enough until he undertook to make out his bill for medical services rendered. That effort was calculated to overtax the strength of almost any.man. A pear and dumb man entered a barber shop the other day, took a seat ina chair, and drew his hand over his chin. The barber caught on, and as there was a famine in cus- tomers that afternoon, the barber shaved as if he was working by the day, and wanted the job to last all summer. And he shaved and he talked, and he talked and he shaved, and he talked and talked and talked and he talked. Then he asked his customer if the razor pulled, and talked and talked, and said he thought“it would rain before morning. Then he talked and talked until his jaw got a hot box, and he had to switch off on another track for repairs. (P. S.—This is a lie, of course, A barber was .never known to open his mouth while shaving a man.) A FOURTEEN year old boy left his home in Pittsburg two weeks ago and is still missing. As he was armed with a dollar pistol, the “Trappers’ Guide,” and a dime novel, en- titled ‘Red Bill; or, The Terror of the Red Man,” it is thought he will soon return home with enough Indians for a mess. A MAGAZINE notice says: ‘A sketch of the famous Captain Kidd has the credit of mak- ing no dangerous hero of its mauvais sujei.” This is gratifying. There is nothing worse than for a writer to make a dangerous hero of his mauvais sujei. It is rough on the mau- vais sujei, and should be avoided every time. Extract from a modern romance: ‘Then with a thousand mad kisses, he sealed the promise he had exacted, and went out from her, believing carth held no such wretched nan as he.” No doubt he was wretched— and sore-lipped—after the thousand mad kisses; but the girl deserves the most sym- pathy. To seal a promise with a thousand mad kisses is prodigiously exhausting, and Congress should enact a law reducing the number to five hundred. A man is apt to miss the train, or not get away from the girl's house before the bell rings for breakfast, when he ‘‘seals” with a thousand kisses. Reform is necessary. A sporTiNG paper describes ‘a new terra- pin farm;” but it doesn’t tell how deep the farmer must plow, how many terrapin are planted in a hill, whether they must be picked before the first frosts, and what kind of fer- tilizers are the best to produce a big crop. Articles for the instruction of farmers should be as full and explicit as possible. “Ane you fond of floriculture?” asked Augustus of Arabella, who was inhaling the fragrance of ancarly spring rose. ‘‘ R-really,” stammered the fair damsel, toying with the flower, ‘‘I don't think I ever tasted it. Do they boil it like dandelion greens?” A MURDERER in Wisconsin, just before he was hanged, willed his skin to the lawyer who defended him. Some legal sharps would have “skinned ” him, anyhow. A Bop INGERSOLL sort of a fellow says he would invest more faith in that story about Nebuchadnezzar being turned out to grass if it occurred in Timothy. To a funeral notice in a little country weekly, published in Pennsylvania, is ap- pended the line: ‘ Australian papers pleasc copy.” It is not generally known that all country weeklies have a large foreign ex- change list. J. H.W. PENALTIES. Pena.ty of popularity—envy. Penalty of political service—abnse. Penalty of purchase—being cheated. Penalty of marrying—a mother-in-la x. Penalty of a public dinner—bad wine. Penalty of thin shoes—.a cold. Penalty of being single—to have nobody to care a button for you. Penalty of buying cheap clothes (like going to law)—the certainty of losing your suit and having to pay for it. comicbooks.com