Judge, 1882-05-13 · page 11 of 16
Judge — May 13, 1882 — page 11: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This two-scene farce satirizes exploitative lawyers who charge vastly inflated fees for simple legal work. **The Setup:** Mr. Sucker consults "Lawyer Catchon" about recovering his wife's modest $500 inheritance, wrongfully withheld by a guardian. Catchon dismisses it as trivial while regaling Sucker with an absurdly complicated, 101-year-old case involving citizenship questions about someone born on a French ship with Prussian colors in British waters—obviously fictional padding meant to inflate his importance. **The Punchline:** Catchon successfully recovers the $500 but presents a bill of $843.13 (shown in the detailed fee schedule). Every minor action—"Consultation," "Splitting hairs," "Office boy brushing coat," "Advice about weather"—is itemized and charged. The lawyer essentially pockets most of the recovered amount through fees, leaving Sucker worse off than before. The satire exposes how lawyers use legal complexity and petty itemization to justify astronomical bills for straightforward cases, effectively robbing their own clients.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
THE JU-DGE. OUR POPULAR FARCES. OUR LAWYERS. BY “ED.” IN TWO SCENE REPOR’ Ciaracte! Mr. Sucker. Lawyer CaTcuion, Scene First.—Office of LAWYER CaTCHon. (Enter Mr. SuCKER.] Mr, Sucker.—This is Lawyer Catchon's of- fice? Lawyer Catchon.—Yes, sir. Mr, Sucker.—You are Lawyer Catchon? Lawyer Catchon.—The same, at your ser- vice, Mr, Sucker.—1 have come to see you, sir, about a little case. Lawyer Catchon.—Thanks, sir. But, ex- cuse me, I have to go out for a second. Won't you accept the morning’s paper and a cigar? Will be back right aw: : Mr, Sucker.—Much obliged. (Takes paper ant cigar. Lawyer Catchon.—By the way, here is a match. So long. (Exit Lawyer Catcuon. Lapse of half an hour, Re-enter LAWYER CATCHON. } Lawyer Catchon,—Hope I have not kept you waiting, but if I have, it is not actually my fault. Just met the counsel in the case of Mud vs, Sand. Very celebrated case; been before the courts since 1801. He wanted to know if a person born upon a French ship, carrying Prussian colors in British waters, whose father and mother both came from New Jersey, could be considered an Amzrican citi- zen. Very interesting case; full of legal complications, The counsels, though, have agreed tipon a compromise, as it is a matter of quite a little money. Attair will be settled expeditiously as possible, probably about 1902. Now what can I do for you? Mr, Sucker.—Oh, it is but a trifle, so to speak. My wife is entitled to a little proper- ty, say about $500, in an estate which the guardian is dilatory in settling. By the terns of the will it should have been settled when my wife was of age, yet he has held on to it for two years without rendering any account of the guardianship. « Lawyer Catchon.—Indeed! was it? Mr, Sucker.—Her grandfather's. Lawyer Catchon.—His name? Mr, Sucker,—Napoleon Quinsy. Lawyer Catchon.—Will in the Surrogate’s office? Mr, Sucker,—Yes, sir. Lawyer Catchon.—All right, sir. Case seems perfectly plai Guardian probably not dishonest, Sut hates to put a cent out. Your wife will get her money if she wants it. Does she? Mr. Sucker,—Well, she ought to. She has been living upon pennies for the last week, for, I am sorry to say, she didn’t marry into a rich family when she married me. Lawyer Catchon.—Then the case is as good Whose will as won, eleven. Mr. Sucker.—By the way, what will be your fees, sir? Lawyer Catchon.—But,a mere trifle. We will fix that up all satisfactorily, Do you chew, sir? Mr. Sucker,—Occasionally, Lawyer Catchon.—How do you like ‘Balm of Gilead ” tobacco, Mr, Sucker.—Never heard of it. Lawyer Catchon.—It is elegant. Try a chew, I will see you Saturday, say at (Mr. Sucker does so, Lawyer CaTcHon shakes hands with his client, and in- structs OFFICE Boy to escort him to door. Orrice Boy docs so, and brushes his coat. OrFice Boy also points out route to ele- KER asks if OFFICE Boy thinks it will rain, OrFrice Boy says "No."] Scene Srconp.—Same as before. (Enter Mr. Sucker.) Mr, Sucker.—Good-lay, Mr. Catchon. Lawyer Catchon.—Goowlay, sir. Mr, Sucker,—Yow about the little affair of ours, Lawyer Catchon.—Just as I told you, sir. Guardian, when pushed to the wall, surren- dered money. Here’s your wife's $5 (Mr. Sucker receives it with marked pleas- ure.) Mr, Sucker.—And your bill? Lawyer Catchon.—But a. trifle. worth bothering about, Hardly [ Hands bill to Mr. SucKER, teho opens it. He reads:} Mn. StcxER, DR To Mr. McDovaatn Carcnox, Attorney ana Counsetor-at-Lae, For professional services rendered, viz: Censaltation Spittoon.... Board (ualfhoun. Ditto brushing coat.. Ditto potnting route Ditto advice about weather. Ditto time consumed Drink with ditto. Letter to Guardiat Postage... Interview with Guari Being kicked out by Guan Car fare to Guardian's house ( Arnica ptaster. Mr. Sucker (paralyzed).—For Heaven's sake what does this mean? You charge me $843.13 for collecting $500. $343.13? Lawyer Catchon.—Correct, sir. is business. Mr. Sucker.—But—but will you please ex- plain what either myself or wife get? Lawyer Catchon.—Certainly, sir. ly.) You get left, sir. I owe you Business (Bland- (Tableau. (curtatn.] Uncie Sam has got his yearly attack of In- dians this spring, and, as usual, they bob up serencly, armed and equipped in the finest fashion. How much longer is this sentimental idea of the poor Indian” and this wishy- washy policy to protect these brutes? How much longer are we to sce our frontier set- tlers slaughtered in cold blood before we ar- rive fully to the conclusion that the only way to make a red-skin behave himself is to kill him? Why should they receive any more mercy than the wild beasts? They are cer- tainly more treacherous and blood-thirsty. What is our new Interior going to do about it? Tue blacksmiths have struck—and they did it while the iron was hot, too, Tow came that chicken in your hat, Pom pey?” asked the indignant owner thereof. “Wal, now, boss, dat am quar. I s'pect he mus’ hab crawl up my trouser leg somehow when I war asleep,” replied the sable thief, THe carman has been the moving spirit in New York during the past week, and house- holders have been exchanging dirt. Tlow does the snob Congressman fecl after his tilt with the “plumed knight? ‘ EASILY CONVINCED, “ There, now, my trowsers hang just as bad as they dul before T pat thase suspenders on.” (Takes of his coat and test, undoes his braces, and gocs without them.)