Judge — May 6, 1882 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. i : k “<pring at last, by gingoes! Come here, Muria, here's a ‘erocus !” I'M AN ASS. “Pm Afloat.” Specially arranged for the Brooklyn Tabernacle.) Ta an ass, 'm an ass, I'm an ass of the chutch, With a habit of braying and talent for smirch. When I let myself ont you will fully agree ‘That the world contains nothing so assine as me. (am: T'm an ass, I'm an ase—'tis mg joy to bray loud On subjects that tickle the Tab'nacle crowd; Any tople that fools odoriforous find Is the theme apropos to a jack of my kind! T'm an ass, I'm an ass, with an aspect apfair— Not anothor one such will you meet anywhere, Thoagh you travel from Maine unto Texas remote. I'm an ass, I’m an ass, of the Balaam cahote! T'm an ass, I'm an asa, I'm an ass with a whoeze— And don’t you forget it, Bob Ingersoll, please. In season and out, amid busks or in grass, Forever as now—I'm an ass, I'm an ass! {Sworn and subscribed to before me, this the Fourteenth day of April, A. D. One Thousand Eight Handred and Eighty-two. =r. wry OUR POPULAR FARCES. Our Down-town Restaurants. REPORTED BY “ED.” IN TWO SOENES. CHARACTERS: Woo.p-se Diver, Walters, Head Walter, PROPRIETOR. Scene I.—Interior of Down-town Restau- rant at High Noon. Seats at a premium— waiters as scarce as the turtle in green-turtle soup. [Enter Wootn-se Dixer and tries to find a seat. Runs against an Execraic Warrer and has soup spilled over him. Is run against by an ABSENT-MINDED Warren and gets the major part of an oyster stew down his neck. Falls over a Stoorixa Warren and nearly breaks his arm. Finally, after stumbling and scrambling across several irascible gentlemen, secures the most out-of-the-way seat at the dirtiest table. Yells Soravaiter. After alapse of several seeming centuries ” first waiter appears.) First Waiter.—Well, sir. sir. What'll you ‘ave, sir? Would-be Diner.—Bill of fare. ‘Urry him up, First Waiter.—Bill of fare, sir? yes, sir. (First Walter vanishes. Lapse of five minutes. SECOND WAITER appears.) Second Waiter.—What will you have, sir? Gave your order yet, sir? Would-be Diner.—I gave it to a waiter five minutes ago. That is to say, I asked for a bill of fare. Second Waiter.—The gentleman you gave the order to, sir, was No. 63. He's gone home, sir. Day off; but I'll fix you up all right. Bill of tare in a second, sir. (Re ceives a dime.) Thanks, sir. [Exit Seconp Warter. Lapse of time, ten minutes, Enter HEAD WAITER.) Head Waiter.—You've ordered, sir, I sup- pose? Would-be Diner.—No, I haven't, but I've sent for a bill of fare twice. The last waiter said he would have it in a second. Head Waiter.—Notice his number, sir? Would-be Diner.—81. Head Waiter.—How unlucky! I just sent him out with a meal. Too bad, but accidents will occur in the best-regulated establishments, and ours is one of the best regulated. I will see you are attended to immediately. (Calls to Tuinp Walter.) Here, 103, 'tend to this gentleman. Hurry, now! (Enter Turrp Warter.] Third Waiter.—Wall, sir? Would-be Diner.—Bill of fare. Third Waiter (reproachfully).—You mean the menu, sir? Here it is, sir. (Produces from back pocket a muchly-soiled, grease-covered card] Third Waiter.—The extras, sir, are splen- did. There is ‘Pigeon compot a la hen- coop,” “ Rabbit stew a la back-yard fence,” ‘Game deux Methuselah,” ‘‘ Softshell crabs ala olfactory,” “ Lobster pie de.” Would-be Diner.—I am a plain, simple, un- ostentatious citizen of this glorious Republic. Lifo to me is real and earnest, and my goal is not French cookery. I want corn beef and cabbage and a cup of ceffee. Third Waiter.—Corn beef and cabbage, when we havo “Sardines a la red herring,” and ‘‘Macaroni twith bacon, aux Italiens!” Really, sir, you are joking. Would-be Diner.—Future events will denote whether or not I am joking. If I donot get that corn beef and cabbage very quickly there will be a second Wyoming massa:re enacted about this hash<onvent in which I will do the part of head massacreer. (Evit Turrp Waiter, rapidly, Lapse of ten minutes, Enter Heap Walter, cau- tiously.] Head Waiter (frigidly).—Sir, you will have to tgivo your request for food to a fourth waiter. Would-be Diner.—For Heaven's sake, what for? Head Waiter.—No. 103 has left. Would-be Diner.—I know it. He left me ten minutes ago. Head Waiter.—I mean to say he has left our saloon; and on account of you, sir. Would-be Diner.—On account of me? Head Waiter.—Yes, Said that you bad addressed to him grossly insulting language, which he would not receive from a king, sir. Respect for us, however, prevented him re- taliating in here, but I have just heard that he is lying outside for you with a club and a small ice-pick. Please tell what you want to 48. (‘*48," alias Fourta Walter, approaches.) Would-be Diner.—Corn beef and cabbago and a cup of coffee. Fourth Waiter——Corn beef ana cabbage, with Modena sauce? Would-be Diner.—No! Fourth Waiter.—Mushrooms? Would-be Diner.—No! Fourth Waiter.—Entree of calf's-liver? Would-be Diner.—No! Fourth Waiter.—Coffee a la Cleopatra? Would-be Diner.—Great Joshua!—no! I want plain corn beef and cabbage and plain coffee. (Zit Fourta Warrer, sadly. ter of an hour. (Reappear Fourta Warter, sunnily.] Fourth Watter.—Corn beef and cabbage all out, sir, Splendid brook trout; twenty cents a scale, though. Would-be Diner.—Young man, if you think you're serving a millionaire your thought is emphatically erroneous. I'll fill in with ham and eggs. Fourth Waiter (confidentially).—Between youand J, sir, the ham is tough and the eggs stale. Would-be Diner.—I don't care if the ham is tough as leather and tho eggs fairly putrid. I want ham and eg; Scene Seconp.—At the CasutEr’s (PROPRIE- Tor's) desk. Would-be Diner.—What in the name of infamy does this bill mean? (Reads. Seta Lapse of quar- Proprietor.—Perfectly correct, sir. We've got to pay rent and help somehow, sir, Would-be Diner’ (bewilderedly).—But— but the item for board. Proprietor.—You've been herejust about an hour and a half, sir, and we can't allow any customer to monopolize space without paying for it. Besides, the item ‘ board” includes items of heat, gas, air, light and ventilation. Dirt cheap, sir. {Wovtp-sz Dixer dazedly pays out a fve-dollar bill and receives a lead five-cent piece and two trenty- cent coins in change. Is afterwards picked up in the street by the police in a state of drivcling idiocy.) (currarn.] PRESIDENT Dicksoy, of the Delaware & Hud- son R. R., in giving testimony before the Sen- ate Committee regardiug railroad accidents in general, and that of Spuyten Duyvil in par- ticular, said: ‘‘It is not always wise to tell the truth regarding railroad accidents, lest the public should misconstrue it.” That is right. The Public is an ass every time. comicbooks.com