Judge — May 6, 1882 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. 8 What kind of er dog is it, Tom? Its a tarrier, an’ it's so saviige it's nearly pulled the arm off er me. Blaine's Peruvian Syrup. Its Wonderful Effects Upon Political Invalids. Wrrurn the past few months a new medicine has been placed upon the market with remark- able results, known as Blaine’s Peruvian Syrup. Of so much importance has it been estimated that Congress has been for a long time en- gaged upon the task of investigating its in- gredients in order to ascertain if it is whole- some for political invalids, the question having been raised that it was not, and that a few doses of it would invariably make a bad man worse. From the testimony given before this inves- tigating committee we had concluded that the charge was a true one, but having lately read several testimonials regarding it, we have concluded to lay them before our readers and let them take their choice, after having paid their money. The first is from the renowned Shipherd, but as he is supposed to have an in terest in the syrup we advise that his testi- monial be taken with a few grains of saline matter: New York, March —, 1882. J. G. Baise; Esq.—Dear Sir: I have taken several original packages of your “Peruvian Syrup, and can safely say that It works likea charm. I cannot say that it agrees with the Constitution, but it is a great thing for reputation, Indeed, I was scarcely known at all when I first began to take Peruvian Syrup, but now I am known all over the United States, all of which I feel that Lowe to your wonderful Syrap; and if anybody has the same itch that I bad, I know of nothing better adapted to thelr trouble than your Peruvian Syrup. Be- love me, dear sir, Yours without recourse, Surpuerp. ‘The next testimonial is from a gentleman somewhat krown to the world, but principally on account of slipping up on his third entry for the Presidential race: New York, April —, 1882. J. G. Batxe, Esq.—Dear Sir: I have taken but one bottle of your Peruvian Syrup, but it has cured me. Thave been troubled with a terrible itch for many years, and in spite of all that admiring friends have presented me tn the hope of curing it, I have been a sufferer until I took the Syrup, so strongly recommended by Mr. Sbipherd. For the first time in my political life, at least, I feel that I have got enough, and there can be no doubt but that my freinds will join with me, or join, at all events, in blessing you for the introduction of your invaluable Syrup. Believe me, Jim, Yours truly, U.S. A testimonial from a Mr, Blair does not read just like one in favor of a thing, but we insert it for what it is worth: ‘Wasuinotox, D. C., April —, 1882. J. G. Buatwe, Ese.—Sir: I have been asked by your agent for a testimonial for your Peruvian Syrup. I don't like it; I took one or two bottles, but they have completely upset me. Indeed, I think I shall be obliged togo to the Hot Springs before I can hope to be as well off as I was before I took to using your Syrap. You are at liberty to make such use of this as you see fit, but I mean it. Yours, Bua. The inventor himself, or, rather, the father of the syrup, insists upon it that the medicine has not been taken right; that these people and others have taken too much stock in guano pills, which were only calculated for use after the patient was convalescent, and that he has not only been misunderstood but grossly abused, and that from this time forth he is going to confine himself entirely to politics and Presidential aspirations; that it wasn't his syrup any way; that Shipherd invented it and used his big name to give it a send-off. How true this is we donot pretend to know, but, as we said before, we leave it to the jury of our readers, who may possibly have some- thing to do with Mr. Blaine hereafter. Tue Assembly Committee have been down on Long Island looking for a parade ground for the State National Guard. They found a place near Flushing, but the natives fright- ened them by telling of the size of the mosqui- toes that occupied the site six months in the year. But some of the committee are of the opinion that it would afford excellent sport for our militiamen, since mosquito shooting would be equal to snipe, and afford amusement as well as pleasure and rifle practice for the “poys,” if they went there for parade and shooting development. But are those mos- quitoes good broiled on toast? Wuat is the difference between an attor- ney and counselor-atlaw? About as much as there is between an alligator and a crocodile. Tue American Electric Light Company ap- pears to be shining—under a bushel, and therefore people don’t take stock in it in Bos- ton. MoNopoLists are after the water front of Williamsburg as well as Jersey City. Better look sharp, William, or they'll have you in their clutches. OF all the labor strikes fancy the plumbers striking! But perhaps the journeymen have come to the conclusion that the bosses ought to share some of their plunder with them. Tuere is a rebellion brewing against the clan Cameron in Pennsylvania. “ Cam'ron, Cam'ron, beware of the day ‘When the other shall meet thee in battle array.” Fancy a lawsuit over the funeral flowers employed at Garfield’s obsequies! But to such base uses do we come at last—especially when the subject of our sympathies, after life's fitful fever, sleeps well. ‘THE usual Spring outbreak among the In- dians in the far West is reported. Where is the new Sccretary of the Interior? Does he believe that the only good Indians are dead ones? There appears to be as good an oppor- tunity as ever for somebody to distinguish themselves, cither as an exterminator or a pacifier. Ture was o man in our town, He was so wondrous wise, He Jumped into a Peru bush ‘And scratebed out both bis eyes; And when ho found his eyes were out, With all bis might and main, He jumped into another bush And swore it all on Blaine. Tue late lamented Mr. J. James was un- questionably the most industrious, as well as cheerful, biographer on record. Up to the date of his decease, he had taken more lives than even his worthy contemporary, Mr. J. Purton—which is saying a good deal, consider- ing the disparity of age and opportunity be- tween the two, But now that the indefati- gable James has been cut off in the flower of his youth, the versatile Parton, by the ex- ercise of due diligence and a little extra ef- fort, may hope to catch up in time. comicbooks.com