Judge — May 6, 1882 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. A SLEEPING BEAUTY. % 80 this {s Gre teay you come home early, is it? Much you Wink of your wie's feelings, 1 guess. Pee a mind to take you over my knee, you drunken brute!" But he Sleeps on unmindful of the storm. THE PISCATORIAL FIEND. We bad a friend, an unassuming sort, Whose eye with mildness seemed to beam; Upon his lip was nover lisped retort, And on his face no anger flashed its gleam. We loved this honest friend like self indeed; Perforce we'd often lent him gold galore; And as the straightened purse did bleed, It was agape to lead him gold the more. With fishing tackle in his keep, did stray ‘This unassaming friend from us afar. Alack! alack! it was disastrous day, Dating from which our sainted friendship’s mar. With lies fall sore he slapped us in the faco— With lies a score waylaid our quiet night— Then lying more, our friendship did erase, Then vanished he from ont our troubled sight. <M. & KELLER, Captain of a Brown-Stone Mansion. As it is customary for every well-regulated daily or weekly publication in the land to in- struct the President and each member of his Cabinet concerning their duties, we merely follow in the beaten track of our esteemed contemporaries in commanding the august Secretary of the Navy to hearken unto our tale. We desire to call his attention to the fact that among the distinguished terrors of the so-called navy over which he is the master spirit, there is one who commands a splendid brown-stone front in the beautiful village of Brooklyn. It may seem strange that a cap- tain in the United States Navy should be in command of a brown-stone mansion instead of a fully-equipped man-of-war, and we hope to be forgiven for disclosing this information to those crowned heads of Europe who imagine that this ‘‘ great and glorious,” etc., has the finest navy-on the seas. Need we say that the terror to whom we call Secretary Chand- ler’s attention is none other than the captain in the navy who commands the elegant krown- stone mansion in Brooklyn. Recently this “Cold sea dog,” or rather “land dog,” was seriously inconvenienced by the fact that his son was the partner of a young man, who, for some reason which the captain took especial pains to conceal, committed suicide in Phil- adelphia. It then became the painful duty of several newspaper reporters to visit the captain, and they will long remember, they say, the ex- ceedingly lively reception which he accorded them, Asa terror he was a great success, and fully sustained his previous reputation as a bully when in authority in the Brooklyn Navy Yard. Why it is at all necessary for the Government to put this captain in com- mand of an elegant brown-stone mansion, with a wine-cellar attachment, is one of the conundrums which we are requested to ask Secretary Chandler. Another of our valued contributors desires to know whether it is true that the captain’s son, while snoring over a desk in an insurance company’s office in this city upon a comfortable salary, was also drawing pay as a captain's clerk in the United States Navy. We beg to assure Secretary Chandler that there are many reasons why Captain Danicl L, Braine’s services in the navy should be dispensed with, That he is a terror to reporters, as well as to the rest of mankind, may be suflicient reason for his exclusion from the society of gentlemen, but as the commander of a brown- stone mansion in the Navy of the United States he should be excluded from that de- partment as soon as Sccretary Chandler's shoes have been spiked. High Time. Mr. Eprtor—Dear Sir: You will excuse my suggesting that it is high time that your readers were reminded that— The season now approacheth when the “human small boy” putteth himself under subjection, and licth in wait for the Sunday- school picnic and strawberry festival. He smelleth the short-cake from afar, and crieth Aha! Aha!! and maketh unto himself vows. Holy book in hand, he wendeth his way to the sanctuary three several times on each par- ticular Sabbath, and availeth himself of the privileges of three different gospel shops; yea, he taketh in their Sunday-schools, as they variously occur, at the third hour of the day, the sixth hour of the day, and the ninth hour of the day. He repeateth portions of the Scripture (repeated many times before. and learned for such occasions) to the young maiden who watcheth over him, beguiling her. When his gentle comrades join in sing- ing the holy songs, his voice resoundeth far above all the rest. The superintendent smileth upon him, and he becometh the prize- boy. When the harvest draweth nigh he worketh diligently, and gorgeth himself with ice cream, lemonade, strawberries, and all the fruits of the earth. Verily, I say unto you, he filleth himself full, The harvest being gathered he giveth himself a rest for a season, but when the leaves begin to fall, and the early frost cometh, he goeth into training for Thanksgiving and the Christmas festivals. Yea, verily, they are a wicked and perverse generation. Mayors don’t scem to pan out very well this year, The “Kid” Mayor of Adrian, Mich., concluded (after being found out) that he had rather be a cigar sign in any other city thun Mayor of Adrian, and therefore sloped not long ago; and now the citizens of Long Island City have arrested their mayor on account of fooling with their almost begging city bonds, and things are not so nice as they were. ‘There is altogether too much investigating go- ing on these days for the perfect, peace of mind of the people's servants, CARAMELS. On, caramels! sweet caramelst Unnumbered tales the dentist tells Of the deep havoe made by yo In many a molar cavity! Oh, caramels! sweet caramels! Thy ** boom " in sales tolleth purses’ knells, As o'er each candy-vender’s face Broad smiles of joy now the world may trace. Ob, caramels! sweet caramels! How many a tale the lover tells OF ill-spent “corn” on sweets like ye, To hamor some dainty-tooth'd Indiet A Base Imitation. A New weekly journal, with a patent out- side, published somewhere on our continent, out West, is guilty of a bald piece of plagiar- ism in making the following announcement at the head of its editorial columns: THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE. CONDUCTED BY HON. THEOPHILUS Q FERGUSON, ASSISTED BY Jeremiah 2, Jones, and John V, Smythe, Bags, Associate Editorial Staffs Col, Marked Wane, Jr. weet Singer of Michigan Gen. Koke A. Natt # Why does not the proprietor of the New York Herald 00 t ‘search af the North Pole tn person, and then he wilt knots how tt te Mmsey? He would ertainly bea gracgt Jigure as a tookout. ; comicbooks.com