Judge — May 6, 1882 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. THEATRICAL BRIEFS. May it Please Your Honor: Ix accordance with the order of reference issued to me in re the play, dramatization, or comedy, “Far From the Madding Crowd,” I have to make the follow- ing report: So far as I can learn from documentary evidence sub- mitted to me, Inclading certain programmes, novels, ete., etc., etc., this Is a case in which one Cazauran is charged by William Winter, Esq. (as an informer in behalf of the People of the State of New York), with baving inflicted mayhem, and committed an atrocious assault upon a certain work of fiction, entitled “Far From the Madding Crowd,” the same being the literary offspring of one Thomas Hardy, an alien, residing without the jurisdiction of your Honorable Court. Before me, by mutual consent, appeared Louis F. Post, Esq., of counsel for the informer, and Jeremiah Wernberg, Esq., of counsel for the defentant, Cazau- ran, the proceedings being had to assess the amount and extent of damage sustained by said “ Far From the Madding Crowd” at the hands of said Cazauran, as pro- provided in the New Common Sense Code, under which penalties are inflicted, and judgment is made recover- able, simultaneously, for statutory offenses committed upon Individuals, the prosecution of the same devolving, Jn the first instance, upon the District Attorney. It appears from the evidence in the case that the said Cazauran, at the suggestion of one Harriott, and of Clara Morris Harriott, the wife of said Harriott, did, with a certain deadly implement, to-wit, a pair of shears of the value of two dollars and fifty cents, com- ‘mit divers mutilations, lacerations, cata, stabs and oth- er injaries upon the body of said ‘Far From the Mad- ding Crowd;” that sald Cazauran, after thus mntilat- fog, lacerating, cutting, stabbing and otberwiso Injur- ing said “Far From the Madding Crowd,” did, with malice aforethought, violently and cruelly disfigure said “Far From the Madding Crowd,” with a certain dan- gorous implement, to-wit, a steel pen of the value of three cents, and with a certain poisonous and corro- sive flaid, to-wit, ink, of the value of fifteen cents; that sald “Far From the Madding Crowd” was in such wise made so hideous and unnatural that not even its literary parent, Thomas Hardy, as aforesaid, would have been able to recognize his own offspring; that the sald Cazauran committed these offenses and inflicted these injaries upon said “Far From the Madding Crowd” at the solicitation of said Harriott, and of said Clora Morris Harriott, bis wife, on account of certain moneys to him in hand daly paid; that sald Thomas Hardy, an alien, as aforesaid, residing without the Jarisdiction of this Honorable Court, has received no compensation whatever, as next of kin and best friend of said “Far From the Madding Crowd,” for such in- Jaries, wrongs and mutilations. I respectfully recommend, therefore, that tho said Cazauran be assessed in the sum of $25,000 damages, to be paid to Thomas Hardy, alien, as aforesaid, where of William Winter, as aforesaid, shall receive one-fifth, to-wit, $5,000, and that, under the Code of Common Sense, a8 aforesald, a supplementary and consequen- tial prosecution of the said Cazauran and the said Har- riott shall be immediately begun by the District Attor- ney, in and for that they have committed mayhem and felonious assault upon said “Far From the Maddiog Crowd,” th said Clara Morris Harriott being excused from responsibility on the ground of conjugal coer- clon. ‘And I further recommend that the sald ‘Far From the Madding Crowd,” thus mutilated, lacerated, and dismembered, having been put to death by sald Clara Morris Harriott and her company, so called, shall forthwith and immediately be decently interred. Sitting as a Commissioner in Lunacy, co-ordinately with William Tovee, physician, and John, otherwise “Red” Leary, gentleman, in the cases of Howell Os- borne, George Gould, George Lake and others, I have to report as follow The said Osborne, Gould, Lake et al. are reasonably suspected, upon tho oaths of Theodore Moss, Antonio Pastor, John A. McCaull and others, of a mild but an- noying form of imbecility, in that they frequent the va- rious theaters managed by the several deponents, a8 aforesaid, and talk loudly in the lobbies thereof, and therein swagger, strut, smoke cigarettes, and noisomely counterfeit, as best they are able, the manners and cus- toms of the English ‘*gent;” that the said Osborne, in particular, being a person possessed of an opalence of freckles, legs of the thinnest possible dimensions, and great impudence, he's constantly in wait atstage doors for thepurpose of fascinating or “mashing” with his freckles, his legs, and his impudence, as aforesaid, any pazsing member of tho theatrical profession, from the “star” to the humblest ballet girl; that the said Gould, the said Osborne, the said Lake, and the rest of their kind, hold graesomely vacuous conversations in loud tones during the dramatic or operatic performances going on in said theater; that, in all other conceivable ways, the said Gould, the said Osborne, the said Lake, and their kind, so behave and so deport themselves as to make more than ever inscrutable the mysterious Providence of their Creator, I would, therefore, respectfully recommend that these alleged Imbeciles, as aforesaid, while committing no overt offense against the law, and giving no express cause, under our present defective social arrangements, for incarceration in some asylum for the mentally in- firm, shall be removed to their residences whenever found in any theater or public place of entertainment by the Matron of Police Headquarters or some other duly qualitied female, and subjected to tho mild bat form of castigation known as a ‘good All of which is respectfally submitted. ‘Tue Revenge. ‘CE agitators who have all along been howling ‘no license” begin to feel as foolish as they have looked to sensible people all the while. They now see—or at least tax- payers do—that there is just as much liquor drank, license or no license, and that while the liquor dealers have been doing quite as brisk a business as ever, the town treasuries have had to be made good by tax-payers, both temperance and anti-temperance, and they are sore, Touch a reformer in his pocket-book, and he will squirm quite as lively as an ordi nary mortal. WInTER has not only been “lingering in the lap of spring,” but to all appearances it has sat squarely down on the hopeful maiden. It has been a bad case of meteorological Spring halt. THE only thing we have got against Bob Ingersoll is that he don’t take a fellow of his size for a rough-and-tumble. Tuey still keep harping at John Kelly, but somehow or other they don’t appear to be able to make him dance much. How the Sun does worry itself about the next President. Bound to have that Collect- orship if it takes the remainder of your natu- ral life, ch, Chawles? WHIFFS WITH CORRESPONDENTS, Jos. N. Q—You ask what your article ts worth. The price of waste paper being three cents per pound, and as yours Weighs about one-quarter of @ pound, you can fare it out J. Crasrnez.—You were very kind in giving us the choice of printing or barning your effusion. The aabes were whito— slightly mixed with gray. T.L Doxanvx.—Your point was so badly pat that we pat the whole thing tnto the waste-basket W. C, Jouxsox.—""I send you the inclosed, which, if accept- able, use; Ifnot, giveto the wastebasket” Good ! The waste- Ddasket got It H. 8. K—No, we will not “cut you, as requested. Wo ‘simply decline your emtusions, Wa. P, Janscax.— Wh ase without suggestions P. E, L.—We meant no offense, bat as there was no occasion for sutterfuge or throwing a “guard” around anybody, It could bat look gauzolike to us, “Hanks” accepted with pleasure, Mn. Eprron—Hearing that you were in need of a first-class Mar on the staff of your paper, I would respectfully apply for a Position as such. Ihave had one hundred and twenty years’ Practical experience, and think that I am abandantly able to give satisfaction, Iam five hundred and sixteen years old, and ‘stand eight feet four inches in my stockings, and am the hand- ‘somest man in Washington. I was born without hands or feet, ‘and can write in three thousand different stylea, How I do it tsasecret. 1am also twenty years older than my father or my mother. Ihave a bank account of $€5,000,000 cash; also pos- sess $40,000,000 worth of diamonds. I swam across the Atlan- tuc Ocean when I was six months old, landing at Pier 19, North River. Tam married, and have five thousand and sixty-turee children, I was the bosom friend of the original Joba Smith, I did not strike Wm. Patterson. Awaiting an answer, Tam yours, Grex. If we were in need of a Itar who could discount Ell Perkins or “ Gath,” we would engage you at once, but, fortunately, we have @ first-class staf, and must decline. Try the New York Sun, Truth, or some of the otber religious papers, for, ‘with your abilities, you may yet catch on, A HINT TO HOTEL KEEPERS. comicbooks.com