Judge — May 6, 1882 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. a | FROM NORRISTOWN. A HEALTH journal says: ‘To sit with the body leaning forward, and the heels elevated toa level with the head, is exceedingly det- rimental to health.” This hygienic fact can- not be too strongly impressed upon the minds of the young women of America. They should swear off sitting in that position immediate- ly. This country needs healthy mothers, and all health rules tending to this desired end should be carefully observed. Up to the hour of going to press, about the only modern poet who has not rushed into print with an autograph letter from Mr. Longfellow, predicting a brilliant future for its possessor, is the Sweet Singer of Michigan —and the probabilities are that she has one or two such letters in her possession, but owing to the spring housecleaning season augmenting her labors, she has not had time to give them to the public. TuE Oil City Derrick wants the leading Democratic and Republican papers to ex- plain tho ‘‘real difference between the two great parties.” Tue JupGe is not a ‘“‘lead- ing Democratic and Republican” organ, but it can explain the principal difference between the two great parties so quick that it will make your head swim. Bend down your ear, O Derrick, while we whisper that one party is in” and the other is ‘‘out.” That's all. And this difference is enough to induce some editors to commit forgery and perjury and call each other fighting names at least once every four years. Iris said that “ostrich farming” can be profitably prosecuted in this country, A man in Colorado entertains a contrary opin- ion. He procured four of the feathered bi- peds a month ago, and the next day two of them got into the yard and bolted the family wash hanging on the line. Six petticoats, three shirts, five pairs of stockings, two bed- quilts, three sheets, and anumber of what-you- call-’ems, were gulped down with avidity, but one of the birds was nearly asphyxiated by an electric corset becoming entangled in its windpipe. Fortunately it swallowed a coal- scuttle, which removed the obstruction, and saved its life. Ostrich farming in this coun- try would largely increase the demand for broken bottles, old scrap-iron, and barrel- hoops. A NEW book is entitled ‘Notable Thoughts About Women.”” We don't remember to have ever seen a book about men bearing a similar title. It may be that there isn't anything about men to inspire notable thoughts. A Poor but proud Pittsville woman lost her husband some time ago, and her friends con- tributed fifteen dollars towards a tombstone for the dear departed. Two months after- wards she took the money and purchased a lovely over-skirt, which assuaged her grief ninety per cent. more than a cemetery full of tombstones could have done. She said fifteen dollars wouldn’t have bought much of a tomb- stone, anyhow. Tue census of 1880 will make forty large volumes. The suggestion may smack of the dark ages—the days of the rack and the thumbscrew—but wouldn't the abolition of capital punishment and the substitution there- for of the reading of the census of 1880 have a tendency to decrease crime in this country? It is extremely doubtful if the criminal would become so deeply absorbed in the plot of the first volume that he wouldn’t prefer death a dozen times rather than to tackle the other thirty-nine volumes. Tuere is a temple in the neighborhood of Han-Chow-Foo, China, called ‘Power of the Thundering Winds.” Evidently the place where the Chinese law-makers hold their ses- sions, and analogous to Our American Con- gress, which, for ‘thundering winds,” will make the Chinese tower take a seat two niles in the rear every time. A LITTLE pamphlet is entitled “The Art of Eating.” It will fill a long-felt want—pro- vided it contains an appendix imparting to the penniless man the art of obtaining something toeat. Ifa manhasn’t anything in the house to eat, a book explaining the art of eating is a hollow mockery. Ir is estimnted that the polar expeditions sent out during the past quarter of a century cost over $20,000,000—and all wasted! This sum would furnish every man, woman and child in the United States with six schooners of beer apiece, or would endow a Chair of Base Ball in every American college in the land. This important fact should be carefully con- sidered before another polar expedition is un- dertaken. A Man in Philadelphia committed suicide on April 2d, after a married life of two months. He was a mighty mean man, to compel his wife to wear somber mourning when the spring styles are so gay! A FRENCH artist who attempted to paint a bit of allegory, found that his idea was vaguo and elusive, and after several abortive efforts to elaborate it, he got mad, kicked a hole through the canvas, smeared and streaked it with several colors of paint so that it looked like an aurora borealis struck by lightning, and—sold it for an ‘‘old master” toa rich American for ten thousand dollars. A yew wrinkle at fashionable dinner parties is a gold tooth-pick placed at the plate of each guest. This sort of tomfoolery will not stop until a guest at a fashionable dinner party finds a fulljeweled, patent lever fine- tooth comb beside his plate. Then it will be time to draw a line right there. REaLisw on the stage is now ‘the idea. Sarah Bernhardt spits real blood in the con- sumptive character of ‘‘Camille,” and pretty soon we may expect to see a real corpse as well as a genuine skull in the graveyard scene in hamlet; and when Poloniusis “ dead, for a ducat,” he'll be dead for a ducat, and no mistake; and when Heller cuts a man’s head off, he'll be hooted off tho stage if he comes any sham over his audience in the de- capitation act, He will be obliged to select a subject from his audience, and afterwards pass the gory head down the aisles to show that there has been no deception. There will be so much realism on the stage that unless a man is bald-headed he will havo to glue down his hair to keep it from standing on end. Moron husbands would make good Indian commissioners, After living ten years with adozen wives apicce, their scalps would be safe enough among the savages. “(A poo with a memory” is the title of an article in a daily paper. In this particular the animal doesn’t strikingly resemble the young man who borrows ten dollars, and promises to return it “‘ next Saturday night.” A Woman in Berks county has an Easter egg sixty years old. Very few persons keep eggs so long, but some poultry dealers can show spring chickens sixty years old. comicbooks.com