Judge — May 6, 1882 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. “AFTER THE OPERA.” “ Crushed again.” “NOT AFTER ANYBODY.” 4. ranisit priest sat in his stady one day, Writing a sermon to preach to his flock, When a fellow came in, in a cool sort of way, - Without * By your leave,” or yet even a knock. “Ifyou plaze, Father Duffy, I've come for to say ‘That ['m thinkin’ of marryin’, air, if you plaze. It’s a thrifle of money I've got pat away, And the woman—God bless her!—can live at her aise. “She's not quite as handsome as some that I know, But she's dacent and honest—I'm quite sure of that— And as long as she loves me, I don't care for show; So I hope that you'll give us your blessin’,” said Pat. “Tam pleased to hear this, Pat,” the good priest re- plied. “In the Bible we read man should not live alone; Therefore Eve was created from out Adam’s side. She'll be * flesh of your flesh,’ Pat, and ‘ bone of your bone.'* Faith! I'm certain of that,” Pat replied, with a laugh. Sure, your Riverence doesn't know Biddy Mahone? Troth! I’m doubtin’, instead of its bein’ the half, She'll get all of the flesh and lave me all the bone!” J. ¥. N. PECK. Wir a proper regard for the eternal fit- ness of things, Sara Bernhardt has been and gone and married ‘‘a stick.” Present indications point to a dry summer in Kansas. We read in a Denver paper that 1,000 men of that town have already signed the pledge. If the good work goes on as it has begun, thirsty souls in the unregencrate East may safely count upor a reduction in the price of whisky. Roscoe CoNKLING doesn’t read the news- papers.—Exchange, And yet the newspa- pers continue to be published, nevertheless. ‘THE attempt to change the Mongolian into a Must-go-lian has not resulted in so bright and shining a success as our Pacific slope statesmen fondly imagined. Ir is reported that Jay Gould has sued Kneeland, Stout & Co, for defamation of >usi- neags character, placing his damages at $1,000,- 000. Goodness gracious! “Who would have thought J..G. had-so much character about him? r Reasow the “good time” is so.long “ com- ing”: It started by a way train on an up Jer- sey railroad. SraLwart Discontent (to President Ar- thur): Now, Mr. President, what do you in- tend to doabout matters and things in general? PRESIDENT ARTHUR: 'Pon my word, I can’t tell exactly, but as near as I can guess I don't know, TuE polite letter writer: ‘‘ President Arthur requests the pleasure of Mr. W. H. Robert- son at the White House, to partake of a cold shoulder.” MOTHER GOOSE ON THE STOCK EXCHANGE. R. Hatcu, Draw the latch, Light your cigar and chin; Take a sap,— Reporter chap,— And rattle the whole thing in. Don Cameron has a big fight on hand, re- marks a Washington correspondent. Don is rather better at offhand fights; but on or off, he is a fighter always. And so is his unloved brother-in-law, Wayne McVeigh. Ir should be remembered that it was the im- maculate Edmunds, of Vermont, who set the restored franking privilege ball a-rolling in the Senate. The Vermont Senator is so far from home that the item of expressage of soiled clothes for the family wash “counts” in yearly aggregate. Should the measure fail in the House, which seems likely, maybe Scn- ator Edmunds might succeed better with a bill for the relief of Senators who cannot af ford to have their washing done out? A very remarkable case of feminine sympa- thy and solicitude was witnessed on Broad- way the other day, when a “lady,” whose bullterrier had just taken a mouthful out. of the calf of a passing pedestrian, exclaimed: “Dear, sweet little thing, I hope it won't make him sick!” ‘THE JuDGE kastens to tender his warmest congratulations to John Smith, who, accord- ing to Washington report, is to be (if indeed he has not already been) appointed United States Consul at Prescott, Canada. John is a numerous and deserving party, and this is the first instance in the history of the govern- ment, so far as appears, where his individual claims have been singled out and rewarded. The office may or may not be an important and remunerative one—of that itdoesn’t much matter. As Byron once remarked of a book, an office's an office, althougb there’s nothing in’t. And John Smith has got the office,any how, and that suffices for the honor of the in- dividual! Let nobody hereafter elevate the nasal organ at John. He is not only a man and a brother, but a Consul, also. Wit Mr. Charles Francis Adams please rise and explain as to which of the two “Frauds” he considers the greater—R. B. Hayes or the Bunco man? Tue latest Navy Bill: Bill Chandler. TuINcs have come toa pretty pass when the Superior Court steps in and says that a man cannot beat his wife without being liable to an action for assault and battery. For what did our fathers fight, and bleed, and get frost-bitten at Valley Forge? What for but liberty? And are we to stand idly by and sec those dearly-bought rights snatched and torn and yanked from us by a gang of fossil- ized lawyers, who probably have not the spirit to enjoy such a degree of liberty? Was Revolutionary blood shed in vain? Were our sires frost-bitten for naught? No, never be it so said! Rouse, ye freemen! rouse, ye slaves! There must be another revolution, and our old rights restored to us, or we will stop marrying. Tue disorder called ‘‘ Pink Eye” is most liable to attack people the morning after a heavy spree. It.is very prevalent in this community. Ir not unfrequently happens that when the head of the family fails to be home at dinner it is one of his fast days. JuLivs Csar evidently had an ‘inter- viewer ” in his mind’s eye when he inquired: “Who is it in the press that calls on me?” WHEN a person’s brain is on fire it isn’t quite the proper thing to blow it out, you know. Won't somebody please publish a work to be entitled ‘‘ Half Hours with Our Worst Au- thors,” just to see how it will compare with “Half Hours with Our Best Authors.” IN some countries of South America they use eggs for currency, which accounts for the preponderance of bad currency in those countries. WHEN some good Americans dye they go not to Paris directly, but to the nearest hair- comicbooks.com