Judge — March 4, 1882 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

| | | | | | | THE JUDGE. TOPERS’ THOUGHTS. (Wimt contrite apology to Richard Lenry Stoddart, after realing bis Servian ditty, entitled * Lovers’ Hearts") Fall of rocks, two chips from old-time blocks, To friendly lamp-post clun, But no, the} ‘not well supplied with * rocks "— ‘Thoy were “busted” and kneesprang. Milarious both, and bound by hiccough oath To welcome morning’s light; Sudden the stupor that surprised them both Beneath the gas blaze bright! (Though these topers were dead drunk, This is what their “spirits” thunk): “Thore’s a ‘nip’ that in convivial grip Is sweeter, soothin’er than the rest; Go and imbibe that nutmegyed ‘nip? And let its essence thrill thy breast ; Soatch it, and, as its fuids permeate, Remember it is deadlier than ‘ whisky stralgbt.* “White as milk, a goblet-full will bil Thy brains, for well we know— Another goblet of this insidious milk Punch will lay thee low. With thy treacherous thirst take up All the milk from out the cup, ‘And, like sunshine after storm, Lot it thy chilled pulses warm, Softly sip the stuff, and sa} As you quaff its lees away, “Thus my sober senses quit, For see, I've gulped down every bit!” ERRATIC ENRIQUE. «“ ERRATICS.” Harry the plain-spoken man who at Icast once a week falls out of the good graces of some thin-skinned friend! “Wuy,” queried old Bluntspeech, as he sat down heavily on an ice-glazed pavement, “why am I like a locomotive engine?” It doesn’t require a single clutch at the italic case to make the answer to that conundrum as plain as a wood-box. Ir takes the feltroofer to “pitch” into landlords. He does it with a big bill for Spring repairs. Senator Georc beautiful house in Washington and the slim- mest chance to inhabit the most famous one. LyINc travesty is the game of fools. —Oscar- wilde, And poor, nettled wsthete, you still find that the fools are game. A TRADE authority on gentlemen's coming styles says: ‘Pants are cmphatically tight and perfectly devoid of spring.” When the wearer becomes emphatically “tight,” he is dovoid of spring, but I'll be blowed if he pants. + As oyster dredging is legal the mother of pear! must be a mother-in-law. Lovo before Hans Lippershey invented the telescope, many a Dutchman's wife made him see stars through the butt end of a broomstick, Every editor ought to be allowed to elect his own Governor.—Alanta Banner, And nominate his own poison. We take lemon in THE peppermint crop of of these glorious United States has reached seventy thousand pounds a year, and yet we continue to be the windiest nation on earth. A sew serial yarn by Besant and Rice titled, ‘All Sorts and Conditions of Men.” | The plot is probably worked out in the caucus room of a delegates’ convention, ‘Tur: world has been justly proud of its he- roes, but what would we have done for shad without the she rocs? Some curt proverb architect has said: ‘ Dy- ing is ag natural as living.” He might have added, “and a deal more posicive.” Happy sojourner in this lachrymose vale, who, while he exists is dead sure of his li IP ice is really capable of conveying the germs of disease, why would it not be a good idea for the householder to have his ice vac- cinated before using it? Potter's building seems to have been a valuable adjunct to Potter's Ficld. Wuen the prodigal son comes home they no longer kill the fatted calf for him. They just turn the animal into a vaccine farm and give him the profits. ‘Tu Lenten period is probably so called be- cause it brings revelry and all foolishness to a full stop. Leo XIIL. is not atall Leo IX. in character. A RELIGIOUS punctuation mark: The Lenten period. New York is as earnest in her complaints against Plunger Walton as London was, but for a different reason. London complained because he cleaned her out, New York be- cause he don’t. ‘Tue printer is the most contented man in existence. Whatever happens he is always sure of his ink ‘um, Tuosk who are compelled to eat in the dark should be careful to have their eye tecth about them. Tue Baptist revivalist may be safely set down as a man thoroughly immersed in his business. Tue woman who says she hates handsome men usually says s0 to ugly ones. Isn't it rather rough on one’s own ears when the owner says he can scarcely believe them? Never cry over spilled milk. But if you feel disposed to drop a few saline tears into the chalk-and-water substitute now being sold in New York, it is certain they will detract ours. nothing from the quality of the decoction. THE LAST BR nike, Uring up about ther full av yer hover cters of some of our most promi- nent politicians are like their boots—none the worse for blacking. “Tue Stomach and Its Difficulties” is the ing title of a quasi-mcdical treatise just hed. The chief difficulty with the stom- ach, among the poorer cl is to get some- thing to fill it. Ovragricultural contemporary, the Herald, has a learned and highly interesting article on “Our Codfish Culture.” We trust it may be followed by another, equally able, on “+ Our Goat Fisheries.” Both are subjects of inten: and universal concern. Tue Mormon Cannon turns out to be only a very smooth bore around the lower house of Congress, Tue “genius of New England” is irrepres- sible. A Boston man has just conceived the brilliant idea of putting a spittoon on casters, and asks a patent for it, Iowa must be a highly interest-ing State. A bill is now before its Legislature to reduce the rate of interest fo 8 per cent. Lire is full of contradictions, And woman- kind makes us painfully aware of the fact that we shall never hear the last of them. ‘Tue riddle of the Pattersonian sphinx (as to who struck Billy) has never yet been suc- cessfully solved. But if anybody is anxious to find out who intends to strike Speaker Patter- son, let him inquire of any Sachem of ‘Tamma- ny, from John Kelly down to de profundis Frank Spinola. Ir is not so very painful to lose a fortune as it is to hear what your neighbors will ss about it afterwards, Waar President Arthur had better do with the irrepressible cabinct-aspiring Sar- gent—drop him, as he did the other redolent Murphy. comicbooks.com