Judge — February 18, 1882 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“ Way, Tom, what's the matter with your leg ?” “ Got vaccinated there so as it wouldn't show. Capital idea, don't you think so?" OUR POPULAR FARCES, “VALENTINES.” REPORTED BY “ED.” Cnaracters: Mr. Anyoyz, principal character. ous others appear duly. Ace Finst.—Scene—Nursery. CHARACTERS, Mr, ANYONE, Katie (Nurse.) | Mr. Anyone.—Oh, Katie, I'se dot a splen- | did valentine. Bought myself. Katie.—Ye did, ye rascal. Mr, Anyone.—Papa. Katie.—Where is it? Mr. Anyone.—Here. Katie.—Let me luk at it. (MR. Axyoye produces it from his dress pock- et, As said pocket also contains a lump of butter, four dates, several ounces of taffy and a half-ecten apple, the valen- tine 1s not in the best possible condition, but still it can be seen.) Kate.—Whirra, what a valentine. resints yez father as a wife-bater. Mr. Anyone.—I don't care. Didn't papa tell mamma t’other day dat if she didn’t Vari- Who is it for? It rep- keep quiet "bout somefing dat he'd make her. Billy Brown went wiz me to buy the valentine; and when I told him what papa said, he said he'd pick me out one dat would juster suit, He picked out dis. Katie.—Just loike the young rapscallen. He is foive years oulder than ye, and has an unaquiled head for mischief upon him. How are ye going to sind it to yez father. Mr, Anyone.—Oo take it. He's up-stairs. (Katie, smiling grimly, departs, Shereturns presently.) Mr. Anyone.—Was papa pleased ? Katie.—Plazed? He's a taking off av his cuff to give his hand full swing. It is lucky ye will be if ye sit down for a wake! Ace Seconp.—Scene—A back-yard. Char- acters—MR. ANYONE, @t. ten; JAKEY Jones, eet, eleven. Mr. Anyone.—Hey, Jakey, come out. Jakey.—Can't. Mr, Anyone.—Cos why?” Jakey.—Played hooky to-day, and mudder sez I can't giout for a week. What yer got? Mr. Anyone.—Val'n'tine. Jakey.—Who for? Mr, Anyone—Earsy Smith. He told on me yesterday, that I was the one who fired the spitball that pasted old Parleyvoo, the French teacher, in the eye. Golly, didn’t he jump. Jakey (delightedly).—Did he? Let’s see the val'n'tine. (The valentine—a highly-colored picture of a yellow dog with a boy's head, labeled “Cur” beneath it—is shown, JAKEY highly admires it.] Jakey.—Tell yer wot I'd do. him yourself. Mr. Anyone.—Don't wanter, sJakey.—Cos yer scared. Mr. Anyone.—I ain't. Jakey.—Yer are. Yer dassent. Mr, Anyone,—I dast. Jakey.—Bet yer a top. Mr. Anyone.—Bet yer. I'll goright away. Earsy is playing marbles with Fatty Smith up the alley. (MR. ANYONE goes off Interval of five minutes. MR. ANYONE presently returns with his left eye lolling out upon his cheek, and his nasal organ indubitably flattened and gory.) Jakey.—Did yer give Earsy the val'n'tine? Mr, Anyone (weakly).—Don't 1 look like it?) But yer bet I'll tell his mother, and won't he get licked when his old man gets home! Ace THIRD.—ScENE—MR. ANYONE'S Hall bedroom, three flights up, rear. Characters— MR. ANYONE, @t. twenty; Mp. TaPeYaRD, his friend. Mr. Tapeyard,—Well, old fel, you are all dressed up. Where are you bound for to- night? Mr, Anyone.—To day i Mr, any? Mr. Anyone.—Yes, one. Mr. Tapeyard.—Who to? Mr, Anyone.—Miss Goldthread. Mr, Tapeyard.—What! the millionaire’s daughter? Do you know her? Mr. Anyone (proudly).—Yaas; I met her at a ball, and—no presumption, old boy—she seemed quite struck. 1 danced a fancy dance with her, you know. She did not quite ex- actly ask me to call, but I knew she desired me to. So I've sent her a valentine, and I will call tonight. Good idea, if I could only make a mash, eh, Tapey? Mr. Tapeyard.—If youonly could. Nothing but wine to drink and birds to cat. Mr. Anyone.—Well, wait till I come back. I will return very soon, for I will only makea short call at first. She will be tickled to death with the valentine. ‘Tween you and I it cost me six dollars—a week's salary, you know. Elegant affair. Mr. Tapeyard (enviously).—Wish I had your luck, old fellow. Good-night—I'll wait. Mr. Anyone.—So long. [Exit Mr. ANYONE. Interval of three- quarters of an hour. Enter Mr. ANYONE.) Mr. Tapeyard.—Back already? But what luck, you look sad? Mr. Anyone (wearily).—Tapey, I have cause to feel sad. I—I saw Miss Goldthread, and—and—— Mr. Tapeyard.—What? Mr. Anyone.—She said, in a purse-prond, patrician way, that she did not recognize ball: Dat's good. I'd take it to Valentine's Day. Tapeyard.—Blest if it ain't. Sent comicbooks.com