Judge — January 14, 1882 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

cece Our Original Norristown Budget. A READER of a scientific journal asks “ How to clean out boil It is the easiest. thing inthe world. Simply let the water get too low, or the steam too high, and the boiler will not only be “cleaned out” with remarkable im- petuosity, but pretty much everything else in its immediate vicinity will be cleaned out with it. It never fails. A WEST! judge has decided that “a mar- ried man must support his mother-in-law. ay strange decision, but not as wonderful as if the judge had decided that an unmarried man must support his mother-inlaw. ‘This ruling will be apt to make a young man select a wife who never ‘(a mother. Tue editor of the Fi “The nomination and confirmation of B, II. Brewster, Esq., as U.S. Attorney General was not in accordance wich the expressed wish of this paper, ‘The appointment should not have made.” And yet we boast of the * power of the press!” The claim is a hollow mockery. But perhaps the editor of the Clarion neglected to send marked copies of his papers to the President. That may ac- count for it. been We learn from an advertisement that prices for masked ball costumes are various. You can be a kind old gentleman with a long white beard for ten dollars; but if you want to be a monk you must pay forty dallars, and to repre- sent a first-class devil with hoofs and a plenti- tude of tail, costs seventy doliars. Some men, however, can personate the latter individual without expending acent. They can’t help it. ‘Tere is nothing more beautiful in a mar- ried man than a sweet, even-tempered dispo- sition, It is a jewel of priceless value. ‘The other night Mr. Worthington got out of bed at two, to close the window to shut out the rain, and while groping about in the dark with both arms extended, as if he were play- ing blind-man’s-but!, his wife heard something go kind o' thud, and felt the house vibrate slightly, as if an infantile earthquake had struck it. The noise was caused by her hus: band’s nose and forehead coming in violent ct with a halfopen door. Now some men would have thrown themselves on the bed and made their wives’ store hair stand on end by exhausting all the profanity in the book and inventing a long list of new cuss words for the occasion. But Mr. Worthington did nothing of the kind, He simply lifted his t foot, on the spur of the moment, and gave the door such a kick that it had to have new hinges before it could be locked, and he had to have a pair of crutches before he could walk, How true the words of the poct: “A little previousness is better than a violent temper, which giveth a man away like untoa marriage ceremony.” Or wordsto that effect. Ir, as the Rev. Mr. Talmage declares, ‘hell is strewn with tobacco leav« it must be a very unpleasant place for ladies who “can’t bear the smell of cigar smoke.” And their name is le THE JUDGE. Ir some genius were to invent an opera glass whereby a man at the theater could see through the monster feminine hats which shat off his view of the stage, it is our’ tirn j that he could make more money than by ing poetry for country newspapers. ‘Tue sisters of Louis XVI, it is said, burned | candles costing 215,068 livres in one y It may be inferred that courtship, in the days of Louis XVI, had not progressed to that en- lightened stage where it is fashionable for a young lady to turn down the gas very, very low, when her young man calls around on Sunday night to discuss one thing and another until two a. M. Monday. Louis’ sisters were queer girls. Instinct should have taught them how to economize in light. A LITTLE girl, aged seven, was found shiver- ing and starving in the streets of New York, the other day, her cruel step-mother having | beaten her, and turned her out in the cold. Eh? what's that? Oh, yes; there is a Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children in the city, but where there is so much destitu- tion some cases must necessarily be over- looked. The members of the S. P. C. C. are obliged to be constantty on the lookout for bright and happy and wellfed and well- clothed little girls, who are cruelly permitted to dance and sing on the stage twenty-five or thirty minutes each evening, for ten or twenty dollars a week, and whose salary is inhumanly devoted to the purchase of the necessaries of life for a sick mother and a couple of helpless children, Let us be charitable, and not ask too much of the S. P. C. C. It is said that the course of a cannon ball may be turned by contact shingle. Any one who doubts this statement is at liberty to stand in front of a cannon with ‘a shingle and try the interesting ex When he back he will ple Tue editor of the Hopeville Times is urging the town council to widen certain streets, The wants of cditors, of course, should be gratified, when their demands are reasonable; but perhaps if the Hopevillc editor were t: call at fewer saloons on his way home at night, he would find the streets plenty wide enough, Tue item about the “warmth of newspa- pers"—how they make good substitutes for blankets—is going the rounds of the press again, That there is a great deal of warmth in newspapers is an undeniable fact. Indeed, they make it altogether too hot for corrupt politicians pretty often. Tne thought that one of Meissonier’s paint- ings costs as much as twenty thousand dollars and seal-skin saques as high as seven hundred dollars, must be very discouraging to an wsthetic man of moderate means; but how sweet the reflection that a good-sized mack- erel can be bought for twenty-five cents, and bologna sausage is only fourteen cents a pound. This bustling world of ours is full of | compensations. 3 Ir the suspension of all the American mag: azines would cause deep regret in two million homes, how many people in this country would mourn and refuse to be comforted if the United States government was to discontinue the printing of public documents and the Congressional Record? Answer: Not one save the old paper dealers and a few Con- gressmen who want to see in print their speeches they never delivered. a bashful young man finds himself in where there is a creamy infant of ten months, the expression of his face, when the proud mother thrusts her tender offspring at him with the remark, “ Baby, kiss the nice gentleman,” may be imagined, but it eannot be counterfeited. A FAMILY journal says ‘it isan outrage to calla child John Smith.” Then what must it be to call a full-grown man John Smith? And 1 people frequently do it, we regret to s name, About the Autophone. jeNTs: We are in receipt of your Autophone circulars, which we have perused with more than ordinary pleasure; indeed, we may with feelings of excessive joy. Please forward us at once three gross (men’s sizes). If there nything in thi le of teal we have been suffering for the want of it is some Autophones. We always knew we Aut- oph-one, if not more, We have a mother: law who has been deaf from birth, We wish to prepare her for the “Sweet Bye and Bye,” and we think she will be a fit subject for the hereafter after graduating on an Auto- phone. We think an Autophone must be too utterly toot-too, Can your Autophone be used fora washing. machine? Is there any danger of them going off half-cocked? Have you got any with breech- loading attachments? Do you send a. police- man with each machine? Are they weather: proof, anid could we stack them in the woods if the authorities should object to their being introduced within the city limits? Cana man ave’em if he has been vaccinated? Is it true that an Autophone is a cross between a liver pad and a conundrum? Ifyou have a second- hand one for sale cheap, forward it to Charles Guiteau, Washington, D.C. If found in his possession it will establish his insanity. We have an idea, a bad cold, a mule, asec ond-hand divorce case, and several other arti- cles of bric-a-brac, which we will trade you for a share in an Autophone, if you will throw in a national bank and a triptoEurope. Yours, musically, KEYS & GORHAM, P. S.—If you conclude to trade, please pick your Autophone half ripe, and pack it care- fully ina glass case. We suppose it should be pecled before cooking. K.& G. “Can any good thing come out of Naza- reth?” We don't know; but the remains of the sea-serpent have come out of New Jersey, and Nazareth should not despair, comicbooks.com