Judge — November 5, 1881 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

4 THE JUDGE. Our Original Norristown Budget. A HANDSOME female lobbyist says a woman's tears, in five minutes, have more effect upon the average Congressman than four hours’ ar- gument. This may be true; but with the average Congressman wind is a more common motor than water. He is so averse to water that he won't drink it unless it is strongly di- luted with whisky, to destroy its deleterious effects or something. THE YORKTOWN A Revisep Brt or Tistory ror Youso Reapers, Tne centennial ceremonies which have just ended at Yorktown, Va., celebrated an event that occurred one hundred years ago. The rumor that they were held in honor of the British sympathy and mourning exhibited in our recent national sorrow is a weak invention of the enemy. Centennial celebrations, my young readers, in bly take place one hun derd years subsequently, bu! we live in a fast and progressive age, and a few years hence we may witness centennials celebrating events only ten years old. ‘The most depressing fe: ture connected with a celebration of this char- acter is the ‘Centennial Ode” written for the occasion. Thousands of persons who were born with their natures brimful of poetry would rather have one hundred centennials in one year without an ode, than one centennial in a hundred years with an ode. Cornwallis, who commanded the British troops at Yorktown, was considered the ablest English commander the Revolution had pro- duced. In those days the morning newsp: pers were not edited by military strategists, as they were during our own Southern diffi culty, eighteen years ago, hence Cornwall reaped all the honors. His military achieve- mets were not overshadowed by the superior knoweldge of war displayed by the newspa- per general. This was very fortunate for Cornwallis, but he was eventually scooped, | all the same. ‘*Scooped,” my young friends, means that he was bounced—compelled to light out, you know. dertook to fortify Old Point Comfort, but find- ing the Old Point uncomfortable, he pushed on to Yorktown. He must have been pretty sick when he reached there, for history says he at once began to ‘throw up”—fortifications. While Cornwallis was felicitating himself upon his successful maneuver in eluding the Federal troops, whom he supposed were be- sieging New York city and planning the over- throw of Boss Kelly, George Washington, who, as some of my youthful readers may re- member, didn’t resemble an official bulletin to any great extent—and yet, as remarkable as it may appear, was not a newspaper man— George made a strategic move southward and treated the British commander and his men to a surprise party, Not one of these modern surprise parties, you know, where the to-be- surprised pa apprised of the intended surprise a week in advance—but a genuine surprise, such as you would undoubtedly ex- perience if you were to find a bright silver dollar, and upon attempting to expend it for a toy pistol, be told that the coin was coun- terfeit. Washington reached Lafayette’s camp at Williamsburg on September 14, 1781, and on the 28th the American and French troops moved forward to the investment of Yorktown. And it was the best investment for this country that they could have made—better than an in- vestment in six percent. Government bonds, The game laws one hundred years ago, my little friends, permitted the shooting of Hes- sians all the year round, and nearly every the Federal soldiers would go gunning in the vicinity of Yorktown, and come home with their game-bags full. On the evening of October 6th a series of American and French balls were given the Britishers, which made ’em waltz around pretty lively, and precipitated quite a racket. Corn- wallis felt it in the ossitied .portions of his anatomy—‘ in his bones,” you know—that the jig would soon be up, as Lord Bacon says. On the night of October 14th the British troops were overtaken by a terrible storm. The Federals stormed the British redonbts. On the 17th Cornwallis cade a sortie, but it was not a sort he could call successful. It was on this day that the British commander uttered those words which have become famous in Amcrican history— Don't shoot ; I'll come down.” On the 18th the British laid down their arms and took up their legs, and Ameri- can Independence was won—and insepar- able. This, my young readers, happened one hundred years ago, and you cannot be too grateful that Washington scooped in Corn- wallis. Had it been vice versa, you would have been subjects of England's Queen, and some of you, perchance, would have called a horse a ’oss and an eel a h’eel. When Cornwallis surrendered, Yankee Doodle embarked in the Republic business in earnest, working twenty-four hours a day; and the Continental Congress resolved that a Before reaching Yorktown Cornwallis un- | monument should be erected on the ficld where the decisive blow for American Inde- pendence was struck. The corner-stone of this monument was laid on the 18th ult.—a phenomenal piece of quick work—for monu- ment building. By judicious management, ex- tra hours of labor, and a Congressional ap- propriation every five years, the monument may be ready tounveila century hence. We shall sec. Our country, we may add in conclusion, evinced a very forgiving disposition in in- John Bull to come over and view the ground where his troops got licked. “Licked” is a Greek word, my young read- ers, meaning everlastingly whacked. But John Bull didn't come over. He had other engagements. ‘To the invitation he replied, “ Not this Centennial—s'mother Centennial.” We suspect he is too busy arresting “ sus- pects.” Bay. Krorr. Two Ohioans quarreled recently over the possession of a hog, and one stabbed and killed the other. These family broils fre- quently culminate in tragedies. A RIcH old Pennsylvanian, named Counter: sine, has a pretty daughter of sweet eighteen, and all the young men in the neighborhood want the old man to give them the Counter- sine. But he’s on his guard, and understands their tactics, though it may be safely pre- dicted that an engagement is imminent in which her heart will be carried by storm. “Tre man with the iron jaw” had a pain- ful experience while traveling in Maine. A practical joker induced him to attempt to pronounce the names of a couple of lakes in that State, He got over Lake Mahokukagug- mimwskoughliwsk with merely a sprain of the facial museles, but when he attempted to wrestle with Lake Hokamoksquittamugger- skmouttgkgwstillsmuggeruskiggi, his iron jaw was fractured in eleven places. “Some chromos go through thirty-one pro- cesses before they are finished.” And some chromo-peddlers go through almost as many processes before they are “ finished Being kicked off the front stoop is one of the most painful of the processes, but the operation brings out a warm tone on their cheeks. A News item says oil of cinnamon will de- stroy mosquitoes. And so it will; but you must first catch the mosquito, tie a brick to its neck, and immerse the insect in a bucket- ful of the oil. The remedy is so simple that it is strange it was not discovered earlier, MorHeR Surptoy’s,year has not been such a bad year, after all. The failures, drought, tor- nadoes, forest fires, a: inations, and Amer- ican comic operas have been terrible cnough, but the world is full of compensations. No less than fourteen patent medicines, warranted to cure liver complaints, have been introduced since the year opencd. A medicine that will take the kinks out of a man’s liver, and make it as good as new, is a more valuable dis- covery than a score of $200 comets. comicbooks.com