Judge — October 29, 1881 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

—— THE JUDGE. QUID FLES? oR, The Sad Condition of a Junior Clerk. A truce while I bary my dead ! Hopes, friendships and dreams by the score, And Faith, with a cross at her head, Aud loves that shall quicken no more. And memories, tender and sv vet, ‘That have faded and fallen away, And songs that I used to repeat,— Let me bury them all to-day. And echoes of musical words, Spoken softly by trait’rous lips, As sweet as the twitter of birds, And falser than fair phantom ships. Here are visions of pleasure and bliss, Here are longings for honor and fame, ‘They have died with no tear or kiss, To lie in a grave without name, A truce while I bury them all ! And would I had perished instead. Now, let Life's wild war-trumpet call, For my heart has buried its dead. Poor boy? Life is gloomy indeed ! Pray, what is the cause of Do you brood o'er the spirit’s need, Or is it the Liver Complaint? An Accommodating Road. SeveRaL ago a stranger made his ap- pearance at the Union Depot and asked Ofi- cer Button how long before the Grand River Valley train would go out. “Tn about twenty minutes,” was the reply. “Then T'll have time to get a drink, won't I” “You will.” ‘phat’s good. I always prefer to travel on a stiff horn of whisky.” He returned in five minutes, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand, and asked: «Has my train gone yet?” “No, sir; you wil! have fourteen minutes to spare.” . “That's good; and I guess I'll go back for a little brandy.” When he again returned he felt in good spirits, and ascertaining that he still had six minutes to spare he said: . “‘Now that’s what I call liberal, and I'll lay in one more drink.” ‘The last one proved more than he could bear up under, and he was not seen again for three hours. Then he came round with a wobble in his gait and an uncertain look in his eyes and asked: “Shay, what time does that Valley train go out?” “Tn about four hours?” “Fo! hours? Why, that'll give me time to get drunk agin; mos’ ’commodatin’ railroad T ever saw, eh?” Yes.” “Shay! I doan’ want to be mean. Go'n tell ‘er superintendent he needn't wait fur me any longer, ‘cause, ‘tmay delay others. He's azhentleman, he is, and I'm a zhentleman, I am, but when a zhentleman holds a train for me mos’ half a day T can’t impose on him any longer! Shay, do you ever cry when you get zhrunk? I do, and if you've no ‘jeckshuns | T'll cry now.” | Gran’ River No objections being made, he cried. A Boy’s Vacation. A SMALL boy, who seems utterly destitute of holiness, is up in the country spending his ¥: cation. Ifhe don'tmake things lively and bring his parents to grief before the summer wanes. away it will be wonderfully remarkable. Here i$ an extract from a letter written by him toa schoolmate in Cambridge :—‘ This is the best place in the world to have fun, There is six of us fellers, and an old man who lives here said he wished we was all in hell; we throwed his wheelbarrow int a well and he couldn't get it out, and that is what made him swear. I gota fish-hook stuck into my nose, and don’t you for- get itain't sore. The farmer folks put tin pans out in the sun to dry, and they are sick pans to hold milk after we jab holes in ‘em, farmers mow down hay with a horse-rake and scatter it round with a grass-mill and pile it up with a machine. Grippie got one of his legs in ahay mechine and got cut immense, and when he gets home he won't have any leg, only one; he'll be a healthy kid to play base- ball. There was a great cireus when Jimmie’s mother came and found him crazy, he was so he ct too many cucumbers, and two quarts of huckleberries, and I et more'n he did. I want you to see Nickey aud swap my rabbits for his gun. We fired a pistol four times at a cow yesterday and didn’t kill her. Pistols ain't no good for game. We drowned six hens in a brook yesterday; it was sport to see ‘em flop ‘round, We shall drowned some more to-morrow, and we shall drowned some more day. The doctor has cured Jimmie, and his mother was goin’ to take him home, But here is something funny : Jimmie put some squirrels in his trunk, and they et his clothes up. When you send the gun, send a lot of powder and allot of matches. We are goin’ campin’ out next week.” Joux P. Fotry, the American correspon- dent of the London Telegraph, will cable our leading article, of course. The most beauti- ful colors used in the production of THe JupGe pictures are selected from his assortment of neckties, ‘Tue “extra,” which was issued, announcing the surrender of Cornwallis, was only about four inches by four, and yet it told the story just as well as a quintuple sheet issued to-day from the Herald office would have done. Be- sides, the reader was not bored with dreary pages of editorial matter, square yards of “wants,” and “ personals.” Ah! those were days of simplicity and patriotism, although it only took a paper four inches square to tell about it. ‘Tney have bounced the Rev. Dr. ‘Thomas out of the Methodist Church, because he don’t believe in hell and damnation; but being lo- cated at Chicago, he becomes doubly dear to the people, and he will soon undoubtedly be enjoying a fat salary with a crowd of reporters to mangle his Sunday sermons for him. Tow utilitarian and economical a young lady becomes when she goes shopping to buy things for her mother! SPOONS. “Ou, Emeline! Oh, Emeline!” Theand a lover say— “The hours are short, I've staid too long; Sweet, aweet, I must away!” “ Ab, Gussie dear, why hasten thus?” ‘The maiden questioned s! “You are the son-light of my beart; It's boy-ed up when you're nigh.” *T fondly pledge to you my love— {Now don't my collar muss!) How strange it is that you seem true, And yet are all beaw-Gus.” “To-morrow week,” she whispered soft, You must come 0 dine.” He said he would, but ere that day He dropped his Em-a-line! ATIC ENRIQUE. We are preparing a Punster’s Handbook for the use of new aspirants for paragraphic fame, When the “great American humor- ist” in embryo sces a pateh-work paragraph in an exchange, built by a dozen different brilliant wits—a paragraph, for instance, on Boston, with its Hub-bub, good-felloes, spokes- men, never tire, for wheel or whoa, a wag-on the press, axle lot of questions, hold your tongue, ete.—when he sees such an effort, he is seized with an irresistible desire to “catch on” with a pun of the same genus; but the pun for which he reaches may be so elusive, coy, and retiring, that he grabs for the unat- tainable. It is for the benefit of such pun- sters the Handbook is designed. The annexed brace of specimens will show the character of the work : Undertaker.—Shrouded in mystery ; ap-palling; a grave subject; tomb much; a coffin ft; itis cemetery-al; brought to his bier; I any more; corse jokes; a little morgue gravity, please; don't feel so “stiff about it; ghoul long with such nonsense, etc. 000; don't re-hearse Dressmaker.—Only sew sue in her smiles; a-hem; a needles remark; of corset is; ruille her temper; all tuckered out; jabot in his binding agreement; gusset “Il do; seams sew; a waist of time; don’t train in that crowd; an un- -ed opinion; give him the saque ; up-braid her; such puns are enough to make an ap'-ron, etc. In addition to the foregoing samples, the book will contain all the possible puns on such subjects as the wasp, the goat, eggs, oysters, poker, the mother-inlaw, the mule, comets, fowls, sca serpent, Jonah, and more than one hundred others in daily paragraphic use. If our cotemporaries will kindly allude to the Handbook as a highly immoral publi- cation, not fit to be read aloud in the family circle—of a variety theater—and call upon Anthony Comstock to suppress it, the work will have an immense sale.—Norvistown Her- ald, Some niggers’ honesty is reggerlated mostly by de spunk of de yard dorg.—Uncle Mose. Boston postures to the front. The solid men have come to the conclusion that they will have the World's Fair there, if they can only make sure of five million of dollars as a starter. Come to think of it, New York would have felt the same noble impulses and sensations could that little boodle have been secured here.