Beadle's New York Dime Library No. 32 — page 21: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

of you fellows. If I ain’t ‘College-bred,’ old Sam has got an idea stowed away up here,” placing his hand on his brow. ‘Why don't you pat the top of your head, Uncle Keeler?’ observed Joggles, with a smile, ‘* Oh, all of you must be on hand to hear me, for Ishall put the big licks in, and address the school-house full of people—I shall. All of ’em know me out thar—boys and gals;” and he shook his head with much important assur- ance, It pleased the boys to hear him go on and blow away what he was able to do, particu- larly how he could have defeated Wellington, had he been at Napoleon’s side during the Wa- terloo campaign; and also if his ‘education had not been neglected” in his young days, what a noise he would have raised in the world of letters. a ‘*Tt’s in me, boys, but it wants cultivating,” used to be his great sentiment, when the sub- ject of his abilities came up for discussion. The eventful Tuesday evening at last dawned —and great times followed on that night. It was cold aud snowy. Lots of students wished for the “ old red school-house,” and long before the appointed hour, the building was rammed, jammed and crammed, with all kinds of people, of all sizes and conditions. The “Philistines” were there to a man, while many an “ out- sider” popped in to see the fun. The female portion of Keeler’s audience consisted of young girls and old maids, Joggles & Co. were in high glee, for these mischievous chaps felt as- sured that great times would ensue. At last the ‘‘ conspicuous Keeler” made his appearance, puffing and blowing away, like the snore of a dyspeptic giant, which caused tre- mendous applause—particularly from Joggles’s crowd, which was loud and vociferous. It ra- ther made Uncle Keeler excitable. for he bowed and blushed, nodded and scraped, and put himself into all kinds of comical attitudes, “What airs!” whispered Ogleish to a chum, ** See old Keeler’s flesh-bag shake and trem- ble,” whispered Dan, ‘* Now, then, for a high time,” remarked Jog- gles to his crowd—and they alone nearly filled the building. The ‘Orator of the Evening” was dressed in a suit of “sheep’s gray.” He wore a white neckerchief, and very screaking shoes, His hair was well ’iled, and he seemed to be about 4 quarter-seas-over ”’—nothing more—-nothing ess. At length, the comical, cross-eyed, long- legged, round-shouldered Sim Gouger called the assembly to order, making a few ungrain- matical remarks in regard to the particulars of the meeting. After introducing his “ worthy friend, Samuel Keeler, Esquire,” the renowned ‘‘ Fatty ” ascended the schoolmaster’s desk, and giving the flesh about his neck an unmerciful twitching with his thumb and finger, he squeal- ed out in a comical tone : ‘‘ Boys AND CRONIES ”—Here an unfortunate outsider” giggled, which gave rise to some profane expletives on the part of one of the ‘* Philistines,” who suggested to the “ outsider” the propriety of his reserving his mirth until his. grandmother’s funeral shall take place. The ‘‘ outsider’s” giggle faded into a sort of bilious choke, when Keeler, shaking for the second time the bag of flesh, commenced : ‘Boys AND CroNIES”—Mr. Keeler was again interrupted by an elderly gentleman, with a mouth resembling a peach-basket, who gave vent to a ferocious cough, caused prob- ably by the sudden stoppage of his wind by a chew of tobacco. Five minutes elapsed before the individual above named was restored to a state of quiet- ude, during which five minutes he was regaled by receiving an unlimited amount of punches on the back, aud digs in the ribs. Peace being restored, Keeler once more opened the cham- pagne—we should have said campaign. ‘“‘ Boys AND CRONIES: this is the third time I’ve said ‘boys and cronies’—and I hope it’s the last, ’cause how there is no use of repeating the thing, if folks don’t want to hear it. I didn’t come here to-night to lecture on boys und eronies—but I come here for to come, to go, to give in toto my consolidated opinion on ‘Women, Napoleon, and the Bible’—and I wish it to be emphatically understood that they are three big subjects—of big importance—and oughter be lectured on by big people.” The speaker was again interrupted for a mo- ment; he shook his bag of meat, which gave B’hoys ¢ of Yale. rise to an important query, which was pro- pounded by a short man, with bow-legs and bleared eyes, who asked the big Keeler: ** Why in thunder don’t you keep your ideas in your head—not let ’em down into that ere bag, so you won’t have to stop your speech to shake ’em out?’ Keeler looked indignant; but the sublimity of the subject which occupied his mind, wouldn’t permit him to notice anything short of a direct insult, in the shape of a quid of tobacco along- side of his face—so with a majestic air, and the solemn elevation of his right hand and arm, he proceeded: ** Who was Napoleon—a human gineral ; and what is woman?—a gineral human. And now what is that big book, the Bible? It is some- thing that human ginerals, nor gineral humans, can’t never understand. (Immense applause, and one solitary hiss, which caused Joggles to suddenly rise, and immediately sit down again). “The Bible, in my ’pinion, is like Bob Stokes’s pine fiddle; there ar’n’t nerry religious tune but what can be played on it. But can you say that of Napoleon’s history?’ Here Mr. Keeler was again interrupted by an old lady on a front bench, who observed: ‘*Tt’s the first time I ever know’d that Na- poleon had a hightory.” ) Mr. Keeler, after inwardly anathematizin the old lady, and consigning her to a place, the temperature of which was considerably warmer than Terra del Fuego, proceeded: ‘*Can that be done, I repeat, with Napoleon’s history? No: nobody can make a fiddle out of Napoleon’s battles. All antiquity knows that he was thar, and he staid thar—and that’s more than woman in the garden of Eden did. What was it that first caused man to fall? Why, nothing but that pesky Mve, who took and squeezed an apple into a pint of cider, ‘gin it to Adam, and got the old feller tight. ‘** And then what did she do? Why, she took him by the arm, put him outside of the garden and went off and married old Satan, That’s the way of—” Another frightful interruption by the old lady on the front bench, who vociferated: ‘‘Oh, Lordy massy! massy on me! what a wicked wretch. I shouldn’t wonder if the whole schule-house would tumble down about our ears.” Joggles here rose, at this juncture, and re- quested the old lady on the front bench, in a very bland tone of voice, to be kind enough to - oblige the hearers, as well as the honorable speaker, by immediately closing up the mouth ot her bread-basket. Samuel Keeler, Esquire, gave an approving glance at Joggles, and again resumed his re- marks, “Napoleon Bonaparte, whose picture I have swung up on the four sides of my big back- room, was @ man who didn’t care a tinker’s cuss for anybody—black or white, old or young, big or little, married or single; and the man that sez the same feller that writ the Bible, writ Walter Scott’s History of Napoleon Bonaparte, isa big liar! And one of the proud- est acts of his career was his gitting rid of that ’are woman Josephine, who was a near relative of Gineral Camphene, who took fire, one day, by spontenacious contusive colapse. He got rid of her becaze he didn’t want her, and that’s a good reason.” Here a countryman, whose face and hands were both remarkable for an excessive predis- position. to dirt, rose, taking off his hat (which he had kept on during the whole proceedings), growled forth something after the style of a bass-drum with one head out— ‘‘T’m a-going hum—the cows have got to be fed—the hogs have got to be milk’d—and I ex- pect that infernal shoat has got a-fighting the brindle dog. I’m going hum—I am! |! !” The immortal Joggles once more assumed a perpendicular position, and made a few re- marks, premising the aforesaid remarks witha highly interesting display of physical strength upon the body corporate of an excessively small, and exceedingly weak juvenile, whom he gathered into a sort of a bundle, by seizing him by the scruff of the neck and the rear of his inexpressibles, and violently slammed him into the stomach of an elderly fat gentle- man, who unfortunately, by his interference, interrupted the boy’s progress to the floor. At this juncture, three or four of the ‘‘ Philistines” (Hanee, Ogleish, and Dan, in particular) contributed toward the excitement of the preceedings, by patriotic shouting— 21 ‘*Hurra for Napoleon and Keeler!” accom- panying the enthusiastic outbreak by forcibly propelling through the air an empty salt bar- rel, with both heads out, which fe 1 immedi- ately in front of the old lady on the front bench. Crash came the barrel upon the floor —the staves flew asunder, one of them salut- ing the old lady by a slight tap on the side of her venerable chops. At this time Mr. Samuel Keeler, the “ orator of the evening,’”’ became rather wrothy, and he violently shook to and fro the immense bag of flesh. All at once, the old lady on the front bench began to sneeze and cough immoderate- ly—so did her neighbors, and finally, the ‘‘ep- idemic” reached Keeler; in fact’ there was one general scene of coughing and sneezing—the se- cret of which was,a quantity of red pepper having been sprinkled upon the heated stove, causing the ‘‘immense crowd” to give one rush toward the door. Nothing, for a short time, was observable except a confused mags of heads, arms and legs, and crushed hats, making a sort of cannibalistic hash of humanity, Joggles & Co. added hugely to the diversity of the scene, by yelling, roaring, screeching, whistling, cat- calling and crowing, with an occasional out- burst of ‘* Hurra for Napoleon and Keeler!’’ Joggles & Co. felt gloriously edified. ** Do yousee that, boys?’ asked the sagacious- looking Sam Keeler, on the following morning, throwing down a ten-dollar gold piece into a chair, as Ogleish and Joggles walked in, arm- in-arm. Both made a reply. “Now Dll give that willingly, just for te know who throwed red pepper onto that hot stove;” and Samuel Keeler appeared to be in earnest. ‘Rather excited, it seems, this morning, uncle?” ‘Yes, and I’m able to be; and who would- n’t be killing mad? Joggles, did you have a hand in that ’ere job?’ and he comically cocked up his eye. ‘Qh, no, uncle, I had nothing to do with the mischief-making move,” ‘*Nor I, uncle,” added Ogleish. ' “Wal, Pll give twenty dollars, finally, to know the chap what cut up that dido, Why, boys, I thought I’'d cough to death, Why it fairly gagged me.” ‘*T noticed it agitated the little old lady who occupied the front bench,” observed Joggles, with an arch smile, ‘Wal, one thing is sartin, ’ve made my last speech in public,” exclaimed Keeler. ‘ Ive been ma’e a fool of long and often eneugh— yes, I have. Say, how did you like the points of my argument, boys?” ‘**Oh, capital,” answered Ogleish. ‘Yes, I had just become infatuated, when the ‘red pepper scene’ occurred,” observed Joggles; and when he said this, it was as much ashe could possibly do to keep from laugh- ing. “Powerful, wasn’t it, eh?’ ‘* Quite so, uncle.” “‘ Hard argument to quash, eh?’ and he gave Ogleish a dig in the ribs, Very,” was the laconic reply. ‘*If I hadn’t been interrupted,'I should have given woman jits—Napoleon, more justice than he has ever received from a public vrator—and the Bible I would have explained in plain style, and, as I think, in a satisfactory man- ner.” ‘“‘ Undoubtedly,” sprunted up Joggles. “But I must know about that red pepper fix- ings, for it made me mad—very mad;” and Sam began to feel excited. Undoubtedly, Joggles & Co. knew the per- petrators, yet they were cunning enough to keep it a secret. The clique was up to all manner of innocent deviltry, always ready to carry out the plan of any ervnyin asly and scientific manner, Suffice it to say, the great Sam Keeler never heard the last about the “‘red pepper scene.” He continued on to offer a reward of twenty dollars, to gain a certain kind of information, whereby he might be able to return a good substitute for the arti- cle of red pepper. LIBER XV, THE members of the “ Philistine Society ” voted to award a gold medal, (the particulars were given at the time) to the member of said clique who could tell the best story, of‘ yarn,’ Gomichoo <S} (E(0)