Beadle's New York Dime Library No. 32 — page 20: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

a I 20 be cut from his chin and throat, ‘it would weigh thirty-five pounds.” Perhaps he got the weight a little too mighty, Joggles used to get him vexed quite often by his low blackguardism, such as asking why he did not go from city to city, and exhibit him- self as the man who carried his food under his chin—his daily sustenance; then the mischiev- ous fellow would ask, in wonderment, what Keeler would do if one of his mammoth chaws of tobacco—and they averaged almost a half- plug (eight to the pound)—should happen to slip beyond his mouth, down into the pit of the interior of this pouch of extra outside flesh. This would cause Uncle Sam to get a little riled, but he dared not reprimand Joggles, for he would only go onthe more. Jog. used to catch hold of the bag of flesh, giving it a shake, and playing the deuce with the old gentleman —for he was the old man’s pet. Keeler had not only a large, but a very long nose; in fact, his proboscis was of great growth. One of the main reasons why he loved Napo- leon at such a rate, was because Bonaparte de- clared: ‘‘ Give me the man who has a big nose.” Keeler used to dote and extend largely on this sentiment, adding, ‘‘it was grand, sensible and knowing, in Napoleon, to choose men with big noses;’ and the old fellow would strut largely when repeating it. “Give me my pipe and tobacco, boys,” he would say, ‘‘my Bible, and the book what’s got the glorious life of Napoleon in it, and then I’m happy. I don’t want any better company.” ‘* Except the company of the women,” in- terposed Joggles, one evening, while the covey sat in his easy-chair, discussing the merits and demerits of matters and things in general. ** Darn the women, I say,” ejaculated ‘ Fat- ty.” *‘Oh, no, Uncle Sam, not so bad as that— for you know you love the ladies—” And this was enough to get the old man fairly started, as he actually seemed to hate womankind in general, Joggles always made iv a practice, whenever he had a crowd with him, to touch upon the subject of women and marriage, just to get Keeler’s disposition up toa high pitch. This would always please the crowd of listen- ers, for the attitudes in which the old fellow would throw himself—the rush of blood to the head, causing his face and the bag of flesh to turn as red as an onion—made it a ludicrous scene. Joggles used to inform his friends why Kee- ler evinced such open, barefaced hatred to wo- mankind in general—‘‘ because he was crossed in love in his young days;” to which assertion Sam invariably exclaimed: ** Yes, that’s a fact, and no mistake into it!” Neither Jack Falstaff’s attitudes or rotundity equaled the display made by the venerable ‘“* blower.” As he was constantly ‘“‘ gassing’’ about his “three great subjects ””—‘‘ Woman—Napoleon —the Bible ”’—the members of the ‘‘ Philistine Society’ invited him very politely to deliver an address on the three above-named subjects —the same to come off on a cold November evening, after the said clique had partaken of the luxuries of a “‘ good, old-fashioned oyster- supper” such as “ Fatty ” always prepared for his friends. He shook his head, as much as to signify, ‘no you don’t;” but Joggles, Ogleish, Hance, Tim, Roarer, and the rest of the ‘‘ chum-dev- ils’”’ of that renowned “ Philistine Society,” begged, besought, teased, fairly tantalized him in so many ways, that a ‘*‘ back out” was to- tally out of the question. “Yes, Uncle Sam, come, show yourself a man; come out, and spread yourself; give us an oration on the three great subjects, ‘the Bible, Woman, and Napoleon,’ the middle one in particular;” teased Joggles, as he stood with his crowd about him, ‘‘Oh, go away, all of you, and don’t confuse my ideas;’ but he was battled upon all sides. ‘‘Uncle,”’ said the cunning Ogleish, in a seri- ous tone, ‘‘ you are a man who has seen much of the experiences of life. Even the gray hairs of your head prove it. Your intellectual fac- ulties are large, and your bump of comprehen- sion likewise. We would be pleased to hear you deliver a lecture upon three subjects, of which you have read and discoursed for years and years. I, for one, feel fully assured that you are the man to do ample justice to such a task. Now, you have sufficient confidence to address us extemporaneously— ’ Beadle’s Dime Library. “Oh, no, I ain't, for I would conflummix my ideasall up in a mess, perhaps excite my- self so much as to choke to death on the strength of it,” interrupted Old Sam, with much vehemence. ‘ihe boys saw that they had him under their thumb, or, to use a more mode:in expression, on the string; so they poured ‘‘fl.t-iron tales” into bis ears, until they almost set him crazy. ‘We will have all New Haven after you, even sucking babies, and nervous old maids,” observed Joggles, “if you will but agree to go into some public hall and spout the feelings of your heart in regard to the three great sub- jects—”’ “Yes, all the inhabitants at large,”’ rejoined Ogleish. ‘Uncle, we will have it advertised in the papers, paraded about the streets in high-let- tered posters, have every minister in town read the notice of the lecture, and we wi!l pay the expenses. It is in you, and no man is more able to do the thing up brown than Sam- uel Keeler, Esq. What do you say, sir?’ asked the ‘‘immortal Joggles,” with a pomp- ous air, . ‘“Wal, I say get eout with your soft-soaping —that’s what I say,” and he gave the bag of flesh another mighty shake with his thumb and finger. ‘‘ But only think what a breeze you might raise, Uncle Sam—”’ “*Oh, stop, Joggles, and don’t tease me so.”’ *Unele, I feel very much interested, and I say you must be harnessed into the traces.”’ “Well, I guess I won’t do anything of the kind, come, now, so what’s the use to tease, tease, tease,” and again the bag of flesh. re- ceived another excitable shake. ‘But, uncle, my dear fellow, we can make lots of ‘ pin-money’ out of the speculation—’’. ‘Yes, we can, all of that,” added Ogleish. ‘‘Oh, several hundred dollars,” rejoined Steve. ‘There, there, that will do; stop, all of you, for you talk like a pack of cussed fools, you do —Tll be kicked if you don’t,’’ and the old chap sprung from the easy-chair, whirled around upon his pegs, and began to walk the floor, causing the whole building toshake from the center to its foundation. ‘‘ Look a-here, Joggles, you imp, you, do you and the rest of ‘your hounds want to put me up for a show? Is this the game you fellows are driving at?” ‘*Don’t get excited, Uncle Sam,” muttered Joggles. **No, no,” said Dan, ** Just you set yourself down, and I will give you my views of the case, ‘in extenso,’ will you?” “No, Joggles, I can’t sit down, for you fel- lows have made me awful nervous.” As he made this remark, the crowd of ‘Philistines laughed merrily. They had made him excitable. ‘* How do you intend to make this money?” he asked with force. “By asking twenty-five cents admittance,” cried Joggles, “And children at half price,” quickly ob- served Ogleish, ** Look a-here, now, is that for argument or insult?” yelled Keeler. All laughed at his nervous question. “Why, gentle:nen,’’ roared out Joggles, “Uncle Sam would draw better than any cara- van or traveling show company ever could boast of in this religious city. The fact is, we would want two or three halls to hold the vast concourse of people.”’ “Yes, sir,’ interrupted Dan, with a nod of assurance, “Go on, go on; that’s it—blow away—blow ahead,” exclaimed the old man, as he stopped pacing the floor, raising both hands furiously. The scene was a jovial one. Joggles & Co, were in their glory. The boys teased him for a full hour after the enactment of the above several scenes, Keeler became so exasperated as to swear like a pirate, but this pleased them the more. At last he promised to sing ‘‘ Betsy Baker” and treat if they would agree to adjourn the dis- cussion. Finding they could make no capital out of “‘ Fatty,” they so agreed. It was a ludicrous sight to see and hear Old Sam whistle ‘‘ Hail Columbia,” especially the parts when obliged to swing to and fro the massive bag of flesh in order to give his “‘ extra variations” their full sound. We have often wished that Dickens could see this specimen of the genus homo, for he is the only writer (in our Opinion) who could portray this eccentric old gent’s oddities, unless we except Harring- ton, the renowned ‘Tobias Tottlejob,” who is destined to become the ‘‘ Dickens of America.” Keeler is an original throughout—full of all kinds of eccentricities. He is a comical-look- ing ‘‘old cove,” when seated at the dinner-ta- ble, and we shall never forget the time when we beheld him eating buge apple-dumblings of his own make, which vanished, not as man’s food generally disappears, but were rushed into his mouth in huge chunks, by muscular force, like logs pitching cver a cataract of the Ganges. He snored like the distant rumble of chain-lightning playing ten-pins among the clouds. Time passed on, and at last a trick was played on the reaowned Keeler that worked admirably. Joggles & Co. visited a certain villago situ- ated on the outskirts of New Faven, where they entered into an engagement with some of the ‘oldest inhabitants” to invite Samuel Keeler, Esquire, to deliver a lecture on his three notorious subjects, in the building known as the ‘fold red school-house.” The invite was extended, and having been strongly “backed up,” it was accepted; for the old man was rather of an ambitious nature, saying nothing about his egotism. The move was so finely put into execution that Keeler gave due infor- mation to Joggles & Co, of his intended lec- ture. ‘‘Glad to hear of your acceptance, Uncle Sam,” said Joggles, patting him on his shoul- der with his hand. “Wal, they are all my old friends out thar, and I’d feel more at home than I would here in the city, for I used to spout politics quite largely in them ’ere parts, when I was in the field. If old Joe Crumble, Ned Wishrap, and Sim Gouger hadn’t 'ere invited me, I wouldn’t have gone, nohow; but seeing as how they put their names right down on the ‘letter of invite,’ I shall appoint a night, some time next week, and just go out thar, and give my opinion to ’em in full length common meter—’cause how, they are old cronies of mine.” Have you the ‘letter of invite’ with you?” interrupted Joggles, giving his chums a sly wink, “Yes, I stuck it away in among the leaves of my old moroceo-bound Bible; but Vil give you a peep at it.” And “ Fatty ” brought forth the document. “Now, then, boys, just keep easy, and T’ll read the contents to you,” said Uncle Sam, as he strutted about the room with the letter in hand. It was as much as Joggles & Co, could do to refrain from laughing in the old man’s face; and, doubtless, it was well Keeler was ignorant of one fact—that these very “college devils ” were at the bottom of the whole transaction, having gained permission to use the names of “Joe Crumble, Ned Wishrap, and Sim Gou- ger”—three very respectable farmers, who seemed to have a good deal to say about things to be done, and things remaining undone, in their part of the country. It was evident that there was fun ahead. ‘Now, I'll read the letter, and I think a good deal of it, ’cause how, the men what signed and sent it are nice old friends of mine ; and, ob, what lots of eggs and butter I’ve bought of ’emin my days. They are old customers of mine, and, and—” “Come, come, Uncle Sam, go ahead, and let us hear the letter,’ interposed Ogleish, After he had read the “invite” in his import- ant way, inquiries were made as to the time and date. **T’ve sent ’em word that I’ll be out among ‘era On next Tuesday night,” was Keeler’s re- ply; “‘and I intend to blow off thar as I used to training days and ‘lection times, for they all know me round them diggings.” ** $’pose you'll write out your address?” said Joggles, in a mischievous way. ‘No, sir; there you mistake my intellectual faculties, for I always spout right from the heart, and that too without any notes at all, I’m off hand, right ahead; and I don’t know but what I may be called an ’ratic genius of the old school.” ** Erratic, you doubtless mean?” interrogated Og'eish. ‘Yes, that’s the idea, and the way I'll give ’em my openly avowed opinions of ‘ Napoleon, Woman, and the Bible,’ will astonish all hands Gom VOIOKS