Beadle's New York Dime Library No. 32 — page 19: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

8. HOME PROTECTIVE SYSTEM—Joss, Music—*' Home, Sweet Home.” This ‘‘ Joe” will suddenly disappear with a pun on bis lips. It will be found essential to eye him closely. DirGe SoLto—Junior Baggs. This will be so low that you can’t hear it. 9. COLLOQU Y—Mourrin Jones, NED SPOON- ER, JERRY HincH. (Decimi buscabilis.) ‘** Brandy for three.” 10. ESSA Y—HIPPOPOTAMUS—DUCK-EE. This remarkable Freshman will speak of the Ichthyosaurus, while explaining “dat other ‘hanimal.’” As he professes to know all about snorts of porpoises, teeth of crocodiles, heads of lizards, tongues of ornithorhynchuss, to- gether with the three animal kingdoms—he will base all his knowledge on common snakes, ‘‘ Not those that in Illyria changed \Hermione or Cadmus, or the God In Epidaurus; nor to which transform’d Ammonian Jove, or Capitoline, was seen,” 11. PHILOSOPHICAL ORATION-—-Bioopy. Music—I dress Myself from Top to Toe, &c. 12. HOME INFLUENCE—SPILER. *“There’s the mill that ground our yellow grain, Pond and river still serenely flowing; Cot, there nestling in the shaded lane, There’s the gate on which I used to swing, With Mary Jane!” 18. UNPARALLELED DISCOUNT OF THE ENGLISH CURRENCY—Youne@ NEEMs, On this spendthrift occasion, it is said that young Neems will recite the tables of ‘‘ pounds, shillings, and pence,” and dwell at length on their respective values and uses. But the au- dience will bear in mind that, as in the table, so in the speech, no sense (cents) will be made use of, 14, VISIBLE TEETH AN INDICATION OF GENIUS—Fox. And is it so, that now I am a Junior, I, who have just escaped the apron-strings? Oh Dignity! now art thou here personified, And in thy full embodiment. It must be so, that each particular grace Doth, in completest harmony, Meet in my graceful form, and handsome face, Music—Luett on the Jaw-bones—By the Crowd. This will end the First Part. After “grub,” the performance will ‘‘ begin again.” Several of the students are to be held in confinement, lest they get tight. AFTERNOON EXERCISES, Durt—“ We will now pick our teeth.” 15. PETTICOAT GOVERNMENT—Maxey, Mvusic—Tune: ‘‘ Oh, I’m too old to Sleep with Ma.” 16. NIGHT-ERRANTRY BY MOONLIGHT —FREsH. LEVI. My soul’s palace has become a prison Through which the rays of those fond eyes Dart ‘thrillin ly. Then varied light, full orbed and radiant, Paints up the darkened chambers of my soul, And thus thou art to me a brilliant vision. SHAKSPEARE IMPROVED, Musio—“ We went out one night,” (and oftener too! !) 17. COLLOQUY—Tom PemBer, NED SLACER, Rure Smite. (Diratilis capitibus.) ‘*Gin and sugar for one— Brandy water for two,” Music—“ Here’s to the good old times.” 18, BSSAY—HYDROPATHY—Cu#UvCELES, Oh! how refreshed I feel, Through the whole Hire ore co : Let Sophs, and Juniors poll a7, Along their weary way; I'll take a shower-bath at noon, And so be fresh all day; I'll keep refreshed from year to year As long as I stay. Music—Opera of ‘‘ Robert le Diable.” MOUSTACHES—AN INDICATION OF MANLINESS—Bos Boxrty MELLS. A Freshman is a Freshman still, Though he may splurge and cut great swells; Then, oh! then, remember well, ‘Pride must be pinched,” Bob Boxey Mells, 20, ARISTOCRATIC NOTIONS—JUNIOR BLIx. e A fool I am, and a fool Pll be— No book can make me better, I’ve learned to read, to dance and spree, ‘Bei cannot write a letter.” 19, B’hoys of Yale. 21, FASHION—(see advertisement)—Kit Boo, Music—‘ Beau of Baltimore.” 22. ESSAY—“ What’s your grade ?”—NEw JERSEY JIM. Music—'' T’will never do to give it up so, Mr. Brown.” SELECT SPEECH—(EXcusED ON ACc- COUNT OF INFANCY.) Music —‘** What would Uncle Gabriel have said—if he’d spoken.” 24. DIGNITY OF SALUTATION—(How are you fellows ? what will you drink ?)— NEW YORK JOE. INFLEXIBILITY OF OPINION— Lem. BRACE. Lem, will endeavor to do justice to this stretching subject; and he is capable of doing it, for when he opens his big mouth, it will put one in mind of Boston Harbor, Mr. India Rubber stands nowhwr aside of Brace, Look out for Lem. Musio— Saw my leg right off.” 26. THE JUNIOR RIGHTS—Peprer. ‘Oh! how rejoiced I feel that my kind kin Did interpose his high pes And with a voice more potent than his rash subscrip- tio Told me to do the writing— So on my honor, and my honors, are both unsul- e 3? : 23. 25, 27. DECAY OF MIND—LITTLE Sam, No scepter have I ever swayed, My mind, alas! has fast decayed; Lonce took honors as well as any, But now I am behind Radany. 28, CONTINENTALS—(Excusep ON aAc- COUNT OF OLD AGE.) 29, INCREASE OF CAPITAL—Count BROWN. Now I’ve more head than all the rest, And can’t see why I’m not the best; I'll do all I can, and can no more, And hope that [ll not prove a bore, Music—Solo, on the Bagpipe, by—Hupp Es. It has been thought best that Huddles should remain invisible during his performance. VALEDICTORY {as is a Valedictory)—By OGLEISH. REMARKS, The names of the following persons will not appear, for particular reasons. Bill Bowley —excused, because he is too infernal crooked and contrary to stand alone on the stage. Jack Blarche—too sleepy and lazy to write a speech; would want to gape every two minutes during the delivery. Messrs. Carver, Echoen and Covein—excused because the Faculty were absolutely ashamed to allow such poor speeches as these to be deliv- ered in public. It is said that they intended to slope two days before. Messrs. Bills and Peters—knowing them- selves to be in a fair way of being fairly over- hauled, have agreed to furnish a “certain se- cret society” with cigarsand meerschaums dur- ing the winter session. Pete. Blonz—because he has given his class four dollars to pass him by. He can’t be ex- cused, however, for treating the audience on his favorite instrument—the bagpipe. Joe, Champ—for four dollars and nineteen cents—the combined profit of room and books. Lem, Phix—for beseeching, on his knees, our humble selves to have mercy on his ignorance —and for the paying of his coal money. Messrs. Sickles, Bung and Junior Moore—on account of bad breath. Messrs. Blaze and Coggcobb—rejected, being too impertinent to be noticed in any connection whatever. P. S.—“ The Philistine Society ” declines all ‘the honors”—save the ‘luxuries of the table,” at the President's residence. The mem- bers won’t demand nothing stronger than “brandy and water ’’—but a good deal of that, in case the oceasion calls loudly for “ frequent drinks.” LIBER XIV. Tue interior of the ‘‘big back room,” as it was called in the days of the reign of the ‘“‘ Philistines,” of old Sam Keeler’s edifice, was a museum in itself, Its oak floor was always well sprinkled over with clean, white sand— | dust and cobwebs were always well looked | after; while the walls were variously orna- ‘mon nail kegs. 19 a os mented with numerous handbills, reminiscences of sheriff’s sales, departed caravans, highly colored and badly executed portraits of circus riders, in all manner of impossible attitudes; while here and there, straggling round, through and under this quantity of appendages we have mentioned, could be perceived the inevitabln marks of a disagreement between the founds- tion of the building and mother earth—these aforesaid traces consisting of numerous cracks in the plastering. To learn the young idea how to shcot he had a good many targets (in the shape of spit- toons) placed in various parts of room; for “Fatty” was a very particular person, as it concerned neatness and cleanliness. In the winter time he burned sticks of oak and wal. nut wood, cut eight feet in length, and the back-logs generally averaged the size of com- By the side of this large—yea, mammoth fireplace—in fact, right in front of it— Fatty” would sit himself down in his big easy-chair; and he was so large, so thick-set, as to check the heat from coming out into the room to any agreeable degree. In cold weather he was a nuisance. Old Sam was a devoted lover of Napoleon Bonaparte. It will need no proof when it is here remarked that the picture of that great man hung upon the sides of his renowned room —four poorly executed pictures, poorly framed, and showing the signs of age and withered looks in all manner of ways. ‘‘There’s a man as was a man!” was Keeler’s great expression, whenever his eyes rested upon either of the pictures; for he considered Napoleon in the same light as a horse-jockey does his favorite nag—as being some on a long heat. There were other cheap pictures hanging about the sides of the room—pictures of Wash- ington, Franklin, Perry’s Victories on Lake Erie, the Battle of Lexington, General Jack- son, and various others. Keeler had a good deal to say about ‘“‘Old Hickory,’ especially the scene that occurred between “I and the General,” once upon a time, when Sam bolted on to Washington to ‘ catch a peep at him,” hoping to become more inspired in the true teachings of “‘ Jackson’s principles,” whereupon the general invited Sam to “take a smoke” with him, because he presented him an elegant hickory cane. It is supposed that he has told this circumstance for the ten-thousandth time, and still glories in repeating it daily and night- ly. He declares that when he felt ‘‘ kinder seri- ously” he always made it a practice to pray on retiring to his couch—and he always remem- bered to ‘put in a word for the future glorifi- cation of Napoleon Bonaparte and General Jackson,” and this he would tell in as grave a manner as an old woman would a ghost story at the midnight hour. He used to say to the College boys: “T can’t help it, boys, and you shouldn’t laugh, nor consider Keeler as committing a wicked deed, when I say, that I oftentimes pray on going to bed. Every man has his own follies, peculiarities, whimsicalities, nervous twitchings, ups and downs—and [I for one, am pestered with all such kind of bad feelings. Sometimes I cry like a child, for I fear I'll choke to death one of these nights, when asleep; as I get to dreaming so awfully, and I general- ly imagine myself looking on one of Napoleon's battle-fields—and then I jump out of a fast sleep, breathing very short, excitable as a mad bull, tearing sometimes, sheets, bed-quilts, pil- low-cases, and my shirt, I tell you how it is,” continued ‘‘ Fatty,” “this monstrous bag of extra flesh what hangs down under my chin and throat so alarmingly, worries me almost to the eve of death itself. My dreams are generally like a woman in bad temper—all out of sorts.” It used to be exceedingly amusing to hear the old covey explain his symptoms—get into a state of high hysterical excitement—when he invariably took hold of the extra bag of flesh about his chin, shaking it back and forth as one would Tuttle’s baby-jumper. It was amus- ing to hear him sing a song—Betsy Baker, in particular—for when he touched upon the chords, he would always be obliged (out of necessity) to take hold with his hand of this monstrous quantity of outside flesh, and twitch it to and fro in such a way as to “turn the tune;” in other words, “‘ get the right pitch,” as he expounded it, in his own language. A more comical sight no man would ask to see. This deformity hurt the old man’s looks. He used to swear that if the bag of flesh could i Ebooks a Sor oe