Beadle's New York Dime Library No. 32 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

14 ee : Beadle’s Dime Library. LIBER IX, IT was very amusing to observe how the stu- dents longed for certain days to come, when the ‘‘ Important Items of the Week ” were due. Predictions went forth—discussions occurred, and even betting followed, concerning the next document of the above nature. And it is true that the inhabitants in general anxiously look- ed for the mysterious papers, as the first seven weekly numbers had made an exciting impres- _ sion. There was a deep and bitter hate against these ‘‘Items” among the Juniors and Fresh- men—more so than between the Seniors and Sophomores, 4s the two former class were represented in propria persona in so many ridiculous and re :ognizable cimracters and po- sitions, as to excite jealousy among the ‘* out- siders,” who looked for the ‘‘ weekly postbills ” with as much anxiety as the Collegians them- selves, — : We have already given extracts from the ‘‘Ttems” which appeared from time to time, both for the purpose of exemplifying the latest talent contained in the ‘‘ Philistine Society,” and the power that may be exercised, and the interest created, from a series of hits in one direction, coming from an unknown quarter. When the following “lines” appeared, they created quite a furore among the “classics.” The ‘‘knowing ones” were well aware who would take them home. But read them; LINES, Respectfully dedicated to Dullane. Meridianis partibus, Adventavit asinus; Deformis et tardissimus, P Juniori aptissimus. ’ Eece magnis anribus! Ungulis ingentibus! us egregius! Asinorum dominus! Stultitia vincit omnes, ~ Socios et fratres; Stupefecit semper pained, Preestitit longe matres. Age, rude, asine! Satur ebrietate Rude, dico, rude! Excellentias exhibe! Right after this, the following remarks were made;— ‘‘ As the Faculty demanded of every Junivur - an Essay, to be written and handed in at a cer- tain time, we learn that the entire class have labored hardin preparing their compositions —seven students in particular. The young man who is becoming ‘bald-headed’ at the early and interesting age of nineteen, has dis- covered the reason why, of late, the said bald- ness has increased so rapidly —because he was at a loss for classic ideas, while preparing his essay, and so he very frequently (and it is na- tural) scratched his head, striving to obtain them, or at least to ‘wake ’em up’ by so do- ing. i Now to show how far this Junior succeed- ed, we take the unwarrantable liberty of pre- senting our ‘standing readers’ with an extract from his masterly composition. It is expected that the Faculty will be taken by surprise. How we received this isnobody’s business, and we hope nobody will ask the question—save this Junior, the author of the said extract. It is evident that a deal of ‘scratching’ was es- seatial, when we whisper the naine of the sub- ject into which he throws his soul, Read it slowly, for instruction:— ‘‘¢ The Hippopotamus is an aquatic, non ru- minating quadrupedal, pachydermatous mam- mal, whose appellation is derived from hippus horse, and potamo:, river; the primary and grammatical signification of which is a horse- river. His occiput is of a cubical form; his or- gans of vision are exceedingly diminutive in magnitude; the only capillary substance which vegetates on his corporeal system are a few filaments issuing from the utmost extremity of his abbreviated caudal appendage; and, not to mention the innumerable other peculiarities of his physical nature, his organ of odorifer- ousness is totally destitute of the horny pro- tuberance which characterizes his bosom friend and constant companion, the Rhinoceros. This pachydermatous mammal being, asi expressed in a more elevated position, (i. ¢. above), an amphibious creature, enjoys the most excellent felicitousness, whilst submerged beneath that liquid fluid which circumambulates the surface a eS en wee of the terraqueous oblate spheroid which is the abode of Adam’s posterity.’” This occasioned a deal of talk and merriment among the students at large, and in lvss than twelve hours after its appearance, two-thirds of the Collegians were striving to repeat it. It was reported that several of the Professors laughed heartily over its construction—Brown in particular, who took the liberty of reading it to his wife (‘dear Mrs. Brown”) no less than three times before breakfast. ‘Old Sam Keeler” undertook to read it, but backed out, fearing that he would ‘choke to death ” if he undertook to complete the critical task. Ogile- ish commenced then, but “‘Uncle Sam” ad- vised him “to take a long breath” before he started. The Junior Class became quite rebellious —at at leastcertain members. This ‘‘ Essay,” attri- buted to them, or at least one of their Class, was a ‘‘killer” to the entire clique. In other words,it was asure feeler.” The victim received the appellation of ‘‘Scratcher,” and ever after that euphonious title was given him, Some declared that in writing his essay, it nearly upset his equilibrium long before he had com- pleted it. He strove to gain a membership of the ‘‘ Philistine Society,” but it was ‘‘ no go,” as it was impossible to find out any one to in- troduce him, or give him any information about the secret order above named. Before the excitement and indignation had finally died away, one of the Professors, who had “blown ” a little too much respecting the ** Philistines,” received a seVere “‘ blow” from some one! Ashe was subject to the “ night- mare,” the reader will observe how his mind wandered abroad while under the influence of Morpheus. The following ‘‘ dream” caused much laughter and ridicule among the social circles in which the gentleman moved as a magnet : “For the edification of ‘all hands, and the cook,’ we give below the last ‘exploring expe- dition’ of Professor ’s wavering cranium. It has been hastily put together, yet it is read- able, ‘ ** Professor will find it to his great ad- vantage, hereafter, to mind his own affairs, and not meddle with those concerning the ‘Philistine Society.’ Should he see fit to un- dertake to ‘find out everything,’ as he has al- ready declared, we say to him, ‘Go on, and see how far your discoveries will extend.’ We think that you will have to try for some time. But now for— PROFESSOR ——’S DREAM. I, In slumbers at ht Professor —— lay, His bedstead ed loud at each turn that he made; But worn out with trying, his cares flew away, And he turned to ginia, where once he played. I. He dreamt of his wife, and his dear children, three, The loved ones that waited his happy return; Through the wide open doors he looks, brimful of lee, And bekolds the dear cause of his care and con- cern, INT, O’er Zachariah he bends with looks of delight. Nebuchadnezzar is wet with his father’s warm tear; And the lips of our hero in a sweet kiss unite, With those of young Abraham, whom his bosom holds dear. IV, What sound now calls back his wild, truant thoughts, And opens full wide his wondering eye? ln the entry just near, on the loud-sounding floor— *Tis the unsteady step of some late passer-by. Vv He springs from his bedstead! he flies to the door! Expecting to find his dear wife— Alice; But turns back sorrowful and sad once more To the mournful reality—he’s standing on ice / ‘* As acertain Freshman has taken it upon him to ‘lay himself out,’ on several occasions —especially in ‘love matters’ (while he is but a boy /)—we think that a slight dose of satire will help him, Perhaps, after he has read this, or some of his friends have read it for him, he will take—it upon himself to denounce the ‘ Philistines’ no more—in fact, to be a man, and not a fool, as he has played tho boy long enough. These few lines are quite interesting: A boy, well known to college prate, As being hindmost of a Freshman class; Endowed with such a mind by cruel fate, As to obtain the epithet—an ass! Oh! ye celestial Muses! can you tell at strange fear unarmed the lad? Surely some demon round him threw a spell, For Forman’s witch they say did run him mad, Now, oh! Diana/ forth from Olympus run, Arrayed in all thy queen-like splendor; Hold in thy sweet emb®ice this foolish one, Aud drive *way fear by love so tender. Quoth he: “‘ By some sweet lady’s side, Having led her forth to tread a measure, I’ve waltzed—I've danced till eventide, Excelling all in graceful pleasure.”’ Lunatics, I've heard them say, Are oft possessed with some queer notions, But never till this luckless day: Have I heard man boast of clumsy motions, A boxer, too, of skill divine, He wears a dagger by his side, And everything of cowardly sign He possesses—nor attempts to hide. LIBER X. As the renowned and independent Joggles had taken it upon himself, at divers times and on divers occasions, to display publicly some of the beauties of ‘getting tight,” several of the leading and influential members of the ‘¢ Philistine Society ” had come to a conclusion to expel him from the said circle, for the sim- ple reason that they considered him no orna- ment to the Society. His past actions were the sole reasons for such a move. Ata full meeting of the “ Philistines,” Og- leish, in a very grave manner, obtained the floor, and at once, in the same grave tone, opened his battery upon the unfortunate young man. ‘* Mr. President,” said he, ‘‘ before adjourn- ing, allow me to say that it becomes my duty, delicate as it may be considered, to cast some reflections upon the general character of one of the members of the ‘ Philistine Society.’ But I regret, sir, that such is my duty; yet, nevertheless, the defendant has one great satis- faction to give in return—a personal explana- tion.” ** Who does the gentleman refer to?’ inter- rupted She-cargo, with much earnestness. Ogleish still stood erect, but he made no reply. “Yes, that’s the question,” added Bouncer, of New York, who in turn acted as though he was the victim. “Give us the charges, sir,” cried out Johnson, of Delaware. “Order, gentlemen,” shouted the President. ‘Who are these charges alleged against?’ still demanded the Delawarian. ‘‘Mr. President, have 1 the floor?’ asked Ogleish, ina serious way. ‘You have sir; please to proceed,” was the response, ‘* Sir, it is with a feeling of great hesitation that I pronounce the conduct and actions of Joggles, who seems to have fallen into the Channels of intemperance, as disgraceful to our Society; and I regret that I am the chosen one, whose duty it is to ask, in plain terms, that the said member be expelled.” As Ogleish took his seat, some eight or mora members sprung up and demanded to be heard. Steve, of Virginia, happened to gain the floor first. He said: “Mr. President, in seconding the motion, the defendant is well aware that I do it out of no ill-feeling toward him, but hoping that it may benefit him in the end, and more especi- ally, our Society. ‘*My friend, Joggles, is well aware why I second the motion. Our last conversation upon the subject now under consideration, assures me that the gentleman understands the purport of the move. Although we are wisely told that each one has his fate already decided by nature when he is born, I do not believe that his mother ever gave him birth to become a devoted follower of Bacchus—in the end, a fallen victim to the intoxicating cup. No— far from it; yet the whimsicality of the hu- man heart, oftentimes, causes me to say—‘ap- pearances are against him—that everybody loves my friend—that he is known to be a bril- liant scholar, and a right-up-and-down A No. 1 knd of a fellow, is a living fact; yet the members of this Society—throwing overboard the Faculty and the public in general—know full well the dangers which surround him, and of an early grave that awaits him, should he still cling to the charming, yet fatal embraces of the god Bacchus. ButIam glad that Jog- gles is here to speak for himself.” MIGIOO (EO) Cc SS (ECO)