The Argosy, June 1904 — page 84: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

570 “JT hatched a pretense to visit the upper floor, which wax used as a lab- oratory, and I found out what it was that had dripped from the pipe into my bottle. I grew enthusiastic—I grew ex- travagant; I bought still another bottle of that rheumatic remedy, and with it I mixed a generous proportion of the in- eredient which I had accidentally dis- covered. “T fed old Jim on it for a week, and at the end of that time he was just like a colt that has been on grass all summer -—his fingers straightened out, and he capered around like a boy. Before that, he had always called me ‘ Captain’; sud- denly he raised me in rank to ‘ Colonel,’ and told me that I reminded him of * his old marster, ol’’ Jedge Bledsoe, down in good ol Kaintucky, yessir’ That was the highest compliment Jim could pay to any man. “But, gentlemen, when I went up into that dark and dingy laboratory— right then and there—Rumble’s Rheu- matic Remedy was born—and from out of that darkness a bright star of hope was arising for those who had suffered and despaired.” Kumble wrote the circulars for his company, and although in this instance he had ascended to figurative language, he had not by any means reached the heights which he had attained in his literary-commercial productions. They were gems admittedly. Around them he had thrown the mys- ticism of far-off Africa (as hinted by the thin man), and as a means for discover- ing the root of which the compound was supposed to be made, he had woven in a touching love story concerning the princess of some unexplored section of the continent, and an explorer who had become lost and had wandered to her domain. It was said that old maids who read the story bought a bottle of the medi- cine whether thev had the rheumatism or not. But sentiment, outside of circulars, was wasted, so Rumble continued: “ Of course I gave up all idea of en- tering suit for a paltry hundred dollars. Instead, early one morning I went to the office of Simpkins—he was the pres- ident of the company that made the PRODUCED BY UNZ.ORG econniclooalks ELECTRONIC REPRODUCTION PROHIBITED THE ARGOSY. medicine; I got to him at last through an army of office boys and clerks, and opened fire without delay. + LT used one bottle of your medicine,’ I told him, ‘ and it cured me.’ ‘T expected that he would show some emotion—might possibly fall on my breast, or at least grasp me warmly by the hand. | Nothing of the kind. He merely looked me over with a fishy eye and said: “*The advertising division is on the top floor; you should go there.’ “< But I tell you it cured me, I re- sponded. He did seem a little surprised at this, but merely repeated his former directions and called an office boy to show me the way. “Now, a hint to Rumble is enough. I had often wondered how these fellows got their testimonials—and I thought that I had found out. “Simpkins didn’t believe I had been cured—at least, he didn’t care whether Thad been or not; he thought simply that T had come in to sell him a testimonial. Of course I hadn’t gone there with anv such idea—I was out for bigger game— but [ began to see that there might be some money in it for me, and just at that time I needed the money badly to aid me In my main project. “| followed the boy—a grinning kid he was, “bout sixteen—and I soon found out that my surmises were correct. “<< They'll give you twenty-five bucks,’ the kid said, as we labored up the stair- way together. “JY inquired why prices varicd. “* Why, if yoa had side-burns, and some sort o’ uniform—*pleece, you know, or fireman—they’d give you a hunderd. Them’s the best kind— pictures shows up good in de papers.’ “That boy proved to be a second Elijah. I signed a stereotyped testi- monial form, had my picture taken—in the act of throwing away a pair of crutches—and received twenty-five dol- lars. “Guess none of you fellows has ever been as hard up as that, eh? But I had to have the money, and if yow’ll listen a little longer, youll see why. I did it in pursuance of my policy—the ‘ never give up’ policy of Rumble. “What did I do with the five Vx? im 7, CO@ ,