Puck — September 3, 1879 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. PRECOCIOUS PRECAUTION. ProressoR DEErTHINKER’s SON AND HEIR TO PRoFESSOR DEEPTHINKER:—Wot am I adoin’? I’m a firin’ this off. You're a broodin’ too much, an’ | ain’t goin’ to have no loaded pistols round, or else some day you'll be blowin’ yer brains out, and cheatin’ mudder an’ me out of yer life-insurance. AN ODE. SuIRLAND, Alleghany Co., Pa., August 26, 1879. To the Editor of Puck—Dear Sir: Will you please send me a sample copy of Puck ? If you will send me Puck for one year I will contribute something to its columns, Respectfully, H, Exuiot McBrinr. Elliot McBride! H. Elliot McBride! Let us salute you in all your pride! For, so to speak, You're the monarch of cheek, Before whom Audacity’s self is weak. A brass-band’s a baby your brass beside, You nervy young person, H. Elliot McBride. Who are you, anyway, Elliot McBride? Tell us, for we will not be denied, ‘What does that ‘‘H” stand for, Elliot McBride? Say, do you come from the boundless west Say, do you ever.abase your vest ? Does blood in your arteries rise and fall, Or are they filled from a fountain of gall? ‘A fount inexhaustible, hidden some- Where in that land whence drummers come— Dry-goods drummers, that terrible lot, Created as other men are not, Like to the venders of lightning-rods, Awfal scourge of offended gods, Hard dispensation of Providence Where do you come from, tell us, whence? Ah, shall we ask, and naught be replied By so affable a person as Elliot McBride? Will we, you ask us, Elliot McBride, Send you a sample copy—free? We vill respond to you, Elliot McBride: We think there is small probabilitee Of our doing that same, H. Elliot McBride. Ten cents and a stamp’ll Get you that sample, But never a -card carelessly shied, Hz. Elliot McBride! But that isn’t all of you, Elliot McBride! Heliogabalus, Henry, Hal, Hamilcar, Higginson, Hannibal, Hafiz, Hercules, Whatever you please To mean by that non-committal letter That stands in front of your gorgeous name, Were you more specific, 'twould please us better, But then, after all, it is much the same— And whate’er your ‘‘H.” be, Elliot McBride, We but sought your attention to call, When beginning our talk, To the fact that this isn’t all Of you by avery long chalk— Of you by a chalk that is long and wide, H. Elliot McBride. For, Elliot McBride, H. Elliot McBride, You modestly ask that you be supplied With a five-dollar paper for one year. We + May remark, this resembles a strike for a V. And for that amount you will condescend To lend The glow of your genius our pages to fill— You will! Like the place of departed spirits you will! You will like the place where spirits are fried, Elliot McBride, You will like the sea of the sulphur tide, H, Elliot McBride! Elliot McBride! H, Elliot McBride! Permit us to say In a gentle way Soft as the carol of birds that play In the whispering trees on a summer’s day— As soft as the silence of birds that don't— You won't, For, whate’er may betide, Elliot McBride, We must refuse meee To use ¢ divine out-pourings of your muse— A muse unknown; but pecamably snide, Elliot McBride, #, Elliot McBride. NEW DISCOVERIES. Mister Puck— Venerable Young Sir: I have discovered the secret of all popular poetry. It consists in a strict adherence to truth, Facts, my dear boy, and only facts, are what the people want. Nothing trivial or im- aginative will answer this practical age. I therefore send you the following piece of bril- liancy, not a line of which can possibly be dis- puted: FACTS FOR FACTORIES. AN ACROSTIC, Peter Piper may a pepper pick Under the buttonwood tree. Capsicum makes the hair look slick: Kangaroos go on a spree. Here, you will perceive, is solid truth. You may have your doubts about the habits of kan- garoos, but I can assure you that no birds so much addicted to hops as are the kangaroos can easily keep sober. Hops will intoxicate the best regulated-families. I don’t want to be told that kangaroos ain’t birds. I saw one in the Aquarium, where they don’t keep anything but birds and fishes, and a kangaroo can't be a fish, can he? T have also discovered that there is but one brand of five-cent cigars sold in New York. For instance, an honest sign in Fulton Street says: ‘MAKE NO MISTAKE. OuR FIVE-CENT CIGARS ARE THE BEST IN THE WORLD.” An- other equally trustworthy sign, in another quar- ter of the city, says: ‘ Eureka! Tue Best FIVE-CENT CIGARS IN THE WORLD.” Still another sign says: ‘‘Our CaPADURAS ARE THE BEST FIVE-CENT CIGARS IN THE wortp.” Then again I saw a sign as follows: “HAVE YOU EVER TRIED OUR FIVE-CENT CIGARS? THEY ARE THE BEST IN THE worLp.” And again: ‘‘Hoop-La! OuR FIVE-CENT CIGARS ARE THE BEST IN THE WORLD.” In looking around further, I found that all the places where five-cent cigars were sold kept only the best five-cent cigars in the world. I cannot doubt the morality or truthfulness of the owners of these signs, so I am led to con- clude that there is really but one brand of five- cent cigars sold throughout the whole of Mr. Kelly's domain, and that they are the best five- cent cigars in the world. I have also discovered that if you want to borrow sixteen cents of your most intimate friend, in order to pay your fare to Newark, he will run all over the neighborhood to get change for a quarter rather than miss giving you the exact amount you happened to call for. I have discovered that if you want to borrow a thousand dollars of Jones (on a sure thing), he invariably asks you why you don’t try Smith. If you go to Smith, he asks you why you don’t try Jones, . T have discovered that Mr, William Shak- spere’s Prince of Denmark must have been very populous, for the best authorities set him down as a good sized hamlet. (This is quite new. In the hope that these valuable discoveries may be of great benefit to the community, and not from any mercenary motives, believe me, Tam truthfully yours, Cotumsus GotpsmiTH.