Puck — August 20, 1879 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. 375 THE GIRL WHO BANGETH HER HAIR. 'NTIQUE and queer were the clothes he wore, ‘And vinegar-bued was his countenance Like a hater of women he gazed before “At the ground, and constantly shunned your glance. Yet a keen observer was he, unknown. ‘As I waved my hand to a maiden fair, ‘He caught it and croaked in a dissonant tone: «* Young man, beware! Beware of the woman who bangs her hair!” « Unband me, sir!” said I, in a rage, But he raised his eyes so cold and queer, ‘And his dry lips opened and said: “* My age ‘Commands you to hark to my warning here.” (Those strange, hard eyes heid me steadfastly As his finger bonily clawed the air)— “Young man, if you never would be like me, Beware! 4 Beware of the woman who bangs her hair! «« For she charms the fools with a look askance ‘Through a curl in the hair banged over her eye, And smooth is the guile of her countenance, ‘And skilled is the tongue that so well can lie; She murmurs that you are her love alone, ‘While she weighs your worth by the purse you bear; You catch not the treacherous ring of her tone— Beware! Beware! Beware of the woman who bangs her hair! The beautiful tigress is fair to see, Yet you know of the death that her warm breath rings; “The rattlesnake warts you in time to fee; Bat SHE never tells you before she stings. The serpent that hisses before it kills, ‘The cat with the mouse that it seems to spare, Hide not their purpose as sH& who wills Your end—Beware! Beware of the woman who bangs her hair!” “«As warmly she languishes on your breast, You foolishly fancy it thus alway. Can you soothe a haunted heart’s unrest? ‘That ghoul must have a fresh soul each day! Can you, when your newness and purse runs dry, With a world of purses and men compare? Ah, fool, you battle with destiny— Beware! Beware! Beware of the woman who bangs her hair! “« L know! What 1 utter bas come to pass; Though fair without, she is cruel within; She will glide away in the rich, new grass, ‘And cast you off as the snake its skin!” His bony fingers relaxed my wrist, ‘And red was the mark, as he left me there, Pursuing with wondering eyes, and hissed: “ Beware! Beware! Beware of the woman who bangs her hair!” Grarn. HOW A MASTODON'S TOOTH WAS MADE TO FIT A HUMAN JAW. THE RESULT, WITH AN IMPRESSIVE MORAL, HOT day in August, not many years ago, I was seated in a railroad car speeding swiftly towards a certain west- ern city. 1 was on my way to lend my sublime presence to an annual meeting of a national scientific association, At P., a deaf old cynic, who had ridden at my side just long and far enough to nearly con- eal my marrow} ¢vacuated shis position, and Feris immediately: u by a good-look- ing young chap, whom I'soon found to be genial, intelligent, and brimifal of wit. -A. conversation sprang up between us, cards were exchanged, and I was informed that my compahion’s name was Oliver Ooze, and that he:too was on the way to add his’ bulky brain to tah imposing aggregation of scientific intel- lectuali ‘ hh les, 4 rate. specimen which he , desired to ‘exhibit to the pba coperilly interested in’ fossils. a er bag that lay at his feet; He drew forth an enormous lon’s tooth:-Its-weight, he stated, was , over-six pounds, and it was dug.up many years ‘before on his grandfather's farm, » “At this moment a voice, issuing from some *- person inthe next seat behind: us, inquired: “Young man, in the name of all that’s ugly, what do you call that thing?” We turned our heads and examined the que- rist. He was a man of medium size, somewhat advanced in years,and his form was enveloped in an oversuit of drab linen. A closely Biting cap concealed much of his face, but enoug was visible to satisfy us that he was nothing more than an ordinary person, and, perhaps, to judge from his question, an old simpleton. That Oliver Ooze inclined to the latter belief will appear from what follows. He gave mea gentle punch in the ribs, as a hint to keep mum while he attended to the stupid old stuz- seon that was biting at his hook and then re- lied : Pe So you.wish to know what this thing may be, do you? ‘Very well, sir, it will give me leasure to inform you. But, first of all, let me introduce myself and companion. You have doubtless read and heard a great deal of me. I am Professor Hardshell Glyptodon, of the Megatherium University; and my companion here is Professor Drift, of the ‘Tuckertown Temple of Technicalities, and, I must add, the renowned discoverer of those immense fields of castile soap in Saponaceous County, Towa.” “Can it be possible!” exclaimed the stranger. “Yes, sir, it is possible. But to attend to your question. The object that has attracted your attention, my friend, do you know that you never could guess what it really is? What will you say when I inform you that it’s a tooth ?”” * Can it be possible!” exclaimed the stranger. “It is, my friend, it is; but the simple fact of its being a tooth becomes commonplace when you consider the fact that it’s a human tooth,” “Can it be possible!" exclaimed the stranger. “Think of it, my friend, a human tooth as big as a five-quart pail, and weighing over six pounds. Think what massive jaws were neces- sary to support two rows of such teeth; what a gigantic frame to support such jaws and such a skull! Great Cicero! the thought is wonderful, positively startling, sir.” “ Canit be possible!” exclaimed the stranger. “My friend, I’ve half a notion to let you into asecret; to reveal something which not ten persons in the world have the slightest knowl- edge. By Saint Cuspidore, I’ll do it! let the red lightning of my grandfather's displeasure flash as it may; only promise me not to whisper a syllable concerning it tp a solitary living soul; because, you see, it might ruin an important business speculation we have in view.” “ Can it be possible!” extlaimed the stranger. “Every word of it; my friend; but, listen! About fifteen years ago my grandfather dis- covered that tooth while digging worms for fish-bait; found it in a grove a few rods from his house. Ever since then it’s been used in the family as a milking-stool, My father’s farmpby the way, is about three miles southwest of Fungusville, on the ‘Threadbaré Turnpike; Sporadic -County; in ‘this extensive ~Hoosier State, Well; sir, a year ago this coming Sep- tember, and while digging close\by where this, tooth was’ found, my shovel struck something’ hard; it-was a bone. I-dug around and under: it, and tried to pry it up. No use,’ Iicouldn’t budge it: I then went and’ told. the circum: stance to my grandfather, and he and ith two hired men, returned to the spet digging like woodchucks.. To cut the matter shoft, what, after excavating for three days, do you think we uncovered? Gries a lifetime and you wouldn’t-hit it. You may believe me or not; you may suspect that.]’m the truth; but, sir, as true as the gospel of b = F, pea uncovered ee is leton: of a prodigious it man—beau! cel and rcaseating nota fraction less ean ee one hundred'and twenty-six feet and four inches in length!” ‘ “ Can it be possible!” exclaimed the stranger. “Possible? of course it is; moreover, 1 lieve him to be one of a numerous race of giants that once lived and breathed and chewed tobacco right here on this juicy soil of Indiana! ‘Think of that giant, my friend! Why, com; with him, Goliath contracts into a dwarf; the Cardiff giant shrinks into a midget, and our stalwart fellow-countryman, Captain Bates, cight feet high, shrivels into’ Liliputian! To look at that skeleton, sir, with its monstrous ribs out-lined against the sky, will make you think of the framework of a ship before they’ve nailed on the clapboards:” “Can it be possible!” exclaimed the stranger. ‘‘What use do you think we put that skeleton to? my friend, you couldn’t imagine. 1’ tell you. My grandfather, who is a mechanic as well as a farmer, made some circular windows for the eye-sockets, hung a solid door in the nasal cavity, caulked up all the crevices between the jaws, cleared out all the brain dust, and now that skull makes the neatest ice-house you ever saw, It’s in the thorax, though, that we've done our prettiest. The thorax, I must explain to you, is the cavity of the chest. We've partitioned it off denetheisey thatched the left side with straw, fixed up some roosts, and it makes the best chicken-coop in Christendom. The right side we use as a work-shop for the men, and as a play-house for the children; the top being covered with canvass, it makes a de- dightfal place for both purposes. Around two of the ribs the ends of a rope are tied and there the children sit and swing and laugh and read dime novels and other sacred literature for hours at atime. On pleasant Sundays in warm weather the whole family spent most of the time sitting in the thorax of that stupen- dous skeleton; the women with their books and knitting, and the men with their news- papers and pipes.” “Cau it be possible!” exclaimed the stranger. “Great Jupiter! how you talk! certainly it’s possible! my friend, I've often pictured to my- self that giant as alive and well, and I've thought what an imposing fellow he must have been! And every. time I look at that tooth I think of that eleven-story man waltzing around with the jumping toothache. Czsar’s ghost! just think of it! think of a nerve two feet long, and larger round than a clothes-line, and every inch of it red-hot! think of the aching, the throbbing, the burning! Think of the poor wretch ignorant of the virtues of creosote and the forceps of tooth-carpenters, jumping about, in his agony trampling down brave old oak trees and lashing the air into tempests with his mighty arms! think—hallo, at my journey’s end, I see, We. te now, my friend, per- haps forever, but do try and get down our way and take a look at that Skeitton Lon for- t the place—Fungusville; Sporadic County, fodiana. Good-bye, sir.” % eit Jast a moment, young man,” sgid the aderly stranger with sudden briskness, as we “preparing to leave the car. “I expect fot you again. You attend the scientific ‘convention, do you not? Very good; then .call'in at any of the sessions of Section B; you will find me there. Permit me to present you my card.” ‘With a face suffused with the crimson tints of a glorious suriset; Oliver Ooze took that card and read ~~ . Re Theophilus Claviele; » Professor of Comparative Anatomy. Chairman Section B., A.A.AS, : Yale College, Conn. But Oliver Ooze went not in unto Section B; neither did his mastodon’s tooth revel in scientific honors, Jay Ginzert, comicbooks.com