Puck — July 16, 1879 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. 295 THE MAGNETIC YOUNG MAN. ISS CLARE, of Rodney, Ont., is a very attractive girl. Her attractiveness is perfectly “shocking.” She is charged with electricity, and acts precisely like a gal- yanic battery—if you will excuse the pun. By joining hands, we are told, she can send a shock through a dozen persons, and ‘she all the attraction of a net. Nee- dies will hang suspended from her fingers, and when she attempts to pick up a knife, the blade will jump into her hand. We believe all this—and more, too. We once knew a young man who was simi- larly afflicted. But’he was not a happy young man. Quite the contrary. He would have willingly exchanged his shocking gift fora bad case of tooth-ache, or the mumps, or some- thing that way. He was a powerful magnet, and this marvelous peculiarity plunged him into divers difficulties. One day while standing in a crowd, gazing at a procession, he suddenly found four port- monnaies clinging to his fingers, and about the same period fre was seized by four men who elled “Police!” The steel clasps of the purses {id to succumb to the young man’s wonder. fully-developed electric power. He was ar- rested on the charge of being a professional pickpocket; and when he was taken before a istrate that functionary turned a deaf ear to his explanation, until he missed his steel- rimmed spectacles and steel pens, and found them clinging to the prisoner's cheek. The complainants, seeing how he was ‘‘ charged,” withdrew the charge, and the Magistrate dis- charged him. Once when he made an evenin-gcall upon a couple of interesting young ladies, he even wished he was dead—and buried—ere fifteen minutes had winged their rapid flight. He in- nocently backed up against a table whereon was a loaded needle-cushion, and when he sat down soon afterwards, he didn’t stay sit a second, but wildly sprang to his feet, emitting a series of shrieks that nearly frightened the life out of an old lady in the next room, threw one of the young ladies into a swoon, and caused the other to gather her skirts closely about her ankles and clamber up on a table, under the impression that there was a masked burglar, or a mouse, or some other hideous monster in the room. It was a very painful contretemps indeed, and the young man didn’t stay long after that. He said he was sick and must go home; and his appetite for sitting down was sadly impaired for more than a week. This human lodestone visited the office of the Saintville Democrat-Globe one day, and when he returned home he found ten pairs of scissors hanging to various portions of his body, and the D.-G. was compelled to come out next morning with a great deal more original matter than usual. And one evening he whispered something tender into a nice young lady's ear, and when he removed his head, she gave forth a shriek that made his heart stand still and his hair on end. Her father rushed into the room and elevated him into the street with his boot with such phenomenal celerity and start- ing emphasis that he thought a comet's tail had struck the earth. The young lady wore steel ear-rings, and when the magnetic young man suddenly withdrew his head, one of the ornaments was torn from her ear and that or- nearly pulled out by the roots. Owing to t father’s misapprehension, he didn’t stay to apologize. This is trustworthy. One afternoon while promenading the main Street, and ogling the girls, a terrible thing happened to him. He suddenly felt an op- Pressive weight, as it were, in his rear, and Placing his hand behind him he found that his magnetic power had attracted a large dog- collar. Unfortunately, the collar hada full-grown dog in it, and when the animal begged in pite- ous tones to be released, a policeman thought the young man was assailed by a rabid canine, whereupon he drew his revolver, closed both eyes, and discharged six shots at random. ‘Random, by the way, was not thé name of the log.) One bullet shattered a plate-glass win- dow, another lodged in the calf of the young man’s left leg, a third went through a tall gentleman's hat, and the others missed the mark altogether. Two men now seized hold of the dog’s hind legs and pulled—and the magnetic young man’s Sunday trousers were laid up for repairs, It is a terrible thing to be a living, breathing magnet, and this Ontario girl may expect to encounter all sorts of unpleasant adventures if she goes out much, Why, one day, this magnetic person of whom we write accepted an invitation to look at some valuable paintings a friend had just purchased, and he had hardly entered the room when his magnetism drew all the steel picture-nails out of the walls, and the paintings fell with a crash. The owner thought it was a death-token, and that he would lose a member of his family within a week. The magnetic young man couldn't enjoy himself anywhere. He never felt so confused in his life as when he praised a young lady’s wealth of golden hair, and then attracted all the steel skewers and pins and things out of her tresses, and saw seventeen dollars’ worth of store hair fall upon the floor. The young lady ‘was just as much confused as he was, but that didn’t repair matters much, and he abbreviated his visit more than three hours worth, But the worst—and also the best—thing that ever happened to him was one night in August. He took a sundown ramble up the railroad about two miles out of town, and before re- tracing his steps he unthinkingly seated himself upon a pile of old steel rails. He didn’t get home that night. When he attempted to arise to resume his walk, he found himself firmly anchored, the four rails he touched weighing over six hun- dred pounds. He yelled “Police!” ‘“ Murder!” “Fire!” But all in vain, His cries were not heard. He felt so miserable that he would have exchanged positions with the President of the United States, with all its cares and bur- dens, without demanding a dollar to boot. To add to the.unpleasantness of his predicament, a terrific storm came up about an hour before daylight. The thunder thundered like thunder, the lightning lightened like lightning, and the unfortunate young man tried to think of a prayer he was taught at Sunday-school. All of a sudden—perhaps a trifle quicker—sort of in- stantaneously—there was a blinding flash, a fearful crash, and two hours later the young man was picked up insensible. When he returned to consciousness he felt as if he had been interviewed by a New York po- liceman’s club; but his magnetism was gone, The lightning stroke had cured him, It went tight to the spot and knocked spots out of it, and never sent in a bill a yard long. ‘The Ontario girl should sit on a pile of steel rails during a thunder-storm, Ww. We have no occasion to go daily to Coney Island to learn what is going on at that breezy resort, for the sprightly Coney Island Mews tells us all about it. We like the ews because it is a well-edited paper, and is eminently fitted for the perusal of those visitors who flock to that locality in such myriads to take, externally and internally, all the salt. air and water they can conveniently carry—to say nothing of other luxuries. Besides, the Mews is Coney’s original and only daily paper. THEORIES OF THE SEYMOUR MURDER. S we go to press there is nothing new to report with regard to the mysterious Seymour tragedy. The murderer has not been tracked to his lair, but, as a set-off to the singular want of success on the part of the police, they have furnished us with a number of remarkable theories on the subject, which Puck, with his proverbial enterprise and liber- ality, has much pleasure in laying before his readers, SUPERINTENDENT THICKSKULL’s OUTSIDE ‘THEORY. It is obvious that the late Mr. John F. Sey- mour met his death by a small bullet carryin; away a vital part of his spinal cord. It is evi- dent that the shot was discharged from the out- side of the Theological Seminary, inasmuch as the body was found on the grass at some dis- tance from the building. Now how was the shot fired? It must have come from a gun—a gun that was in the hands of an individual who stood within a radius of five hundred yards. I am convinced that no other theory is entitled to the slightest consideration.. Every man, wo- man and child within five hundred yards of the outer fence ought to be arrested. Inspector MupDLEHEAD's InsIDE THEORY. There can no longer be a shadow of a doubt that John F, Seymour cannot with strict pro- priety be looked upon as a living man. A bul- let, fired from somewhere, has afflicted him with chronic deadness, The shot, in my humble opinion, came from the inside of the Seminary. It is not exactly an established fact, but I think there is very good reason to suppose that some careless plumbers may have been at work on the 4th of July, and have carelessly thrown a piece of lead out of the window, which may have accidentally entered the heart of Mr. Seymour. Captain SMASHEM'’s ASTRONOMICAL THEORIES, John F, Seymour met his fate by a shot fired from above. Whence came it? Echo answers “T don’t know,” but Echo didn’t reason. I have two theories on the subject—one solar, and the other lunar, It has been proved by the spectrum analysis that the Sun contains all the known and unknown metals. The 4th of July was an exceedingly hot day. Why couldn’t a leaden solar ray have struck Mr. Seymour in a vital part and finished him? My lunar theory is exceedingly simple. The man in the Moon may have been celebrating and have shot recklessly. Coroner CRoaKEM’s TOXICOLOGICAL THEORY. There is no doubt, in 2 mind, that the un- fortunate Mr, Seymour had been taking medi- cinal preparations of lead for years. The metal ultimately accumulated round his heart in the shape of a bullet, and made his body present the appearance of having daylight let through it. DETECTIVE BLATHERSKITE’S ‘TRANSATLANTIC ‘THEORY. o On the 4th of July, at Spezzia, in Italy, some important trials were made with three newly constructed ironclads and the carrying power of some eight hundred-pounder guns. The pro- jectiles wee steel, cased with lead. What would be more natural to suppose than that a linter of the casing may have traveled across the Atlantic and taken refuge in the breast of the unfortunate Mr, Seymour, The experiments took place at five o’clock in the afternoon. Mr, Seymour is supposed to have been killed at ten o'clock at night. Allowing for the difference in time, this would exactly correspond with the moment of the discharge of the first projec- tile, and proves that the splinter must have traveled with the rapidity of the electric fluid. Detective Puck's THEORY. Mr. Seymour met his death at the hands of some person or persons unknown—and likely to remain so. comicbooks.com