Puck — March 26, 1879 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. A SERMON FOR THE SISTERS. I nebber break§ a colt afore he’s old enough to trabbel; I nebber digs my.taters tell dey plenty big to grabble; An’ when you sees me risin’ up to structify in meetin’, I's fust clumb up de knowledge-tree and done some apple-eatin’. I sees some sistahs pruzint, mighty proud o' whut dey wearin’, It’s well you isn’t apples, now, you better be declarin’! For when you heerd yo markit-price, ’t 'd hurt yo’ little feelin’s: You wouldn't fotch a dime a peck, for all yo’ fancy peelin’s. Osistahs—leetle apples (for you're r'ally mighty like 'em)— I lubs de ol'-time russets, dough it’s, suldom I kin strike "em; An’ so I lubs you, sistahs, for yo" grace, an’ not yo’ graces— I don’t keer how my apple looks, but on’y how it tas’es. Is dey a Sabbaf-scholah heah? Den let him "form his mudder How Jacob-in-de-Bible’s boys played off upon dey brudder! Dey sol’ him to a trader—an’ at las’ he struck de prison: Dat comed ob Joseph's struttin’ in dat streaked coat ob his’n, My Christian frien’s, dis story proobes dat eben men is human— He'd had a dozen fancy coats, ef he'd ‘a’ been a”ooman! De cussidness ob showin’ off, he foun’ out all about it: An’ yit he wuz a Christian man, as good as ever shouted, It larned him! An’ I bet you when he come to git his riches é Dey didn’t go for stylish coats or Philadelphy breeches; He didn’t was’e his money when experunce taught him better, But went aroun’ a-lookin’ like he’s waitin’ for a letter! Now, sistahs, wont you copy him? Say, wont you take a lesson, An’ min’ dis sollum wahnin’ 'bout de sin ob fancy dressin’ ? How much yo’ spen’ upon yo'se'f! I wish you might remember Yo’ preacher aint been paid a cent sence some- whar in November. I better close. I sees some gals dis sahmon's kinder hittin’ A-whisperin’, an’ 'sturbin’ all dat’s near whar dey’s a-sittin’; . To look at dem, an’ listen at dey onrespec’ ful jabber, It turns de milk ob human kineness mighty nigh to clabber! A-A-A-MEN! —Srwin Russell in Scribner for April, A New Minrorp man pulls his teeth with a flat-iron. This is simple and effective. He ties the tooth with a wax-end to the flat-iron and then flings the latter. We once knew a man who did this with a plowshare. He threw the plowshare over a barn, but being heavy, the momentum was too great for his power of resistance, and he went over the barn, with it, hurting himself severely on the ridge- pole.— Danbury News. _ Your parson will talk of the beauty of re- signation, year after year, and never think of resigning himself—that is, not unless he gets a “call."—Boston Transcript, Positivety THE Last.—It is suspected. that, were Poe still alive, he would render his most celebrated poem so that the refrain should read: “Said the raven, Never—that is, hardly ever-more.”—Louisville Courier-Journal, Encouracep by the news that a party of Philadelphia Councilmen intend to proceed to San Francisco to escort Grant across the conti- nent, all the distilleries in the country have started ahead on full time.—Phi/a, Kronikle- Herald, ‘THE Baltimore Every Safarday says a capi- talist. may get up a “corner” on grain, but “ there is no way of getting a corner on pretty girls.” Perhaps not; but there is a way of getting a pretty girl into a corner, after the old folks have retired, and the gas turned down, that makesa young man forget all the “corners” in this world.— Norristown Herald. “T suoutp like to have you raise a club,” said a 7xg book canvasser to a daughter of Erin, as he stood on the front step trying to talk her to death on the subject of the ‘ Ex- tinction of the Tribes of the Seventh Century.” “Twill,” said Biddy, as she reached around behind the door, ‘“ but bad luck to your picture if you're lingering around here when I get it raised.” He didn’t linger.—E/mira Gazette. Mr. Presipent, did you never keep a bar in connection with the White House? No, Nevarts. What, Nevarts? Well, hardly Evarts! (This is the first time the “ Pinafore” guy has been admitted to these columns. We are sorry for it this time, and apologize to the pub- lic for it, but under the circumstances the temptation was one we couldn’t resist.)— Hawkeye. Wuen John Jacob Astor came to this country he brought with him six flutes, and with the proceeds of the sale of these instruments he started business, and died worth a few hundred million dollars, And here is where John Jacob had an immense advantage over the American, When the latter comes to this country he doesn’t bring anything with him but a vocifer- ous pair of lungs and a‘bald head. And we don’t see how he could bring six flutes, if he wanted to.—oertstown Herald. “ Rosatinp May,” a New York correspond- ent for a score of out-of-the-city papers, speak- ing of the price of garters, says, “Some have been shown me marked $100 the pair, and I was informed that a pair had been made to order and sold for $1500.” Very few young men dreamed that the female garter came so high. Young man, if your salary is too weak for $100 garters, you'd better remain single, or marry the daughter of an Indian chief. She paints her 1—imbs and has no use for garters. And economy continues to be wealth.—or- ristown Herald, Every nowand then—especially then—there is a ramor that George W. Childs, of the Phila- delphia Ledger, has purchased the New York World, and intends to change its size, and price, and politics. We are permitted, offi- cially, to give the true version of the case. Mr.Childs has just completed negotiations for the parchase of the New York Sun, Tribune, World and Times, which he proposes to con- solidate with Puck, issue it as a tri-daily, and advocate the election to the Presidency of Charles A, Dana on a Greenback platform. A few persons may regard this statement as a campaign lie, but— Norristown Herald. Dear little Puck, do they threaten to chack You out of the New Dominion, When in your hat a feather you gat By giving an honest opinion ? Let the P. M. G. in a free countree Attempt if he dare to suppress you, And he would regret the act, you bet, For your legion of friends would bless you, And arise to a man to wipe out the scan- Dalous doings of flunkeys and snobs; Who low-necked attire are wont to admire,” And who put up Government jobs. If that's contraband, we join heart and hand, And wish you success in your mission, Afd hope that you, with this end in view, Will ever maintain your position. Such straws show which way the‘winds blow, And reveal to such folks as we, When a garment fits hke Puck's rare hits, “What fools these mortals be!” —Toronto Gossiper. ‘Tuis Hayesy stanza is somewhat suggestive of broken China: He Hilselfee self have said it, Allee, its glatelee to his cledit; He bee one Haysee Chinee man; . He mightee bee a Tillden or a Potter or a Pel- ton, Or perhaps Denlee Kann-ar-llee; But spitee allee temptation, To belong to some ollie nation, He bee one Haysee Chinee man, —Boston Courier, Ricuarp Ca:ur pe Lion was the most stylish man in in England, of his time. When he put on his tin’ helmet and cast-iron ulster, and a a pair of laminated steel boots, and picked up a club with an iron knob and a steel spike in the end, and set forth on a crusade, the fash- ionable society of that day considered him just “« dressed to kill.” And so he was. And one time when he was dressed up that way a fellow killed him.— Hawkeye. Vichy from the Springs: Havrenive, Ceesting, Granne. Geitte and Horrrat—the only genuine. Tr TEORICHSHALL 1s Tur ONLY RELIABLE anp BEST ov Att Brrrexwarens, ———————— CAN CATARRH BE CURED? We say it can, even the worst cases. Testimonial hundreds prove it has been done by the use of POND'S EX- TRACTS" The value of our Extract in all Catarrhal affections has nducedus to prepare remed POND'S EXTR. especially adapted to dis this preparation is POND'S other well:known ingredients, which makes it the best, surest, Safest and quickest cure for the diseases for which itis intended. Price, 75 cents, Our Nasal Syringe for applying the cure is of Ereat'value. Price only 2¢ cents. Prepared by the POND'S EXTRACT CO., New York and London. Sold by druggists and at g8 Maiden Lane. SOZODONT. To preserve the teeth and keep them pure and white, to prevent their decay, there is no preparation in the market equal to SOZODONT To preserve the gums in a eatur- ally hard and healthy condition, there is no superior to SOZO- DONT. To purify and sweeten the breath there is no rival to SOZODONT. For a perfect mouth there is no recipé like the use of SOZODONT. Consequently itis no wonder that the populanty of SOZODONT as a dentifrice has no bounds. All Druggists keep it. D®?. G. B. SIEGERT & SONS’ WORLD-RENOWNED ANGOSTURA BITTERS, ‘This most invigorating tonic fjastly celebrated for its exquisite fod extraordinary weDicat vires d by all principal drugeists, grocers and liquor dealer, W. Hancox, Sole Agent for’ the United States, $1 Broadway, New Yoru. "P.O. Box, 10~Geo. Wuppermann, Manager. Beware of Counterfeits and Imitations! BOKER’S BITTERS, The best Stomach Bitters known, containing most valu- able medicinal properties in all cases «f Bowel complaints; a ihc against Dyspepsia, Fever and Ague, &c. A fine itsele taken pore. it is also most excellent (or ith other cordials, wises, &c. Comparatively the cheapest Bitters in existence. L. FUNKE, Jr., Bele Ageat, P, 0, Box 1029, 78 John St, N.Y. comicbooks.com °