Puck — November 27, 1878 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Puck’ F Beans, CHINESE CAROL. Denly Klearney gone way offee, Chinee washee much good now, Put more elbow-grease in shirtee, No ’fraid fightee, no 'fraid low. Denly Klearney when come Bosting, He said Chinee stand no show, Chinee washee allee samee, Denly Klearney filst to go! All good Chinee now go Joss House, Burn blue paper, ’cause Klearney gone, Hopee stayce Californey, Else ’cross watee where he born. —Boston Post, Ir Stewart to find.—New Haven Register. A. T. the present time it seems so—Aldany Argus. A lot of boot-blacks sitting on a curbstone may not be India rubber boys, though they are gutter perchers.— Cin. Sat. Night. Wuy couldn’t sealskin be grafted on a cat and the animal made to earn its milk? Can any patent-medicine Socrates say ?— Wheeling Leader, HE jests at horse-cars that never felt a stout female person with a basket mistake him for a stuffed hair-cloth rocking-chair.—. Y, Com- mercial Adv, Give the average American girl her choice between going to heaven and marrying into the nobility, and see how few charms heaven has for her.—Keokuk Constitution, A MANUFACTURER Of artificial flies has a fine exhibit at Paris. ‘Thus a long-felt want at the summer boarding-house will be supplied by man’s genius.—WV. Y. Graphic. Wittiam Tet never shot the apple, Poca- hontas didn’t save the life of Smith, and the worst of all, Grant never was a tanner, Exit romance.— New Haven Register. Ir takes the average woman three minutes to buy a postage stamp and lick it on, while it takes the average man only fifty-seven seconds. Please think of these things.—Detroit Free Press. Ir the parties who stole A. T. Stewart's re- mains will communicate with this paper we'll guarantee to publish their names and charge them nothing for doing it.—hila. Kronikle- Herald, One of the handsomest bronzes on exhibition at the Chicago Loan Exhibition is ‘“ Ulysses bending his bow.” Wouldn't “ Ulysses bending his elbow’ have a more modern and significant twang to it?—Burlington Hawkeye. Tue “ Puckerings” which we published re- cently were clipped from Puck, We make the explanation because the St. Louis Spirit has been giving us credit which belongs to the other f Mow. — Honest Stillwater Lumberman, Tue Washington Jost does not hesitate to characterize a young lady who recently “ gave a public reading” in that city as a “‘recitatrist.” ‘The Post must have known that the lady had no big brother of her own, or it never would have dared to apply to her so opprobrious an epithet as that. —Lowisville Cour.-Journal. Tue Mormon women of Salt Lake ‘City have resolved that polygamy is a divine institution and conducive of long life and strength. Per- haps this explains why Beecher keeps so remark- ably healthy.— Pula, Kronikle- Herald, When Satan took Simon Cameron up into the Alleghany mountains and offered him the State of Pennsylvania, Simen took the old boy at his word. Ever since, the State of Pennsyl- vania has been the Cameron family. — Louisville Courier-Journal. ‘Tue Buffalo Express gently chides a Buffalo bride who got married in a pair of stockings valued at $150. One hundred and ninety-nine dollars’ worth of bonnet and one dollar’s worth of stockings would have made ,more show to the public.—Detroit Free Press: ‘Tere isa poem in the November AWantic that starts off by saying, ‘‘ There came three queens from heaven.” Never do you believe it; we'll bet you a thousand dollars one of them was dealt to him, and he pulled the other two out of his boot.— Burlington Hawkeye. THe man who has just donned his winter flannels may be known by a generally pre- occupied look, and the anxious celerity with which he backs up against a lamp-post or the sharp édge of a building when he thinks no one is looking at him.—Aorwich Bulletin, Miss Nettie Hanp runs a millinery store in Des Moines. We imagine some day or other, some how or other, some fellow wiil strike the old gentleman and ask for his pattern Hand maiden, This is only the imagination of a dis- ordered brain, however.— Keokuk Constitution. Joaquin MILLER, we are told, ‘weeps be- cause Italy is not native land.” We'll bet two dollars and a half that Italy doesn’t. But then he can embark in the hand-organ business without being a native of Italy. He has long enough hair, and a two weeks’ abstinence from soap would produce the other requsite.—or- ristown Herald. He caught a cold, a horrid cold, (They do who go a-fishin’) And this accounts for what would else Have sent him to perditicn. For when a neighbor kindly asked, With voice as sweet as toffy, “Did Java pleasant time?” he said, “Well, yes, a little coughy!”” — Yonkers Gazette. FITZNOODLE’S BWOTHER FWED IN SAN FWANCISCO, AN illustrious—even a lordly stranger—was sojourning at the Palace Hotel this week, and, like a true Britisher, he ordered, with his break: fast, tea and toast. The unenlightened Abys- sinian who was waiting on him had the misfor- tune to bring the toast in on a plate, and was ignorant of having committed any offense un- til the guest in question had surveyed him through a single eye-glass for about three mi- nutes, and concluded his scrutiny by remark- ing: “I say, ye know, why carn't ye bring a fellow his toast on a wack?” He apologized, rushed off to the head steward, and asked him what a wack was. A consultation of forty- seven waiters, temporarily on duty, was held, and it was finally decided that a wack was an article unknown to American hostelries. The gentleman was so informed, and asked for fur- ther explanation. ‘ Not know what a toast- wack is?” he replied, “What a wummy idea; it’s weally outwageous. Everwy wesponsible waiter, in my country, brings in toast on a wack. It’s all wight, ye know, and all that sort of thing, but weally, when I’m witing home no fellow would believe that the San Francisco hotels did not have toast-wacks,” And they don’t.—S. F. News-Letter. Wuar is this rumpus halibut *That vexes Scotia's sod ? Does England really sucker need, Or is it all a cod? Sole long as herring Johnnie Bull Forbears to carp and rail, Ecl find dace set of folks in us Who're not inclined to whale. St. Louis Times-Journal. PassinG strange that it doesn’t occur to Judge Hilton to get out a habeas corpus. Calls himself a judge!— Phila, Bulletin, “Sotrraire diamonds,” says a fashion jour- nal, “are still in high favor for engagement rings.” That’s what makes an old married man smile so often and so pityingly, as he gazes at the young men who come to take his seven daughters to the sociable.-—Burlington Hawkeye. Our esteemed contemporary the New York World, animated with an ingenuous desire to enliven the Christmas season and to put its readers in the way of at once improving their minds, passing a few moments agreeably and usefully, and carning anywhere from $5 to $50 in gold, announces that it will distribute, on the day before Christmas, twelve prizes in cash to the successful competitors in a novel game of questions, to be submitted weekly until the prizes are distributed. We enter the list of contestants with the understanding that if we win a prize, as we no doubt will, it will be used as a nucleus fora Democratic campaign fund for 1880, 1, What was Lucifer’s Lawsuit, and in what particular did it resemble the Vanderbilt case? It was all about a dog, and resembles the Vanderbilt case in that it created a great pub- lic scandal, made several lawyers immensely wealthy, and left both plaintiff and defendant “« poor as Satan.” 2. What do you think the most remarkable instance in history of great events flowing from a trifling cause ? Ben Butler's campaign in Massachusetts on a Greenback basis, 3. When did the first American rebellion occur ? When Columbus «tepped ashore and told the Indians to * go west.” 4. Who invented milk-punch? Edison's grandmother, heaven rest her good soul! 5. Who wrote the familiar lines: «There is happy land Far, far away ""? The Sweet Singer of Michigan. 6. State any point of resemblance between Achilles and the author of the well-known lines: «Her feet beneath her petticoat Like little mice stole in and out.” Because he can't climb a tree. .. Has it ever been settled who wrote “Rock Me to Sleep, Mother"? If so, who did write it? We are the long-lost, and can show the ne- cessary strawberry mark, thank you. We also wrote “ Beautiful Snow,” 8. Who wrote the lines: «Here's a cup to the dead already; Hurrah for the next who dies!"? The lines are the joint production of the Stewart grave robbers.— Derrick. Beware of Counterfeits and Imita: BOKER’S BITTERS. The best Stomach Bitters known, containing most val medicinal propert ses of Bowel complain cific against Dysps Fever and Ague, &c. A in itself, if taken pure. It is also. most excellent for 1g with other cordials, wines, &e. Cheapest Bitters in existence, Sela Agent, P. 0, Bex 1029, 78 Joha St, N.Y. Comparatively the comicbooks.com