Puck — November 20, 1878 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. 13 Puck’ E nae. Notwitustanpinc the approach of cold weather, gate business is still: good. (Surro- gate.) English humor, improved.—Rome Sen- tinel. Detays are dangerous in everything except marriages — the longer you delay that, the bet- ter you are off.—Z:dmira Gasette. Mr. Butcer claims that he had more votes than his opponent—is perfectly satisfied. ‘This is fiat victory.—Rochester Express. Tue noble red man knows not the use of drawers, and yet the government is squander- ing money on Indian bureaus.—Rome Sentinel. ‘Tue American tramp, Weston, walking at London, is reported as twenty-seven miles _be- hind Brown, another tramp. ‘They should feed our man on ketchup.—New Orleans Picayune, Tue Cornell crew challenges the Harvards. At the Cornell school, in addition to boat racing, no extra charge is made for teaching reading and writing.— New Orleans Picayune. “Wuere shall we find rest ?” asks a religious weekly. My dear sir, the very best place to find rest and plenty of it is to become clerk in a_dry-goods store that doesn’t advertise.— Phila, Kronikle-Herald. Bismarck has received the Cross of the Red Eagle. ‘This exhausts the German Emperor's stock of decorations, and as nearly all available exterior space is already occupied Bismarck will paste this one in his hat.— Boston Post, He stepped into the barn, and as hé caught sight of the colt taking his frugal meal, he observed, “Isn't that an ‘orsey-ating specta- English papers please copy.— Yonkers Gazette. Tue natives of Lord Howe's Island in the South Pacific petitioned for four schoolmasters and-some iron pots, The gentle aborigines evidently contemplate giving a party.—S. /. News-Letter. ‘Tere is a rumor that Clara Morris has sep- arated from her husband, and the lady spends half her time contradicting it, and so makin; a brand-new advertisement for her gentle self —Buffalo Express. Wuat was the matter with Jonah that the whale couldn't digest him?—/nguirer. It is probable that he was homesick, as nothing will make one more unappreciative of hospitality than that.— Yonkers Gazelle. Astronomers tell us that it would take 1,250,000 years, providing there was a tele- graph wire from the carth to the nebula in An- dromeda, for a dispatch to reach there. Sono wire will be put up.—Danbury News. Foreicn advices state that the King of Da- homey has recommenced the custom of human sacrifices. He kills those who bring him the news, Asa suitable messenger to convey Greenback intelligence to his kingship we nominate Denis Kearney.—Rome Sentinel, Roscoe Conktinc looms up since the 5th inst.—Lowell Courier. Yes, it does seem rather that way. Roscoe sent us the following loomi- nous message that night: “Weave met the enemy on the warp-path, and they are woofully disappointed.” —Fiila, Bulletin. THE CANDIDATE, “Father, who travels the road so late ?” “ Hush, my child, 'tis the candidate.” Fit examp'e of human woes— Early he comes and late he goes; He greets the woman with courtly grace, He kisses the baby’s dirty face, He calls to the fence the farmer at work, He bores the merchant, he bores the clerk, ‘The blacksmich, while his anvil rings, He greets, and this the song he sings: “ Howdy, howdy, howdy do? How is your wife and how are ‘you? Ah! it fits my fist as no other can, ‘The horny hand of the workingman.” “Husband, who is that man at the gate?” “Hush, my dear, ’tis the candidate.” “ Husband, why can’t he work like you ? Has he nothing at home to do?” “My dear, whenever a man is down, No cash at home, no money in town, Too stupid to preach, too proud to beg, Too timid to rob and too lazy to dig, ‘Then over his horse his legs he flings, And to the dear people this song he sings: “« Howdy, howdy, howdy do? How is your wife and how are you? Ah! it fits my fist as no other can, ‘The horny hand of the workingman.’” Brothers who labor early and late Ask these things of the candidate: “ What's his record? How does he stand At home? No matter about his hand; Be it hard or soft, so it be not prone To close over money not his own. Has he in view no thieving plan? Is he honest and capable—is he our man? Cheer such a man till the welkin rings, Join in the chorus when thus he sings: “« Howdy, howdy, howdy do? How is your wife and how are you? Ah! it fits my fist as no other can, ‘The horny hand of the workingman. —Burlington Hawkeye. MR. EPPENSTEIN’S BABIES. YESTERDAY a reporter called at the store of Mr. Abraham Eppenstein to make some inqui- ries about the health of the three cherubims that his wife had presented him the night be- fore. “Well, how’s everything?” asked the re- porter, smiling broadly. “Vell, I feels pooty good all der vhile. Beesness vas pickin’ up pooty kvick. I haf der largest assordment of goods vat vas ever brought —"” “The children—the babies?” interrupted the reporter; “ Iwant to know something about the babies.” “Vat babies? Oh, dose dree leetle fellers vat come to seen me last night? 1 vish you vould said in your paper to-morrow dot Mr. Eppenstein’s babies are like his goods—der best der market affords, “Und see here,” called the happy father after the vanishing reporter, ‘ poot in a line at der bottom, und said, of you please, det our popular merchant, Mr. Eppenstein, haf just returned from Ni Yorick mit a large stock of goods, vich he is almost givin’ away on ac- kound of der hard times.""— O7/ City Derrick. Litta asks us: ‘ Would a man smoke cigars if he couldn't see the smoke?” Lilia, would a girl chew gum if she couldn't see what she was chewing? Ask us something with a bay win- dow to it.— Wheeling Leader, Why is it that five-sixths of mankind, when cutting open a slapjack and finding a roach therein, instead of feeling a flood of pity at the fate of the animal, go arouhd for the cook with a slung-shot-up their sleeve ?—Wheeling Leader. A younc man with a terrific cold in his head, sitting by the side of his best girl in a crowded church, never fully realizes the awful responsibilities of life until he struggles with all the force of his entire being to keep back an insidious sneeze.—Hackensack Republican, Great excitement was created at Burlington a few days since, by the supposed discovery of a sea-serpent's skeleton. The wonder turned out to be nothing but an old striped stocking which a Troy girl had carelessly left there during a late visit.—Whitehad Times. “ Sit hats, being quite heavy on the wear- er's head, are apt to cause softening of the brain.” The above unparalleled lie is perpe trated in the hope that hatters will reduce their prices so that a paragrapher can obtain a tile without spending a month's salary.—A, Y, Ex- press. Ir Edison will invent a simple machine to hold up a lady’s dress, wipe her nose without the necessity of removing her hands from her muff, keep the tip of her nose from becoming red, and hold down her dress so that her stock- ings won't show when she tumbles on the ice, it will make winter promenading not only pos- sible but pleasant for the fair sex. — Parla, Kronikle-Herald. AN exchange, speaking of an accident which happened to an old gentleman, says, ‘ Upon examination it was found that he had sustained a fracture of the neck of the femur within the capsular ligament.” Ha! it was fortunate that he did not: agitate the pericardium of the cere- bullum, and “thus destroy the juxtaposition, be- tween the thyroclatic nerve and the optimus Ambakj. It’s a bad enough case as it is, but we think he will pull through.—Xcokuk ‘Con- stitution, Wuen Prof. Watson, or some other profes- sor, discovers a new star it is telegraphed all over the country, But when an unscientific gent steps on the slippery side of a pool of frozen water, caresses the pavement with the back of his head, and sees millions of new meteors traveling at the rate of two billion miles a second, and a whole firmament of new stars shooting hither and thither, he keeps the wonderful discovery a secret, He doesn’t hanker for newspaper notoriety.—Naughty Norristown Herald man, anticipating Puck. x re of “off “Gy aff Lecekmann COMPRESSED YEASY WORTNLESS IMITATIONS SSS GICAL, [EL ISCHMANN & COS. CENTINE ARTICLE AUCTION!!! EXTRA! EXTRA! Bric-A-Brac Curiosities; China, Tedian and South Sea Noveles, Shell and Minerals at Auction at the OLp Cuwostry Suor, 689 Broanway, Monday, November 23th, at 10 o'clock; é i| comicbooks.com