Puck — October 2, 1878 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

13 DEATH IN THE OIL CAN, A MAN out on South Hill had reason to be- lieve that his superintendent of cuisine was in the habit of using kerosene to start the morn- ing fires. He placed his suspicions in the form of a charge, which was indignantly denied, and proof demanded, He wasn't ready with his testimony, and the case was dismissed for lack of evidence. But his suspicions increased, and he ordered a secret investigation, and ap- pointed himself chairman of the committee, with power to send for persons and papers. He laid his plans with care, and the next morning he followed his maid-servant down stairs at a careful and respectful distance, and hid himself near the kitchen door, where he could not see nor be seen, while he could hear very distinctly whatever was said or done. ‘The rustle of paper and the rattle of dry light wood was succeeded by hasty steps toward the closet in the cellar-way. ‘Then he heard the gurg- + Jing of a liquid, as though it was bubbling out of a small tin spout. He heard the can set down and then the scrape of a match. “H'm,” he heard the maid-servant remark. ‘Then another match snapped and a_ barely audible fizzle succeeded. Grimly smiled the silent man by the outer door. “H'm,” remarked the maid-servant, a little petulantly. Another match snapped and blazed up. Another sound as of sizzling. ‘The smile on the face of the man deepened into a grin, “Well, I never did!” came from the kit- chen, and there was heard the sound of more pouring on the light wood, Another match and more silence. “Well, did you ever?” queried the queen of the range, evidently anxious to obtain. testi- mony corroborative of her own experience, as set forth in her previous statement that she‘ never did. ‘The man sitting outside the door throttled himself with both hands and softly pounded the ground with his heels. Some- thing evidently excited him, and when the next match snapped he caught himself by the legs and bit fiercely into the corner of the door frame ina frenzied effort to smother a hollow groan. “The old Scratch is in the oil, I do be- lieve,” said a troubled voice in the kitchen, and more pouring ensued. Another match, another, another. And the man crawled off behind ‘the cistern box and hugged his knees with many insane expressions and silent demon- strations of interest, when he heard the angry voice inside the kitchen say: “Plague on such oil! I'd like to pour it all down Will Darling’s back!" Another match, and then a confused sound of rattling and scraping, and a tearful woman came to the door and hurled an armful of * soaked paper and light wood out into the yard and kicked an oil-can after it. ‘The smiling man crept back up-stairs unseen. Breakfast was late that morning, and when the queen of the kitchen was asked the cause wherefore, she said somebody had left the shed-door open and all the light wood was damp. And no man that ever filled an oil-can with non-explo- sive cistern water ever looked half so innocent as the man who sat at the head of that table choking over a graham muffin.—Burlington Hawkeye. We will pay Dennis Kearney's expenses if he will go down and address the workingmen of Memphis.— Unknown Ex. James Gorvon Benner will shortly return to Europe. ‘There is a rumor that he is engaged _ to Garibaldi’s grandmother.— Boston Post. ScuuyLer Corrax is lecturing against the Mormons. It is probable that Brigham Young never saw fit to conciliate Schuyler by the present of a $1,000 greenback.—W. Y. Sun. Ronert Bonner won't run for Mayor, He prefers to have mares run for him,— Phila. Hug. Bulletin, “Tne New York Canal Board has added flour to the free list.” All right. We'll take a barrel.— Derrick. Ir has just been discovered that Colonel In- gersoll writes poetry. Gentlemen, that shelves another Presidential aspirant. — Burlington Hawkeye. Some soulless sneak-thief went into the hall of a West Hill residence, last evening, and plagiarized a new fall overcoat.—Burlington Hawkeye. James Gorpon BENNETT came nearer get- ting married last week than he ever did before in all his life. A man married his sister.— Burlington Hawkeye. “Look at the baste, wid his two toothpicks sticking out av his mouth!” was how the first sight of an elephant affected Bridget Muldoon, —Boston Transcript. “Do dogs snore?” asks an exchange. We don’t know, as we never fool around a dog long enough to find out. We know, however, that mules do not.—W. ¥. Kea says he is “not a sympathizer with strikes.” Nothing we have heard moves us to such a warm sympathy and cordial friend- ship for strikes as this.— Burlington Hawkeye. ‘Tue woman who refuses an offer of marriage should do it by postal-card. By this means she can secure several hours to say her prayers before being murdered.—/hila, Kronikle-He- rald. Os y twenty-four Baltimore girls have found pearls worth $6,000 each in opening oysters this fall, This shows what a terrible shrinkage there has been in the pearl business, — Pittsburgh Telegraph. Mr, Ho, of the Chinese Legation in Eng- land, is translating Shakspere into Chinese. One passage from “ Hamlet" reads: “Ho, that this too, too muchee venison would turn into saltee water.” — Cleveland Herald. A MAN must not expect to jump into fame all of a sudden, He must either climb the ladder slowly or else marry a woman who will make him famous by cloping with a negro, a Chinaman, or a bald-headed widower.—/iila, Kronikle-Herald, Since Hayes called Toledo a “mighty centre of commerce” the Council of that city has con- cluded not to permit cattle and hogs to run at large on its one business street. Hayes can flatter himself that his administration has been a success.— Pittsburgh Telegraph. Ir is a lamentable fact that a piece of paste- board with a verse on it, given as a reward of merit in a Sabbath-school, has not half the charm fora boy as the same sized piece of pasteboard with the simple talismanic words, “Admit one." — Cin. Breakfast Table, A very light but dangerous young lady, Car- tic Seen.— Whitehall Times. She is a sister to Ben Seen.— Wheeling Leader. And a cousin to Ann Thracite, who is so grateful.— Hachen- sack Republican, ‘Vhe first two are directly acquainted with Pete Roleum, although a more refined branch of the family.— Galveston News, ‘Tne wind expended in a single political speech by some orators would furnish the mo- tive power to keep a baby crying for a whole year, And yet the newspapers which insist that it isa man’s duty to vote never have a word to say about his getting married. — t/a. Kronikle-Herald, Epwarp Looner resides in Philadelphia. And this suggests a frightful conundrum, to wit: What is the difference between the alleged planet Vulcan and this Philadelphia gentle- man? One isa lunar mystery and the other is a Mr, E, Looner.—Norr. Herald, Russia is having great rouble with her paper money, a dollar’s worth of which is only worth forty-six cents. (And now if rouble won't rhyme with stubble, there is the blastedest joke that ever blighted the yearning eyes of an un- lettered paragrapher.)— Burlington Hawkeye. A Western hotel-keeper whose bill of fare bore the announcement, “ Breakfast 7 to 8,” had it scratched off the morning the President partook of a meal there. He was afraid the figures 7 to 8 would recall painful recollections to the mind of his guest.— Philadelphia Kronikle- Herald. Mr. Stickney, of Fall River, stole nearly $100,000. He was but a little lower than the Angell, who stole $120,000,— Chicago Times. We trust Mr. Pullman won't take to polishing up his fares to make up for Angell’s defalcation. Although we thought we detected George, last time he was here, humming softly to himself, “Angells ever brighten fare." —iila. Bulletin, Since Theodore Thomas's determination to take up his residence in Cincinnati, that city has become highly musical. Silver dollars are dropped into the hats of organ-grinders, street- singers are presented with new clothes, and cats are permitted to organize concerts on back fences without having to dodge boot-jacks, etc. —WNorr. Herald. A New York clergyman says he “doesn't know himself.” He should get nominated and run for a political office if he wants to be told all about himself, and more too. The news- papers and speakers on the other side would crowd more astonishing and awful things into his pedigree than he ever dreamed of. He would be surprised to learn that he starved his grandfather to death, and threw his grandmo- ther down an old well.— Norristown Herald. “ NorHinG,” says the Basar, “leoks sweeter ona litle girl than a white muslin princess dress.” Doesn't it, old lady? If you will just happen around here some time when our young man is looking his sweetest on a little girl about seventeen years old, you will blush for the tame expressionless stupidity of a muslin dress, And we'll leave it to the little girl herself, which of the two looks sweeter on her.—JSurlington Hawkeye. “« THERE are seventeen sculptors and painters from the United States now residing in Rome,” read Mrs. Bemis from the newspaper. “ Hm!" grunted Mr. Bemis, who was anointing his feet- coverings with the extract of hog; ‘‘no wonder 1 couldn't get a painter to whitewash that shed.” Mrs. Bemis glore an awful glance at him.— Rockland Courier. COMPRES: YEasyr WORTHLESS IMITATIONS SAIL, FELISCHMANN & COS, CENOINE ARTICLE comicbooks.com °