Puck — December 26, 1877 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

‘He Homestead Fire Insurance Company of Watertown, N. Y., has—. use finishing the sentenc: what it has done.— £% Wuen the Indians left Washington the other day, Secretary Evarts warned them to put their money in their moccasins as they passed through Chicago.—Lelroit Free Press. "Tue bald-headed man is in great demand to act as judge at baby shows. We have always maintained that a way would ultimately be found to utilize him.— Worcester Press. A FASHION journal says: ‘ Overcoats will be worn much longer.” We know of one old ulster that won't be worn much longer unless the image-man wears it.— Dexter Smith's. Aw ingenious chap has invented toy cows that “moo” and give milk; but they can’t drag their tails on the untidy floor and then slash a fellow across the mouth.—Rewey on Beef. ‘THERE are a great many people who are anxious to stand by the President, and it would give them some courage if the President should take a notion to stand by himself.—/hi/a. Times. Ir this Spring-like weather continues much longer, Spotted ‘Tail and his braves will return to Washington and ask to have their overcoats exchanged for linen dusters. — Norristown Herald, Finp a man who has just seen his girl waltz- ing with another fellow, and in every case you will discover him to be an ardent admirer of Mrs. General Sherman. — Louisville Sunday Argus. Ir the good die young, and the wicked do not live out half their days, a golden mean be- tween the extremes would seem to be a wise sanitary measure. We know people mean enough to live a thousand years.— Rome Sen- tinel. A new Christmas slipper has been invented. It is to slipper ten-dollar gold piece in the hand of a deserving person on Christmas. N. B. We are always at home on that day.— White- hall Times, ‘TENNESSEE expects to save $11,500,000 by paying only half her debt. This’ will look so well that the next legislature may decide to save the other half. Economy is wealth.— Lowell Courier. WHEN a young man is in the parlor alone with his girl on Sunday evening, and her mother comes in for an hour's chat, he is strenuously opposed to the “Third Party Movement.” Norristown Herald. ‘THe Chicago Zribune says: “One touch of nature make the nations kin.” Yes, in Europe ‘one touch of nature is making two nations skin each other with all reasonable dispatch.— Brooklyn Union- Argus. ““Wuat is this feeling of vague uneasiness— this haunting something that restlessly pervades my breast?” tragically inquires the New York Ledger heroine. We know what itis; it is dys- pepsia.— Xockland Courier. A Baby has been born in Salem, Alabama, with a back-bone so much longer than is neces- sary that it can wag the end of in. Mr. Dar- win! Mr, Darwin! Hi, there; quick, Mr. Dar- win!!!—Burlington Hawkeye. “Every drop bran’y I drank paid duty, mi- dear.” ‘ Well, what of it?” said his wife, as she pulled off his boots. ‘‘‘Then midear, ain’t Ta (hic) duty-full husband?” She concluded that he was.—Cin. Sat, Night. Break, break, break, On thy doctored books, O bank, Let the brazen cheek of the President fled Tell how the securities shrank! —Graphic. But there is no | PUCK. ‘Tne late Senator Morton was an advocate of woman suffrage. He also believed that if a woman is bent upon jumping into a bramble | bush she ought to be permitted to jump.—An- drews's Bazar. | Dore, the French artist, is at work on a} picture entitled “ Death Stifling the Poet with Palm Leaves.” If he is a spring-time poet we trust Death will not run out of leaves until he | completes the job.-- Oi City Derrick. An Orange county man who only stole three | mink-skins has been sent to jail for thirty days. | This is otter inhumanity.—. Y. Com. Adv. Yes; if he was sable to pay a fine, he shouldn’t have been sent up.— Norristown Herald. Every girl who expects to give the young minister a present for Christmas is now working a chro: ¢ blue portrait of Judge Davis in navy yellow beads ona sky green slipper, with an ultra-marine red instep.— New York Herald. A MeEpicat journal says all poison bottles should be distinguished by some glaring pe- culiarity. ‘The man who is in the habit of keeping a private “poison bottle" will not echo this suggestion.— Zurner’s Falls Reporter. It is when a dry goods clerk of ninety-seven pounds weight, attempts to help from a farm wagon a farmer's wife of 203 pounds weight, that the reporter seats himself contentedly on the curbstone and waits for the catastrophe.— Kome Sentinel. A Buriixcton, Vr., man has a cat four years old that weighs twenty-three pounds. When the animal rehearses for an evening con- cert, the neighbors evolve oaths which weigh more than the cat. ‘This is reliable, if true.— Norristown Herald. Many clergymen do not yet know where their winter overcoats are to come from, but they feel a sweet and solemn faith that they will get seventeen pairs of slippers each about Christmas time, and that none of them will fit. —Rome Sentinel. An exchange has an article entitled, “How to Break up Setting Hens,” and explains a very good way; but it doesn’t afford so much food for contemplation as to Iet out the job to a woman who prides herself on her executive ability.— Worcester Press. Sitk stockings should be washed in cold water with white soap, rinsed in cold water, laid flat on a fine towel, rolled tightly until dry, and rubbed with a piece of flannel to restore the gloss.—/./.-Man. Don’t forget to take themoff, first.—/%/, Bulletin. Eccs are hatched by electricity. This method may be very expeditious and all that sort of thing; but the warm, beaming smile of Schuyler Colfax is a safer agent, if the temper- ament of the chickens produced is to be taken into consideration.— Worcester Press. Tue coldest storm wave of the season was experienced by a young man from Syracuse, who escorted an East Rome girl home Sunday night, and was detected by her father just as he was putting his moustache where it would do her the most good.— Rome Sentinel. Tue prevalence of dwarfs and otherwise de- formed people in Genoa is ascribed by a cor- respondent to the narrowness, crookedness and darkness of the streets; but this theory doesn’t tally with the conspicuously stately appearance of the Boston school-girls.— Worcester Press. Tue editor of the Worcester Press knows what constitutes marriage. He says it is ‘‘get- ting down to one cigar a day in order to pour money into the coffers of the man who sells striped stockings.” We are puzzled at this de- finition. Who pays for the cigar ?—Rochester Democrat. Rev. Matruew Hare Satu says that “the Bible is chock full of wit from-Genesis to Re- velation.” ‘That's so. ‘Take, for instance, where father-in-law Laban played it on Jacob in a way that the latter despised.—-Merw York Commercial. A Massacnusetrs clergyman, who prayed last Sunday for the present Congress, offered among other petitions the following: “O Lord, give them common sense.” This preacher apparently is one of those who refused to be- lieve that the age of miracles is past.—FAi/a- deiphia Bulletin, A Faire turkey walked into the house Thanksgiving morning, swallowed a $20 bill that the man of the house dropped on the car- pet, all rolled up. in a wad, and with a wild gobble of amazement ran off into the pathless forest to await the passage of the silver bill.— Burlington Hawkeye. ‘Tue color of a girl’s hair is regulated by the size of her father’s pocket-book. If the latter be plethoric, the girl's tresses are golden or auburn. If the old man’s wallet is lean, we hear the daughter spoken of only as ‘“ that red- headed gal.” You never saw a rich girl with red hair.—S¢, Louis Journal. ‘Tue city editor of an Auburn, N. Y., news- paper remained at his desk till 5:15 in the afternoon, went out and put on a boiled shirt, attended his own wedding and was on board the New York express at 6:40. This is the first recorded instance where a city editor was able to find an hour and twenty-five minutes’ leisure.— Rewey's Worcester Yet. A Newspaper says Boston has a colored man named Yale College. When he shall havea large family, imagine Mr. College standing on the front porch and yelling to her offspring: “Now, see heah, Dartmouf, how many times | mus’ yo’ po’ mudder tell you ter frow dat base ball way an’ stay in de house an’ larn yo A. B. Cs? Cornell, quit dabblin’ in dat watah, an’ come heah dis instan’! You ac’ like a fisherman. An’ you, Vassar, yo’ de wors’ out ob yo’ mouf, or I'll choke yo’ till yo’re black in de face.”—Derrick. Puck has a conscientious scissors man who manages to get the choicest gobs out of his exchanges. By the way—it may do his wearied soul some little good to know that in his occa- sional clippings from this column he gets hold of the squibs which produce the most demoni- acal grin on the countenance of the wretched mortal who invents them.— 700-modest-by-half Paragrapher of the Worcest.r Press. Ir issaid that the age of superstition is passed, but there are yet a great many women who wouldn’t have a dress cut on Friday for the world.—£x. What the dear creatures most hanker after is a Weddin’s day dress.—Pii/. Bulletin. The proper time for proposals, how- ever, is Choose-day.— Cin, Saturday Night. But the proudest day in their lives is their first son-day,— Whitehall Times, \t is Thirst-day every day in the week for us.—/nvoluntary Comment by one of Puck's staff. ‘Two Indian boys live by robbery, and they are just in their teens. ‘Ihese two hearts rob as one.—P. J-man, What careless botchery of a possible pun! A slight lisp would made it perfect. Thus, ‘‘Theeth two hearth rob ath one.” It is as easy to do these things rightly. — Phil. Bulletin, But when our esteemed co- temporary, the Philadelphia Bud/etin, does a thing like the above oughtn't it to italicize? We are not the daftest of the daft, but five minutes, eternally wasted, have slid down into the caves of oblivion. The play on the word throb did dawn on us at last, but, hang it, that isn't even the right quotation. Oh, why did we reprint this thing anyhow?—Ep. Puck.