Puck — December 5, 1877 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. 13 Quicxsitver—the nimble sixpence.—Com- mercial Advertiser. Ir night-air is unwholesome, how about the longevity of owls ?— Phila. Star. It would seem that Vanderbilt worse than he knew.— Cincinnati Sat. Night. ‘The spectacle of a fat man in a helmet-hat is what makes men murderers.— Hawkeye. Mr. Tatmace is about to abandon round dances in the pulpit.—. Y. Herald. Poor old Pop Corn Hewitt is reduced to the argumentum ad hominy.— Phila, Bulletin, ‘TRUTHFULNESS with Wendell Phillips seems to be one of the lost arts.— Newark Courier. Ir ‘Theodore Tilton makes up with his wife, will he apologize to Mr. Beecher ?— Cincinnati Sat. Night, Bor INGERSOLL says what made him an infidel is because Noah took bedbugs into the ark.— Philadelphia Chronicle, Bop InceRsOLt was introduced to a lecture audience recently as ‘‘a rising young atheist.” —Cincinnati Sal. Night. Tue Democratic section of Hon. David Davis appears to be growing heavier than the rest of him.—. Y. Tribune. Ir was of course a Western orator who in a burst of eloquence referred to “ Ramrod, the Mighty Hunter.”— Worcester Press. BaknuM ought to secure a collection of Chicago bankers, who appear to be the shortest men in the world. —St. Louis Journal. Tue new turn-down felt hats make a man look as though all the mean things he ever did in his life had fallen on him at once. Our great war Governors are. becoming scarce, but then we have a few Generals, Colo- nels and Majors left.—San Antonio Herald. Wuen M. Tiers was a young man he wrote a complete work on spherical trignometry. But he repented of it before he died.—. Y. World. A Miss PiGeon came very near being drowned at Memphis last week, but a man doffed his cote and dove in after her.—S¢. Louis Journal. Turteen is an unlucky number of persons to sit down to dinner—if there is only enough to go around comfortably for twelve.— Unknown Genius. Otp Lapy (to loafer): “My man, where is the Offord Arms?” Loafer (opening. his): “Here they is, mum, and offo'd freely."— Fun, (Style of joke they like in London.) Men folks have got to endure the dazzling effects of those red flannel skirts again this winter, It’s tough, but let ’em dazzle.—ZBerk- shire Courier. A Man in Louisiana has had four wives go off and leave him. ‘The fifth he swapped for an old shut-gun, and now he has got something that won't go off. “Is it proper to say, ‘I see the sun rising,’ or ‘I see the sun rise’? asks ‘ Balto.” Sir, the proper thing is to get home before it rises. —Mystic Mirth-maker. Tue governmentbuilding that burned in Washington, not long ago, had a great many subscribers notwithstanding its “patent inside.” —Cincinnati Sat. Night. A Sprincrietp evangelist announces that he will preach next Sabbath on the subject: “Ought a Methodist dance?” ‘Then he should follow with the discussion of the question: “Should a Presbyterian drink gin?” “Ought a Baptist play draw-poker?” and ‘ Why should an Episcopalian keep a race-horse ?"”"—Awki. In China it is customary to drown female in- fants. ‘This looks very bad, but it keeps peo- ple from leaving the sidewalk and going round in the mud,— Cour. Journal, We rec:ived a circular warning us to be care- ful when taking $10 bills, as so many counter- feits are in circulation. $10 bills! what isa $10 bill, anyway ?— Whitehall Times. Besides “That Boy of Mine,” “That Hus- band of Mine,” and “That Girl of Mine,” one can now read in Nevada papers “That Ophir Mine."-- Brooklyn Argus. A Racine girl-baby has just been born into the world with seven fingers on each hand. - Phila, Chronicle. Won't she make the piano of the future sick!— Easton Free Press. Puitapetpnta Christians have always tried to make churches attractive, and they have succeeded so well that one man was attracted there to shoot his wife.— Phila. Chronicle, Durinc a thunderstorm two dogs that howled dismally at night were struck by lightning and killed. Howling dogs should cut this out and paste it in their hats.— Morristown Herald. ‘Tue ladies are all down on the telephone. They don’t like to have a fellow whispering in their ear with his mouth, like Sheridan at Win- chester, twenty miles away.—/%il/a. Bulletin. Ir it is true Dan Voorhees ‘ doesn’t let the grass grow under his feet,” as the N. Y. Com. Adv. asserts, there will be a bad lookout for fodder in Washington, while he’s there.— Aula. Bulletin. Tue subject of a Western lecture is, “The march of man from the beautiful to the useful.” We suppose that this refers to man’s change from champagne to old bourbon.— Worcester Press. “In the sentence ‘John strikes William, remarked a school-teacher, “what is the object of strikes?” “Higher wages and less work,” promply replied the intelligent youth.—Un- identified Ex. ‘THe Worcester /ress believes there is a dif- ference between a bill-board and a board-bill. We fail to see it. ‘Ihe one is a poster, and everybody is opposea to the other, too.—St. Louis Times. A Frencu dancing-master in New York waltzed for seven consecutive hours the other evening without stopping for a moment. ‘That was what you might call a gyrate performance. —Richmond Enquirer. Loncretow’s sonnet to Tennyson reminds us that he is now probably wreathing a garland of poesy for our head, It may not be essen- tial, Mr. Longfellow, but our size is seven and seven-eighths.— Oi! City Derrick. Tue difference between the black and white race is easily explained. When a white man is choking he turns black, but when a colored man is in the same tix he doesn’t turn anything but his eye-balls.—Phila, Chronicle. Ir is said that the instinct of cats gives them sure intelligence of the coming of an earth- quake. ‘That must have been what a Hunting- ton Street cat was talking about the other night, but no one understood her.—Kome Sentinel. A Boston man, who was sent to prison the other day for forgery, had previously been so noble, so pure and so innocent, that the jailers, on searching him, saw where his angel wings had commenced to sprout.— ila. Chronicle. JuLes Verne’s latest hero is ‘Hector Ser- vadoc.” He rides across the country on a rainbow and alights on the grave of Moses. We have a suspicion that the story in which this hero figures is not true.— Norristown Herald. Ir is said that a statue of Diana, stone-dead, made of plaster of paris and emery, will soon be resurrected in Michigan. Very likely an attempt will be made to palm it off on the pub- lic as the wife of the Cardiff giant.—Graphic. Ir is said there is something noble in honor- able poverty, and there is hardly an editor in the cou..try who does no} feel himself loaded to the muzzle with the laurels of this glorious but inconvenient character.— Burlington Hawk- oe. Tue horny-handed politician who got him- self up for the workingmen’s ticket is now doc- toring his blisters and wondering what game he will have to play to capture the intelligent American citizens at the next election.—Hawk- ge. Grant laid a wreath of immortelles on Thiers's grave yesterday. MacMahon viewed him through a long-range lorgnette, and was understood to say, in broken English: Dar- nation! Je wish il would aller a Ballyhack!” — Graphic. Many clergymen do not yet know where their winter overcoats are to come from, but they feel a sweet and solemn faith that they will get 17 pairs of slippers each about Christ- mas time, and that none of them will fit.— Rome Sentinel. Untess the coming woman is born with a longer arm than those now in use, she can’t wear any more buttons on her kid gloves than the present fashioa permits.—Norr. Herald. How stupid to fore-warn her in that way. Now she will be born four-armed.—ii/a, Bulletin, Pretty soon the wintry winds will blow, the snow will cover the ground, the sleet will fall, the sidewalks will have a surface of mirror-like smoothness, and the mind of the paragraphing man will be perturbed by the lurid glare re- flected from striped stockings. — Worcester Press. Peorpte who label their letters ‘(in great haste” are dying off one by one. They are dropping off with Keart-disease. A’ week after they mail their important letters they see them advertised as being held for postage, and the result is fatal. Thus another great tribe will soon become extinct.--Derrick, “Is Governor Rice in?” inquired a seedy- looking man of the clerk of the Brunswick, Boston, a few nights ago. ‘‘ Yes,” said the clerk, “yes, he is.” ‘* Well,” said the man, walking out, “I’m glad of t's a wet night and he might catch cold if he was out.”"—. Y. Evening Post in a fresh mood. Man may labor all his life to achieve some dream of ambition, and may tread legislative halls, or occupy executive chambers, but when he is notified that his ‘riends are coming with a brass-band to serenade him, he realizes that he made a mistake in not choosing the humble lot of atin peddler.—Rome Sentinel. ‘THERE must be some truth in the rumor that Benjamin F. Butler is soon to be married. He has hardly said a word during the present session of Congress. He is evidently prepar- ing for the time when he will have to sit quietly by and let some one else do the talking.— Cleveland Leader. The Cincinnati Enguirer has been electing the next President. It has not yet disclosed his name, but it gives him ninety-three majority in the electoral college. ‘The Amguirer assures us that he will be a Democrat, and yet we are afraid that the Republican party will go on holding conventions, nominating candidates, and electing them just as it has done for six- teen years.—Philadeiphia North American, a comicbooks.com