Puck — July 18, 1877 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

| PUCK. THE GALLIC IDJUM. Boucicautted from the N. Y. Sun. Fe Hon. Index Noyes, of Ohio, and the Hon. Index Finger Evarts, of New York, sat together in the office of the latter, officially discussing the former’s appointment to the French mission. ; The personality of the new minister to All Gaul is not so generally known to his fellow citizens outside of Ohio as it ought to be, and’ will be before he gets through with the job. He is a man calculated to do credit to the American eagle in any part of the world. His presence is imposing, his voice impressive. When hespeaks, meaning no nonsense, but pouring forth repu- blican defiance from patriotic lungs, unsteady thrones will shake, and crowned monarchs tremble. “Tt will be necessary, as a matter of form,” remarked the eminent Secretary.of State, with a deprecatory wave of his willowy forefinger, ‘in accordance with the requirements of, the system of civil service examinations\adopted resent administration, to (Sul by the’ eof French to a rigid scru know! is one of the essentials of the systeni ne gaa soe oe yy the | ae Bae and the Gracchi—that. every. foreign minister ‘shall understand: the verni “of the govern: ment to which he is accredited, and in view of which rational requirement you will pardon me for kits ees you are Conyersant with the French idiom.- voo?”” ieee jjum,”’ said the Hon. Index Se encd “is my strong holt.” z -with fluency ?”” ; “P'gpeak “French or English indifferent,” “replied the’ Hon. Index Noyes,’ not conscious: ‘that there’ was: ‘deal of truth in the false- happy to hear it,” said Mr. Evarts, your ciency in the vernacular of Tal- leyrand and of ‘Thiers will undoubtedly enable you to'pass with éclaw the severe examination which you will be expected to undergo, under the strict rules of the new civil service system, at half-past two o'clock to-morrow afternoon, at which your—" etc. . “Do mean to say that you are going to catechize me, like a d—d third-class clerk?” demanded the Hon. Index Noyes, with a flush that indignation, but mostly appre- ed | rather blue. He felt that he had committed himself too hastily. “Well, I'll be thar,” he continued, with a tolerably effective simulation of unconcern. “Ah reveer.” ‘The Hon. Index Noyes felt that the situation was critical—that it taxed all the resources of Ohio statesmanship. ‘Three courses suggested themselves to his practical mind. The first was, to find some competent French scholar who could be dressed up to look like himself and hired to personate him at the examination. The second was to go in person before the examin- ing committee, but to be seized, at the proper moment, with a fit, the colic, hydrophobia, or some other distressing malady. The third, and most feasible, was to acquire the French idiom before half-past two o'clock the next afternoon. With this end in view; he bought an Ollen- dorff, but was not satisfied with the conversa- tional exercises therein presented. ‘‘I might live forty years in Paree,” said the Hon. Index Noyes, “without having anybody ask me whether the wife of the shoemaker loved straw- berries, tea, or literature. D—n the wife of the shoemaker! What I want is the genuine idjum, |, such as is talked in the best saloons in Paree.” Tee er ratsbioaey teboed to require of The French. minister next bethought himself of his friend and fellow citizen, Donn Piatt, formerly of Paris. The Hon, Index Noyes re- membered that when Donn Piatt returned to Cincinnati from Paris, that -cosmopdlite had great difficulty in understanding spoken Eng- lish, unless the words were pronounced slowly and very distinctly. It also occurred to him that Donn t had once told him that he was more generally remembered and more widely regretted in Paris than any other American who ever left that city, and that he frequently re- ceived letters from tradesmen and_ others, bemoaning his protracted absence from the gay capital. ‘He's my oyster,” thought the Hon. Index Noyes. ‘(If anybody s an autho- rity on the idjum, it's Donn.” When the Hon. Index Noyes entered the sanctum, Donn Piatt looked up cheerfully from an article on which he was engaged, recom- mending the assassination of Tilden, and said, “Well, well, this is kind! I salute, Monsieur le Diplomat. I kiss my fingers to His Excellency. You are looking well under your new honors. Ma foi, but you have quite the bel air.”” »“‘I knew he was my bivalve,” said Noyes id. ‘I knew it! What I'm after, Donn,” he continued, “is the idjum. Will you, put me Fup to it, Donn?” © Je suis charmé,” responded Donn. Got ‘}-afraid of the civil service reform crowd, eh? | Well, there’s plenty of time. You can’ capture the idiom in fifteen minutes if you take hold of the right/end and have a competent instructor, -Allons!' You see there’s a good deal of humbug about talking French. People pretend to know more about it than they really do. All that’s necessary for you, mon enfant, is to commit to Memory two or three phrases of general utility, learn to say them rapidly, and put in the shrug ‘at the proper moment. When anybody tackles you in’French, fire off one of.your phrases, and The shrug is the important thing. Let's see'you . The ea laaes Noyes, with some diffidence, leu!” cried Donn, ‘but it’s capital. Shoulders a trifle higher, perhaps, and just a little more grin. Now forthe phrases. Two will be enough: one official and one social. Learn to say ‘sacre bleu.’ It’s short, easy, and always appropriate. Never be afraid to sa: “sacre bleu!” when you're addressed in Frenc! and don't understand the remark. “Sacré bleu,” inquired the Hon. Index is the genooine idjum ?” a large part of it,” replied Donn. Te’ #%¥ou catch the accent parfaitement.”” charming, mum, in your new silk gown—trés jolie, peu polie, possédant_un gros magot——” Mr. Hayes entered at this moment. “ Hallo, Noyes,” he exclaimed,“ L hear that Evarts has made a blunder, and arranged to examine you in French to-morrow.” | “Forte en gueule! It’s a matter of indiffer- | ence,” said the Hon. Index Noyes, shrugging | with ‘dignity. “When one understands the’ | idjum he doesn’t fear an examination nohow. | Telle était Madame Angot.”” | Between the White House and the Cocoran | Art Gallery, the Hon. Index Noyes met the French ambassador, walking with a lady, The Hon, Index Noyes took off his hat, | Sacre bleu,” he said, with an affable bow. HOW HAYES'S CABINET DRESS. UR knowledge of the manners and cus- toms of the President and his family is daily growing more extensive. Startled at first with the information that Hayes liked Rhine wine, we became subdued’ when we heard that Mrs. Hayes would not allow her Rutherford to touch a drop of liquor. Again were we excited by the information that Hayes was the possessor of a superb bass voice, fol- lowed soon after by the astonishing discovery that our chief magistrate wore a butterfly neck-. tie. But the fact that Mrs. Hayes actually had dimples almost capped the liciax of the re- markable traits in the household. We thought we were deeply indebted to the Hartford Zimes for a description of the costumes of the Presi- | dent, and some members of the Cabinet. We | learnt from it that on week-days Hayes wears a black soft-felt hat, and on Sundays a black-silk hat. Evarts has two hats—a brown straw and awhite straw. Sherman likes calico hats, varied with a brown straw. Schurz’s straw hat has al- ready been worn two summers: Our usually veracious contemporary of Hart- ford\ has, it appears, been entirely misled in the matter. Puck has sent a special: costume reporter to interview the gentlemen in question, and the following facts have been elicited: Hayes wears a horse-collar, a pull-back dress of'lrish poplin, gored and braided with’ rail- road iron. His winter hat is a lager-beer keg with the head knocked in; and in summer a | cocked hat, made of half a sheet of tissue | paper, forms his head-gear. Evarts’s favorite | costume is beautifully simple, being the new Parisian style of in purts naturalibus, though sometimes varied with a pea-jacket constructed of the richest quality of ice sold by the Knick- Bact After a little practice the Hon. Index Noyes | erbocker Company. Sherman's attire is ex- found that he could accomplish the shrug alone, | tremely rich in appearance, and makes him the the sacre bleu alone, or the shrug and sacre } cynosure of all eyes. It is an ulster of dollar bleu simultaneously, with considerable facility. | bills, with buttons of dollars of our fathers. A quiet feeling of satisfaction stole over him, and his big heart warmed toward Donn. “As sacre bleu, although always graceful and appropriate, is hardly enough to sustain a_pro- longed conversation on,” continued the Donn, His bonnet displays the taste of the wearer to advantage. It is made of paper muslin, trim- | med with the choicest and most carefully bred potato-bugs. As Schurz likes to pun on his name, he wears nothing but shirts on all occa- “Twill now teach a formula much employed in | sions. He utilizes them as trowsers, putting polite and idiomatic circles. Now repeat after | his legs through the sleeves. me till you get the correct inflections.” | In ten minutes more the Hon. Index Noyes = was able to shrug and say, without hitch or Ir you want to get up a cheap reputation as hesitation, “ Trés jolie, peu polie, possédant un | a great historian, stop in the middle of a coun- gros magot, pas bégucule, forte en gueule, telle | try road and point out some miserable, forlorn, était Madame Angot.” | decrepit old structure, fast sinking into decay, . * * * | and observe, with a very knowing look and | your finger at the side of your nose: “ ‘Them's When’ the Hon. Index Noyes mounted the | Washington's headquarters.” Then somebod: White House steps that evening to assure Mr. | OF other will say, “‘ You don’t say so,” and)asl Hayes of the continuance of his distinguished | You to come and take something. : consideration, his carriage was erect and bear- | ing proud, for he felt that he had done a good 7 day's work. habits can do is to ask a journalist for a loan of Good evenin’, Mrs. Hayes,” he said, with | $50. Another safe thing now-a-days is to say Apout the safest thing a man of extravagant unusual gallantry and a shrug, “you're looking | “beer ” to a Western tragedian. comicbooks.com