Puck — May 1877 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A DEAD LETTER. SCORDING to the U. S. Mail provision, Twelve months ago this night T must have been— Abem!—the post returns unto my vision ‘The letter on that date that I dropped in. ‘The Joneses gave a ball in all their glory, ‘And Jones was flush, and prodigal of champagne; T sat with Nell in the conservatory— More to remember I have striven in vain. But judging from the tenor of this letter, T squeezed her hand. I think, though memory trips Upon the treacherous grape, I went one better, ‘And put some trif_ing pressure on her lips. ‘As from stray bones in prehistoric strata Grave science reconstructs types long since dead, I fix, from these epistolary data, Precisely the location of her head. Upon the moming following that occasion, I do recall how one long golden hair Lay in a well-defined, deep indentation Upon my shirt-front. So she put it there? Well, after that, I do not greatly wonder I wanted such a letter to indite, Praying no fate might keep our lives asunder: Bat where and how did I contrive to write? T cannot say. I only know [asked her If I might seek her out down by the sea. Perhaps it's just aswell she never tasked her Patience at Newport waiting long for me. She didn’t. For my inspiration, springing From champagne bubbles, like their spirit flew; And the address but set the postman ringing At 43, instead of 42. Else, what had been?- Who knows? I might have tasted A life-long ecstasy of love-born bliss. And she might not regret, as wholly wasted, Two waltzes, twenty minutes and a kiss. Pethaps so. But one thing, whatever else did, Would scarce have happened: I do not believe Maud’s head would have reposed where one time Neil's did, In the conservatory, yester eve. H.C. Bunner. FITZNOODLE IN NEW YORK. x. POLO AND AMERI- CAN ARISTOCRACY. Ya-as. Some fel- laws have intwo- duced Polo into this vewy extwaor- dinawy countwy. Jack Carnegie used to pwactice the game when he was in Madwas with his wegiment. I never would play it, because it was too much twouble. There are some tolerwably good gwounds at a place called Jerwome Park, and .as Jack had pwomised to join in a game at this place, of course I was obliged to go. I never was a gweat fellaw at descwiption, but some fellaws said the cwowd at this garden party was quite bwilliant. I couldn’t see anything to go into waptures about, although there were some wa- ther pwetty women, wichly dwessed. The Polo was wetched, and there wouldn’t have been any if a fellaw named Bobbins or Wobbins hadn't PUCK. twied extwemely hard to carwy out the pwo- gwamme. It’s weally doosid satisfactorwy and verwy gwatifying to Gweat Bwitain to have all the pwactices of our awistocwacy wepwoduced by twading Amerwicans, even if they are a lot of people without any family or pwoper English bweeding, and they do copy things indiffer- wently. Their twying to dwess and look like Englishmen pwoves at any wate, in my opin- ion, that they've got discwimination and a few bwains—although Jack pwivately doesn’t think so. ‘Then there was a German—I don’t mean a native of that countwy—but a dance in which they waltz in vawious ways to the music of Stwauss, or some other fellaw who wites music. Then there was “Aunt Sally.” Evewybody knows that’s a sort of black female cweature’s head, with a lot of clay pipes stuck in her mouth and forwhead, which everwy fellaw twics to bweak by thwowing sticks. One always sees this arwangement at waces in England, but the Amerwican pwactice was vewy poor. There was a bwass band, and lawn tents on the gween gwass, and cwoquet, and severwal other things;-and the affair on the whole was quite wespectable for an Amerwican entertainment. A fellaw I knew at the club said all the people here were the awistocwacy of New York, and some of them were Niggerbockers—fellaws of Afwican parwentage. But I don’t see how there can be any awistocwacy like the Fitznoodles in a young Wepublic. Our family came over with the Conquerwor, and some of the families of the fellaws here as emigwants in the steerwage, and all are what I call wubbish. Nearly evewy- body has been in twade, and the ancestors of the families who haven't were a lot of wetchedly low and poor Dutch cweatures from Holland, who got land for nothing, and wich by de- gwees—and even some of these are not two hundwed years old. But the gweat majorwity of the ultwa-fashionable society are what is called “shoddy.” I don’t know why, because they don’t seem to be differwently shod fwom other people. “‘Shoddy” families, I hear, made money durwing a war by contwacts, and iving differwent things from what they pwo- And I'm told some “ shoddy ” awisto- cwats still carwy on the pwactice. GREAT EXPECTATIONS IN OHIO. 2> Say" PUCK: P) Last week business called me to Ohio, and I traveled through a large portion of the State. About half the male population with whom I had intercourse appeared to be living in a semi-undecided sort of way, waiting for an appointment under the present adminis- tration. I arrived in a small interior town, and entered one of the largest stores in the place. The proprietor grasped my hand familiarly, and asked if I didn’t want to purchase his establish- ment. I returned a negative answer, ‘I'll sell it cheap,” he urged; ‘‘ you can have it on your own terms.” I asked him if trade was unusu- ally dull and money scarce. “ Why, bless your soul, no,” he replied. ‘Was never doing a better business in my life; but the fact is I ex- pect a foreign appointment from President Hayes in a few days, and I have concluded to dispose of my business here at a great bar- ain.” ay didn’t purchase. I left the store, and proceeding down the street, I observed a sign bearing the strange de- vice, “ Lager Beer, Cakes and other Refresh- ments. entered the caravansary and called for some “ other refreshments;” with a lump of congealed aqueous fluid in it. The proprietor was an aldermanic-looking German, with an open countenance and a formidable mustache. To my query whether the ‘‘ Murphy movement” was hurting, his business, he winked knowingly and replied: “Yas, dose Murphy vas von hoompug; but I shtop von this pizness in a gouple or dwo veeks, anyvay. vas vote dem Rebublican dicket, un I gets elected to some voreign coun- sulmans putty gwick now, un I sell mine shop out. I gets dem offises from Mister Hayes about next veeks, I guess.”” As I emerged from the saloon I was hailed by a man wearing an illustrated shirt, a trowser- leg in one boot, a skull-cap, and a brass ring half an inch wide. He was retailing aromatic shad from a demoralized looking vehicle drawn by a bony-fide horse. ‘Say, captain!” he called, “can’t I sell you a tip-top shad? Only fifty cents; and so fresh that the flap is not yet out of its tail. Come, say forty cents and take it away. This is my last load. I’m going to retire from the profession as soon as I sell out. Better have a fine fresh fish, captain. I expect to be serving my country as a foreign minister or something, under Hayes, before the blush is on the cherry.” I didn’t want a shad, but I did want my boots blacked; and accosting a full-grown, ebony- colored individual, I gave him a carte blanche and ten cents to ‘shine ‘em up.” “ Say, boss,” he remarked, twirling his brush around in the blacking, ‘‘ say boss, is you a Re- ublikum ?” I told him Iwas. ‘ Has you been ‘pinted to a forrun consulum yit?” I re- plied that I had no aspirations in that direc- tion. 4 “"Ya-yas, I knows yer has no ‘spirashums; but ef yer a Republikum and libs in Ohier, yer bound ‘ter be 'pinted to a offis, yer know. I guess my kermishum will be erlong purty soon, but I don’t spect any offis bigger’n a forrum constablum or a perlice offiser. Yer’s a lucky man, boss, ef yer was born in Ohier.” In another town, and several others, the same epidemic prevailed. I called tosee.an acquain- tance only to learn that he had gone to Wash- ington to accept a foreign mission, or some other office in the gift of the government. Ata hotel I met a man who informed me that he had purchased a woolen tactory in the East, and was making arrangements to move thither with his family. “ Were you born in Ohio?” I asked, eyeing him curiously. “Yes; and have lived in this State all my life.” “And you are not joking about going East to engage in business?” Of course not. I leave next “Well, you may be confining yourself to facts,” I replied, “ but, really, your story sounds like a romance.” «Why, what’n the —— do you mean ?" he ex- claimed, manifesting considerable feeling. “‘ Do you mean to insinuate that I am trifling with truth?” “Not at all; but you are the first man I have met since my arrival in Ohio this morning who doesn’t expect an office under Hayes’ adminis- tration,” I explained. “An office under Hayes’ administration!” he echoed; “ Why, you double-dashed fool, /’m @ Democrat!" It was quite refreshing to hold sweet converse with a man—although not of my politics—who was not sitting around, Micawber-like, waiting for something to turn up, in the shape of a for- eign appointment, and I invited him up to | the bar to clink glasses over the bloody chasm. A. Drumuer. ‘Tue Rochester Democrat says, Susan B. An- thony is Saxe Holm. And while we're on this subject, it may be well to state, we fear the Czar won't bring many Cos. Saxe Holm with him. comicbooks.com