Puck — March 1877 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

6 LITTLE TOMMY’S TALKS. Iam little Tommy. Tama smart boy. I know I am, because told me so once. pethat was on the day when I said I knew he was the man I saw walking with a booful fi lady in Central Park. Nurse said it wasn’t. 1 But I knew it was. She says it’s a wise child that knows its own father. Iknow papa. Nobody else ever spanks me. I know a lot of other people, too. I know Jim Gafiney. Do you know Jim? His mother keeps a candy-store around the corner. His father doesn’t live with his mother. I suppose because she sells candy. He’s too proud. He must be a very great man. Jim says he lives on a booful island, with water all around it, and a big stone-castle, with ever so many win- dows, right in the middle of it. Isn’t that nice? Jim says all his father has to do to live like that a to drink whiskey and fings and get \ When I'm big I’m going to drink fings and get drunk in a castle. Jim Gaffney’s an awful smart boy. Some- times he tells me to pull down my vest. I haven’t got any vest, so once I pulled down one of papa’s. I pulled it down when it was on him. He was eating his breakfast and he spilt his tea all over himself. Then he took me right up on his lap. But he wasn’t nice a bit. When I get big I’m going to the featre, like a. know what a featre is. It’s a place where they eat cloves, Igo to church already. Jim Gaffney don’t. “Whenever I talk too much, Jim Gaffney says, “ Wipe off your chin.” He's awful funny. I went to church last Sunday, and a man in a big pick goes. got up and talked—oh, so long. ‘Talked 'most a day and a night, I fink, ‘cause I went to sleep when he was talking, and he was talking when I woke up. Guess he hadn't wiped off his chin. . I got up on the seat and said so. I said right out and loud: “Mister, wipe off your chin.” Then all the people laughed. But the man got just as red! ‘Then papa took hold of my leg and pulled me off the seat. He took me home. I know it was papa who took me home. Never mind why. Next week I'm going to have another talk. THe American Drama. Messrs. Moody and Sankey are said to be collaborating on a new opera bouffe for Mile. Aimée. “WAITING”. TREAMLET, as onward you ripple and swirl, Call at my lady-love’s dwelling, Give my regards to the dear little girl, Say her adorer’s rebelling. Ask her to hurry herself, if you please,— Mind that you give her a rating; Tell her I’m sauntering under the trees, Bid her remember I 'm waiting. Robin, on guard by your true lover's nest, Go where my lady-love lingers; When you espy her, at once, I request, Perch on her lily-white fingers. Suddenly warble my plaint in her ear,” Tell her my love's not abating; Say that her presence her lover will cheer— Bid her remember I'm waiting. Say that I long for her heart-soothing smile, Tell her it's cruel to cheat me; Tell the wee lady I 'm here by the stile, Here, where she promised to meet me. . . . PY . * On second thoughts, Robin, return to your nest, Rivulet, pardon my prating; For now she approaches, I think it were best To tell her myself I've been waiting. H.C. N. DR. HAMMOND ON THE SPITZ, Tuere is nothing like a reporter to develop information. The way the average reporter extracts useful knowledge from the most un- promising subject, reminds one of the success with which the milkman draws cream from a common pump. Dr. Hammond has been known to entertain decided opinions, and a great many of them for along time. He doubtless holds more opinions to the square inch than any other physician in the State, which is a very ob- jectionable thing for a doctor to do. Though seldom: very mad himself, he probably knows more about the madnesses of other people than any other man in the profession, and in view of his vast quantity of undesirable information on that subject he has been called the insane doctor. But the reason of his eccentricities is now explained. He yesterday confessed to a reporter that he had eaten rattlesnake, though he was careful to add that he did not swallow THE DARWINIAN THEORY. the saliva of the snake, a remark that is quite as ertinent to the case as though an eater of flesh should throw in, by way of quali- fication, the assuring remark that he did not swallow the saddle and bridle. True, Dr. Hammond does not recommend rattlesnake as an article of diet. He confesses that he prefers canvass back and even porter-house steak to a fricassee of rattlesnake any time. But the fact that he has eaten rattlesnake at all will at once suggest the reason for the enormous variety of eccentric views, especially since he holds that the flesh of the rattlesnake is entirely harmless, and may possibly be converted into an article of luxury. This information was obtained by accident. In fact it dropped out unexpectedly, like a forgotten guinea from a fellow’s pocket when he is hunting for a half dollar. It was anent the Spitz. And the Doctor wants it distinctly understood that the Spitz is a cross between the Pommerarian hound and an Arctic fox, and, therefore, his saliva is poisonous like that of the rattlesnake, the copperhead and the mulatto. Therefore it is very dangerous to be bitten by either of these animals, and in eating- them, especially in eating the latter, great care must be taken to avoid the saliva. But the Doctor does not tell how the flesh of a baked copperhead or a broiled mulatto compares with that of the rattlesnake, an omission which we the more regret from the extreme scarcity of these varieties of meat in the New York market. He is decidedly opposed to the Spitz. It isa bad cross, The temper of the animal is irritable and unreliable. One can never tell beforehand when he is going to be mad and bite somebody. He is just as likely to get mad and bite from fondling as from teazing. The Doctor speaks from experience. He had a noble Spitz once and kept him several months. He didn’t bite anybody, the Spitz, and therefore the Doctor kindly gave him away. Whether his present owner has been more fortunate in this respect, and obtained a first-rate bite, the Doctor does not inform us, but his great kindness in giving the Spitz away will be duly appreciated. Dr. Hammond decidedly objects to the Spitz as useless, and wants him exterminated. But he makes no suggestion as to the manner of disposing of the animal. Considering his ex- perience in dietetics, however, it is a little sur- prising that he did not suggest a way of utilizing these fat and luscious animals for food. The New Zealander, in the old days before the simple tastes of the natives were corrupted by civilized barbarians, used to show his affection for his favorite wife by eating her. This sug- gests a way of disposing of pet dogs, which Dr. Hammond's extensive rattlesnake experience should render available, and thus enable an afflicted community to escape from the perils of the Spitz and the scoop-nets of Mr. Bergh. Graphic. ANOTHER Provers Rerutep.—It is asserted by statisticians that there is in England and Wales a preponderance of females over males in the population, and that of these ladies a large number are unmarried adults. There is a well-known proverb which asserts, with much positiveness, that ‘Man proposes”! In the face of such facts, how absurd is the saying! He evidently does nothing of the kind.—/uay. An Habitual Drunkards Bill is to be intro- duced in the House. As the Habitual Drunk- ards Bill is generally chalked on the door, we presume it will take more than one member to carry it.— Fun, Dr. Austen's new betaditroparabromdihit- roanilidobenzol is “pronounced” a powerful irritant. Whether it is ever pronounced other- wise we do not know.— Graphic,