Life — July 10, 1924 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

The Better Olympics LYMPIC contests, devised by the Greeks to perfect their youth in feats valuable in ancient times, no longer serve tilitarian purposes. Lire, therefore, has arranged a new «ram, better adapted to present needs. The events recommended for the New Olympics follow: Two-Mite Run ror Gasouine (from stalled car). Con- testants to leave marks when woman starter says, “Well, I'm sure we can't stay here all night.” Srrap Hancinc For Distance. Entrants to be equipped with one umbrella, three bundles and one newspaper, which is to be read continuously throughout the contest. All equip- ment must be carried on person and one hand must clutch strap at all times. Survivor wins. wNG Viewinc with Arar (closed to practical politicians). First place to go to contestant who throws most convincing fit on discovering nothing at greatest distance. 220 Yarp Matrimontat Dasu (for couples). Start from church. Both members of team must reach divorce court (finish) together. Inpoor Pistot SHootinG (closed to ladies). Revolver or automatic may be used. Silhouette targets representing male figure. Quick Luncn PentatHton. Competitors to start from scratch, collect meat order, cup of coffee and dessert from counter, carry them to arm chair, hang topcoat and hat on hook, eat food, don coat and hat, pay cashier and return to starting point. 100 Foor Sprint ror Movir. Seats, behind rope Start from moment lights go up for second show. Finish seated in front row. Tar ano Featner Race (teams of fifty). leave Klan headquarters, secure lone victim, carry him five miles beyond city limits, apply coat of tar and feathers and return to Klavern. Points will be deducted from score if victim survives. Lonc-Distance Sexiat Contest (for magazine editors). Test to be arranging 60,000-word story to adjoin greatest number of advertisements. Coat Hunt (closed to commuters). Points to be awarded on basis of elapsed time and number of tons of coal pur- chased at dealers’ depots. Mup Stincinc ror Accuracy. their own mud and targets. TEMPERATURE JUMPING (qvinter sports section). Contests will be conducted simultaneously in California and Florida. Jumping will start from zero, centigrade. James Entrants to be massed Groups to Entrants must provide K. McGuinness. TRE strike of advertising billboard painters in New York has taken an unfortunate turn. It is over. aL Judging from the number of honey- moon trips to Europe this summer, the Atlantic Ocean must know what it means to be crossed in love. aL Suggested course for the Ku Klux University: “The Gentile Art of Mak- ing Enemies.” L Mr. La Follette says he enters the campaign with several ends definitely in view. The Republican Party's, we as- sume, is one of them. Life Lines Membership in Congress is open to all citizens of the United States without regard to race, creed or Coolidge. aL Democrats hopeful of electing their candidate may take courage from the fact that even for the party now in power the days are getting shorter. A scientist claims to have established the location of Paradise in Mecklen- burg. This is a deliberate insult to hundreds of American summer resorts. aL It's high time for the coal miners to de- cide that they aren't being treated right next Winter. Telephone subscribers in London, so the report goes, numbered 220,000 at the end of March, And it's one hundred chances to one that that’s the wrong number. LL Mr. Mondell says the record of the Democratic Party without a single redeeming feature.” This almost leaves the Republicans without a campaign issue, doesn’t it? aL With the increasing number of inex- perienced and reckless drivers of motor vehicles, a fortune awaits the inventor of the pneumatic telegraph pole. comicbooks.com