Life — August 9, 1923 — page 25: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

The New Deities AIL, Phebe! Mistress of the changing dice, Whose smiles I pray, as far my fortunes race; And Juniper with presents that suffice, In Gordon bottles, Volstead to efface. On Nymphian Heights, Flappina sets her throne, Short-haired and slender as the Summer wheat. Glandulus walks the shaded paths alone, Unless a chicken chances down the street. Two-headed Jazzus, shaking as the trees, And Freudia, who explains the hidden ways, Olympus never knew such gods as these; And Rome had not such deities to praise As Flivvia, who has Mercury outsped, Or Cultus, solemn ruler of the dead. James K, McGuinness. Whyness of the Scarcity W iSHINGTON, D. C.—Replying to an inquiry from Lire’s special correspondent, Senator Smoot said to-day “The deplorable lack of bananas is entirely due to the failure of Congress to protect by adequate tariff duties the infant banana-growing industry of Utah and Ver- mont, against the competition of the pauper-labor products of Costa Rica and Jamaica. Juneau, Alaska—As a result of the recent Presidential visit, when it was discovered that this Territory was wholly lacking in the favorite breakfast fruit of the dis- tinguished visitors, the U. S. Department of Agriculture has made an appropriation of $100,000 for destroying the small red insects that have hitherto seriously impeded banana growing in the Yukon Valley. “{ HEAR THE LITERARY CLUB WAS A FAILURE. “YES. THEY ESTABLISHED A RULE THAT YOU COULD ONLY TALK ABOUT BROOKS YOU HAD READ.” a Late Defendant in Breach of Promise Suit: BY Jove, 1 WISH I'D WRITTEN MY LOVE LETTERS THAT WAY. Detroit, Mich—In an interview issued through his third deputy-assistant secretary, Henry Ford said: “It is true that I have hitherto been using immense quantities of banana skins in the manufacture of my indestructible anti- skid tires, but I have found a substitute in the wads of slightly-used chewing gum adhering to the benches in the public parks, and will have no further use for bananas.” Atlantic Highlands, N. J.—Prohi- bition enforcement officers seized here last night a motor boat loaded with bananas, which on examination were found to have had the contents re- moved and replaced by rubber bottles containing rum. Owing to the high price of bananas, cocoanuts will in future be substituted. Whidden Graham, How Do They Celebrate 2 WONDER what lawyers do to celebrate their fees. Do they buy new cars? Do wife and daughter get beautiful ropes of pearls? Do they buy annuities? Or do they just salt down? It is absurd to think that they use them all for the upkeep of the home; or to pay for their children’s educa- tions. They could never spend their fees all on that. How do I know? I paid my lawyer this morning. 7 Pe) comicbooks.com