Life — December 28, 1922 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

December Early up, and shocked to 21st find by the scales that I have gained five pounds since Thanksgiving, my intention having been to lose fifteen before New Year's. I fear I am not the stuff of which hunger strikers are made. To a shop far up on the East Side to look at Bohemian china, and found there a brilliant ar- ray of gaily painted plates and mugs and whatnot, but a label on the bot- tom of each did caution me that they were not proof against acid, so I bought nothing. The dishes we have may not be Art, but they are harm- less. To luncheon at a publick with cozen Amy, and forasmuch as she was to pay the reckoning, I did order sole at ninety cents instead of medallion of guinea hen at two dol- lars, which I greatly preferred. . . In the evening to see “Merton of the Movies,” a splendid satire on our so-called eighth art, with Glenn Hunter’s performance as good as it could be. December To the bank to get green- 22nd backs in suitable denomi- nations which I must pass out like an intoxicated seaman as Yuletide largesse. But Lord! the sailor in his cups is spared the sor- row of knowing what he is about, whereas I bitterly resent giving cur- tency to hitherto unseen servitors who spring up at me on Christmas Day like Jason’s army... ~ At cards this night in partnership with a Mr. Rathbun, a fanatic for rules but void of all card sense. He did mark aloud my slightest deviation from convention, even when it ad- vantaged us, until I was at some \ ' pains to hold my tongue. Finally when he berated me for making a bid out of book which had resulted in great gain for us, I did remark that I would rather be right than President, but not than go rubber. “ To bed without looking at what Samuel is to give me for Christ- mas, albeit my servant Virgie told me three days ago where it is hid. December A mad stir all day, with 23rd Sreeting cards and pack- ages arriving hourly. And I was glad in one instance of breaking my vow to open none of the parcels, for I did find that Lucy Beggs had sent me a fine silver bowl, whereupon I hastily substituted a choice strip of rare lace for the mod- est gift I had chosen for her. . Sam home early with three messen- ger boys tagging him, and their freight consisted of naught but flasks and cocktayle shakers, he being un- able to think of anything else at the eleventh hour. Nor could I resist reminding him that a flask would be just the thing for Edwin Clark, whose lips have never touched liquor, whereupon he looked so pathetic that T led him to the assortment of gifts for men which I had provided against juist such a contingency, and his de- light well repaid my pains to as- semble them. Methinks that I have thought of everyone, but Lord! experience has taught me that though I start my Christmas shopping in midsummer, I must needs raid the corner drug store at the last minute for emergency presents. . . . Andso to bed, praying that I may be spared this year from homemade ribbon ef- fects and hand-painted tin. B. L. After the Ball Scene: The interior of a taxi-cab Time: 3:40 a. M. Cuaracters: Two gentlemen and two ladies. First GENTLEMAN ISH the champagne had lasted. SECOND GENTLEMAN So do I. Only had two quarts. First Laby What a funny little woman she is! SECOND LADY Isn’t she. But it was a good party SECOND GENTLEMAN And everybody was there. First Laby I never thought the Cuthberts woul:! come. First GENTLEMAN Nor the Fitzbarbers. SECOND LADY Nor the Pembertons. First Lapy Nor the Tinkersons. SECOND GENTLEMAN But they all did. First LaDy What an impossible person he is! First GENTLEMAN I took him for one of the waiters. SECOND GENTLEMAN I never even saw the fellow. SECOND LADY And she was trying to be so correct First Lavy The daughter looks perfectly hope- less. SECOND GENTLEMAN Not a soul danced with her. SECOND LADY And what funny voices they all have! First GENTLEMAN How was it he made his money? SECOND GENTLEMAN Toothbrushes. First LADY Didn’t she use to be a school- teacher? SECOND LADY I think it was a governess. First GENTLEMAN Or a trained nurse. SECOND GENTLEMAN Good cigars, all right. Have one? \ comicbooks.com