Life — April 13, 1922 — page 22: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

People will be fighting to buy it at the newsstands. ASHINGTON, April 10, 1922.— Business in Congress is momen- tarily suspended while Senators Lodge and McCormick, the President and others debate how much their party has saved the taxpayers of the nation. The taxpayers, I may say, are not taking part in the discussion. Now I am a man of action. While the others talk economy, I practice it. That is to say, I have devised a plan which will, I believe, result in such sweeping economies that it may ac- tually put money into the taxpayers’ pockets. My idea is simply to turn the Congressional Record from a lia- bility into an asset—to make it as pop- ular and profitable as any publication on the market. Of course we should have to make a few changes. I should strongly advocate some- thing rather snappy in a “pretty girl” cover. To save expense, we cotld run the same girl on every issue, merely changing the title from the “Bathing Girl’ to “Merry Christmas” or “Miss Fourth o’ July,” to suit the season. Like- wise we could get a few good stock illustra- tions and_ redistribute them through each issue, * ok * HE Record will have quite the ap- pearance of any other magazine. Except when one of Make It Snappy Senator Sounder on the Congressional Record my speeches is reported, the contents of the paper are, I must say, unspeakably dull. This comes of course from recording what the legisla- tors actually say. Now I in- tend to substitute for the stenographers, the leading authors of the nation, who shall interpret the debate in their own manner. There’s the idea that will make the paper a money maker! Think of the spicy social satire that Mr. F. Scott Fitzgerald could get out of a debate on the Maternity bill; and Senator Twilley’s plea for erecting a post-office building at Little Bug, Ar- kansas, would give Sinclair Lewis a chance to write another “Main Street.” * * * RS. GENE STRATTON-POR- TER has agreed to supply the heart interest, and I fully expect that “Dimples” (a ninety-chapter report on “An Act Granting a Pension to Her- man Q. Schmielkranz”) will bring in more than a million subscriptions. The great scene in which Schmielkranz (Dimples), while working on the cus- tom-house building, dropsga load of bricks on himself, is quite in the au- thor’s best vein. Around him stand Angel Face, the Mouse Woman, and the Big-Hearted Man, weeping. Even the Villain has a saintly look on his face. Someone suggests going for a doctor, but Angel Face hushes him, Harold Bell Wright’s greatest novel, “Minna of Muscle Shoals,” based on the current debate in the Senate, will begin soon in the Congressional Record. while Dimples delivers a nine-page speech begging his dear friends to make the government pay. * * * OME have objected to my signing up Mrs. Asquith, on the grounds that we ought to confine ourselves to Amer- ican authors. But we need the spright- ly touch with which she can enliven a dry debate. For instance: “Page 8, line 15, after the word ‘shall,’ I move to strike out the word ‘will,’ and substitute therefor the word ‘shall.’ The need for clearer phraseology can best be illustrated by a little incident that occurred when Lord Beaconsfield was having tea with us. I asked him whether he would have one lump of sugar or two, and he said gravely: ‘Three.’ That is just the point to be made here.” Poetry must not be slighted. To my mind, Miss Amy Lowell has never done anything finer than the following plea for lower freight rates on butter: Butter, Let us clap our hands And think of butter Golden and glowing on the table And the children’s faces Crocus-colored. I want to bring you butter But how can I—ah, At 3.15 cents a pound For freight! Ugh! And onions pay not half so much, Nor pretzels. Dearest! Eat margarine instead. Brief as this outline of my plans is, I think it warrants the predic- tion that before long people will be fighting to buy the Record at the newsstands, and Mrs. Smith will greet her hus- band, on his return from the office, with: “Didn't you bring home the Con- gressional Record this evening? Oh, dear, | wanted to finish Harold Bell Wright’s ‘Minna of Muscle Shoals,’ and Zane Grey’s great Western serial, ‘Bonus Bill,’ be- gins today. Well run right out to the news- stand and get one before they are all gone.” Sounder. comicbooks.com