Life — April 7, 1921 — page 17: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

April? The Quick or the Dead HERE were 7,550,848 automobiles in the United States the last time they were counted, and I have successfully dodged more than half of that number, not including a few that have strayed down from Canada because the hunting is a little better south of the line. And yet I never took a lesson in my life. Grasping the rudiments of the call- ing by keeping out of the way of runaway teams in my native village and improving whatever natural talent I may have by sidestepping circus parades and laundry wagons in neighboring cities, I have forged steadily on until I do not hesitate now to get out of the way of the heaviest automobile on the market. Any ambitious young man can do all that I have done. It merely requires a keen eve for distance and the agility of a young, wild, sears, roebuck. With a fair share of these qualities and a paid-up in- surance policy nobody need delay in get- ting out of the way of automobiles as a profession. are, of course, certain elemental facts which the beginning automobile escaper should understand. The first of these is to pay absolutely no attention to the horn of the automobile, because from the horn of a car it is only a short step to the horn of adilemma. The horn is instal- led on the car for purposes of deception. It is the decoy duck of the motorist. Some automobiles are no longer equipped with horns but have tinkling little bells that remind the unthinking pedestrian of Santa Claus, and thus encourage him to hang up his stockings—in the hospital. Others lure one on with the siren’s song that sounds suspiciously like the noon quitting whistle. But all horns are the same in intent. They merely deceive the pedestrian with a false sense of security, because the speed of the car is usually so great that a horn sounded a half-block away is not heard by the amateur automobile dodger until he is going under the ether in the operat- ing room Perhaps an even more essential warn- ing is the importance of being utterly oblivious to the odd and interesting de- vices that motorists fasten on the front of their cars. The tin policeman with the whirling arms, the highly nickelled aero- plane, the silver eagle and other adorn- ments of the radiator are put there by the crafty motorist to draw attention away from the onrushing car. The man “HOW ARE YOU, MRS, DUGAN! who stops to gaze at these alluring gew- gaws will not get over his abstraction until he comes in contact with the con- crete. It is best for the beginning sidestepper to put very little faith in the traffic police- man. Many an ambitious young avoider has wrecked a bright and promising career by taking the word of a cop on the corner. The light wave of the hand of the law may mean many things besides safety for the automobile dodger. One of my early colleagues shunted himself into a firm, unyielding plaster-of-Paris cast simply because a traffic officer hap- pened to wave a passing greeting to a friend on a street car. By remembering these few basic prin- AND HOW IS THE DEAR CREATURE OF A BABY?” “HE'S PURTY GOOD, MUM—HOW’S TE pawc?"" ciples of auto avoidance, it is possible for any hard-working, clean-living, quick- thinking young man to rise in his profes- sion. If he sticks to business, he will be able to saunter casually along the path of the oncoming automobile with sufficient sanyfroid to encourage the chauffeur and yet with enough presence of mind to step deftly to the sidewalk in time to smile with a devilish leer at the baffled motorist as the car goes whizzing past Hinton Gilmore, Matrimony Up to Date ACHELOR (45) of good address is anxious to meet refined young woman with knowledge of housekeeping. Object, cookery. comicbooks.com