Life — December 2, 1920 — page 33: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Becember 2, 1920 “Yet how did you arrive this way?” I ask to know, “By several umpossibilities,” he holla with a long row of giggles. “ This after- noon, p. m., K. Sago, Japanese groceries, had a baby. This were umpossible. It were also umpossible that he should invite dearic friends to come to his home and get christened. It were elaborately um- possible that when 1 got there I should find 26 qts Italian pineapple whiskey standing there like a committee. It were umpossible to drink this, and when it was consumed up, it was umpos- sible to send K. Sago, Jr., round corner to store of Archibald Koo, Chinese dealer in boot-top wine, for sifficient negro rum to keep every- body christened for several days. “In short words,” collapse Syd- ney Katsu, Jr. “you find me in the candition which I am not in because the things I did not drink have disagreed with me.” “But Sydney Katsu, Jr.” I growell hashly, “any blind person can sce your jaggered state by merely smelling your distilled breath.” “That too are umpossible,” he deploy with mirthful teeth. “Hon. Congress have abolished breath.” “Horrus! It Sydney Katsu, my dearie schoolfrend, Jr.” 1013 After such wisdom like that I consider I must hunt up a police. Therefore I met one wiping his muss- tache behind a saloon which he was guard- ing from temptation. “Hon. Police,” I say so, “what America do without whiskey?” “Research me!” report Hon. I “T have never been obliged to see that way.” shall “T have a dearie friend who + shot,” I tell him brutishly. “What he done now? Legal Arrester. “He license,” I snuggest. “If it were necessary to shoot every- body for that,” he glub, “Gen. Crowder must draft vent more machine guns. ask out Hon. have been drinking without a 900,000 new soldiers and in- How could I do such wholesale with the smallish can- non now sleeping on my hip? And if so, where should I commence shooting? Should, in by executing Mayors, or should 1 n at home and shoot myself?” “That would be nice program,” I sup- pose. Therefore I* walk away with ink over my conscience. all waa’ Hoping you are the same Yours truly Hasuimura Tooo, The Christmas Spirit By Walt Mason I should die at Christmas time, I think my crown would be assured; for then I rise to heights sublime, forgiving wrong, injustice, crime, and every ill that I've endured. At other seasons I resent the evil that men do to me; on homicide I might be bent, but for those Uticas up-pent, which in the statute books we see. I wrangle o'er the garden wall with Neighbor Smith and Neighbor Jones; and I besiege the Weekly Call with letters large and letters small, denouncing things in trumpet tones, But Christmas gives my spirit ease, and I am tranquil and serene; the fecling of resentment flees like thistledown upon the breeze, and angry thoughts seem base and mean. The man who borrowed treasured books and said he'd bring them back next day, may loiter in my inglenooks and meet with no reproachful looks, and nothing caustic will I say. The man who has a written ode that he would read whene’er we meet, will welcomed be at my abode, and if he meets me in the road, he’ll find my smile is mild and sweet. The friend who has an ancient jest, that bearded story may relate; at other times I may detest such tales, but now the jocund guest is welcomed at my garden gate. For Christmas thaws my frosted heart and makes the world seem good again; until its memories depart I blithely tread the thronging mart, and bless my smiling fellowmen. And Christ- mas seems to lift the years that make me bend at other times; and young again Old Dad appears, and steps a measure when he hears the happy singing and the chimes. And Christmas comes to save us all from sordidness and spite and hate; then hang the holly on the wall, and deck the green tree straight and tall! They’re singing carols at the gate! Just in Passing HIS is the time of year when a woman doesn’t object if her husband becomes penurious. buy her a Christmas present. He may be saving up to OMEONE wants to know if woman can create. She can! She can create an interest in life, an illusion, a situation, a dilemma, a dénouement, a scandal, or her own complexion. 1EN girl it’s a sign he may be a great deal younger than he looks, a man begins to analyze the quality of beauty in a comicbooks.com