Life, 1920-12-02 · page 32 of 97
Life — December 2, 1920 — page 32: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This is a satirical letter written in deliberately fractured English by a fictional Japanese schoolboy character, mocking America's 1920s Prohibition era. The author, Wallace Irwin, uses broken grammar and malapropisms as comedic devices. The letter critiques Prohibition's unintended consequences, arguing that forced sobriety is causing nervous psychological damage and bizarre behavior. The six "tendencies" listed (like delivering laundry in suitcases after dark, whispering when ordering coffee) satirize how Prohibition drove alcohol consumption underground and made ordinary citizens act suspiciously. The anecdote about finding his drunk friend Sydney Katsu, Jr. sprawled on the sidewalk illustrates the irony: despite Prohibition, people still drink heavily—they're just doing it secretly and dangerously. The cartoon depicts a disheveled figure, presumably representing the chaos Prohibition creates. The satire targets both Prohibition's failure and the nervous, deceptive behavior it induced in American society. The broken-English narration adds a xenophobic layer typical of 1920s Life magazine humor.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Christmas Life Letters of a Japanese Schoolboy How Long, Please, Can America Re- main Sober? Editor Lire, chuck- ling newspaper, whose spectacles disable him to see the disgustly can- dition of Hon. World. AR SIR: In D this jolliday season of sweet jingles I feel siff- ciently yuletide to write you a letter which will alarm everybody. One annual year have now made passby since the Constitution of the U. S. was mended for the eighteenth time. Whether last mend are merely a patch which might ripp off, if neccessary, are problemb which aggrevates many churches and_ hotels where nothing is being done about it. Yet this annual year have emerged from be- ginning to end without help of spiritual beverages to get drunk by. Therefore question which should scratch every brain are thus: How much longer can America remain sober? Numberous educated doctors say-so that alcoholic amusement are dangerous when stopped, similar to golf. Neuro- plasmic anethema commence setting in when Hon. Patient are too long confused by Prohibition. This are very nervus state, “Tendency to deliver laundry in suitcases after darkness” By Wallace Irwin Undoubtlessly this yr. of temperance which has relapsed all over America make persons act very unexpected. I have been watching that Sobriety and my soul is all ploughed up by following nervus ten- dencies : 1—Tendency to deliver laundry in suit- cases after darkness. Rich gentleman do this very oftenly with democratic eyewink. 2—Tendency to whisper while ordering coffee in restaurants before dinner amidst Roof Garden Hymns. 3—Tendency to charge 20c for ginger ale because of high price of ginger. 4—Tendency to spend evenings in dark room with gas stove, oat meal, vine- gar, potatus, cologne, prunes, note- book, etc., until explosion. 5—Tendency to call at some houses more frequently than others. 6—Tendency to hold pockets by hip while jumping from street cars. Mr. Editor, this Sobriety have reached such point that nobody are safe. Smooth, civilized gentlemen become so filled with prohibition that they stay in offices and warehouses until untidy hours singing about college and making behavior which they could not do in days when saloons kept them respectable. If Hon, Consti- tution would make it possible to drink then maybe this nervus collapse would quit. For instancely, I shall tell you a Xmas anecdote which happened to me _ last Wedsdy (starlight) while I was santer- ing home from Japanese Thinking Society weakly meeting. My genius was filled with poetickal quotations to rest my brain and I was feeling quite Robt. Browning, thinking with difficulty, when my eye struck a very morbid sight. A gentleman, apparently human, of short statuary and fashionable shoes, had collided with himself on upper top of sidewalk where he sat on his elbows talk- ing patriotism to the surrounding scenario which wasn't listening. I became very Jane Addams when I see that smashed sufferer; therefore I lean down and took close look up. Horrus! It was my dearie schoolfrend, ydney Katsu, Jr! “Could such things be in civilized coun- try?” I ask out. “That would be umpossible,” report Sydney, raising himself by his cuff. “Who was it struck you?” are next question for me. “Not sure whether it was my foot or my hat,” he say for slight pathos of tone. I look again, and while I look several saloons came to my nose. “Good night, Judge,” he say, but I was not a lawyer. “O Sydney Katsu, Jr.” I commence distinctually, “what ales you down there in that position?” “T have done what is umpossible,” he conjugate, flopping upward to % his nat- ural manhood. “Shall I call you a taxy?” I ask to know. “Call me anything,” he permit it. “ Ex- cept you must not call me drunk.” He make 13 hicks after that and sat stationary. “Would it not be appropriate to speak of your intoxic cendition?” I dib dis- gustly. “That would be umpossible,” he dib with eyewink like Backus. “But you are tipplicated to extent of fulness,” I revolve peevly. “Umpossible also,” he argo. “How so?” I scramble. “ Sydney, why are you in so umpossible mood abgut everything?” ‘ “To night,” amputate Sydney, “I am a very great lawyer. Setting here on the sidewalk I have recently Jearned a great phenomenal. I have achiefed the umpos- sible and am proud as a X Kaiser.” “You are talking garbage,” I handout. Sydney took slight suction from bottle below his vestcoat before he say off, “Pussibly. Yet this evening I am all enlightened up because I have done that which cannot be done.” “Express your string of argument, if I develop. “Then observe here,” he say so. “It are umpossible to burst Constitution of U. S.; not so?” “Umpossible!" I ollicute with Elihu Root voice. “Very o. k. Hon. Constitution make it umpossible to obtain alcoholic, not is?” “Yes exactly,” I narrate. “So well. And are it not umpossible “to become inebrious with jollity unless alcoholic are swallowed?” “O surely Mike,” I renig. “T have proved something,” say Sydney Katsu, Jr. “Drunknness are umpossible. Therefore I am sober.” XUM comicbooks.com