Life — January 15, 1920 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Ode to the Sixtzenth of January H, fatal Friday! Monumental Dry Day! Ah, dreadful Sixteenth Day of January Hushed is that song of high empris “Give us a drink, bartender “Drink to me only with thine eyes! That expurgates the Nation’s commissary, Now is the dirge we render For all the ye; Of whisky, brandy, gin and beer and rum, The sparkling flow of Veuve Clicquot and Mumin’ Home-brew HM not beguile us in the least Hard c Away with grape juice rs to come, er is not good for man or beast ! whether primed with yea And all the wines—I cannot speak the worst; Or furtive ra Cheer feast, Drought leaves me glum and ¢ O Day accurst Of Thirst! sin your ry anh, If cheer ye can, with soda wan and pale, Or ginger ale! Can naught avail? Is qhere no Mandate, none, By which this Day's dread work may he undone Restoring us our wonted liquid ration: 5 what's the matter with the League of Nations? All Drops of H N more shall vi In vain we grope No h This arid Day hope! Has tucked away ppiness from mortal ken ntage, lightly alcoholic, Rejoice the weary soul and rule the frolic The News at Breakfast HERE is a charm ie ing up your newspaper at the 72 breakfast table. One looks ! forward with pleasure to the first: hasty of out tak= skimming articles But the reality is different from the expecta- the p: and the more striking items. ominent In my experience this is what happens : You unfold the sheet for a hasty lance and read, “Crisis in the Bal- Rumania rejects ultimatum, A cll informed authority whose name "Then says, lere is your coffee. I have put in your wife two lumps.” And with a smiling wel- come you take the cup and deposit it Nor men “When!” Irthur Gu You turn back tu the paper and read Balk ather, again, “Crisis in the Then your daughter says, would you please bring back from the office that little book? to do, and resume the re: Rum: which you promise —Bal Your says, ling kans a rejects ulti to breakfast, and “Good morning. It’s a fine day.” admit both statements and pick up the paper, hitting upon another heading of Captain son comes on without argu- ment, “ Record Fli Airship Jones reaches the kindness of her heart your wife says, “ Don’t miss your train, dear,” and you gulp the coffee, at the same time glancing sideways at the news to read, “Crisis in the Balkans Rum—" You skip down to “ author- y whose name cannot yet be given—” clet, news strike a vcreupon you take a bit of and on returning to the third item “Hoover Summoned out to Capital,” which you abandon as the paper slides into your butter, when you rescue it; and while you are cleaning off the accumulations you sud- denly realize that it is time to depart Whereupon fold (buttered side in) you up the news- paper and hastily leave for the office, wonderi what the Balkans is which you never find that crisis about— t till the crisis is old and forgotten news And as for the League of Nations you'll read about that through a hundred breakfasts, and know no more about it Eskimo. than if you were an comicbooks.com