Life, 1918-05-09 · page 12 of 40
Life — May 9, 1918 — page 12: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page presents humorous astrological character sketches of two men—Josephus Daniels and Leonard Wood—using satirical "horoscopes" as a format. **Josephus Daniels** is mocked for his Neptune birth sign, with jokes about his appearance, fashion choices (scalloped trousers, "gold braid insides"), and unsuitability for naval authority—ironic since he was Secretary of the Navy. **Leonard Wood** receives similarly pointed satire regarding his Democratic affiliations and military ambitions, with references to his future political prospects and a jab about avoiding "dark nights" and "woodrows" (a pun on Woodrow Wilson, presumably). The bottom section, "A Matter of Principle," presents a joke about prohibition arguments. Two illustrations accompany the text—one showing children at play, another depicting a burglary scene with spy implications.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Life’s Horoscopes JOSEPHUS DANIELS HIS gentleman was born under the cusp of Neptune, in the third mansion of the Moon, second story front with southern exposure, Pisces ascendant two points on the starboard bow, grape juice on the side and the Big Dipper half seas over, dancing the fox trot in the Milky Way. He has a lemon-and-seltzer disposition, looks well under the microscope, is easily influenced, and should wear his hair banged when in latitude 48 north or in the vicinity of Annapolis, Md. He will be successful as a waiter in a German beer garden, assistant helper at a bap- tizing bee or as kitchen maid ina W. C. T. U. ammuni- tion works. He should always appear at social functions in scalloped trousers with gold braid insides, eighteen-inch shoulder blades and repeating resignation stripes with Mellins-food effect on outside and inside. But when box- ing the compass or calling all the admirals aft to keep the captain’s hair down, and also when splicing the main brace, he should invariably appear in négligee consisting of deep- sea camouflages. LEONARD WOOD HIS young man was born with the orbit of the Southern Cross in pacifist opposition to Mars, West Point couchant, Teddy Bears rising and falling in the North, East, South and West, and White House vindic- tiveness growing in the cusp of the war zone. Gifted with vision and possessed of both native and execu- tive ability and a genius for common sense and truth telling, his horoscope shows dark Democratic eclipses, which, however, in 1919, 1920 brighten from vindictiveness to vindication. Those who know him best and have worked with him longest and most continuously will stick by him to the limit, confident in his loyalty and genuine patriot- ism. Will do his best work in France, and looks best in the uniform of a corps commander or chief of staff, Iut on dark nights should avoid woodrows. Will grow in popularity, beginning with May, 1018, and as there are five million stars in the heavens, five million privates will in two years testify to his sense of prophecy. Signs in the fourth mansion of Orion and Leo indicate that his orbit will soon stretch from Kansas to Verdun, A Matter of Principle “\Y/HICH do you consider the strongest argument against prohibition? ” “The fact that it is opposed by so many people who don't care to drink.” “rE. * News RE FORE. “YOU NAUGHTY BOY! WHAT WOULD MISTER HOOVER SAY IF HE SAW YOU RISKIN’ YER LIFE WHILE CARRYIN’ THAT BASKET CH? OF LUD Burglar: 1 FOUND THIS GUY IN YOUR HALL CLOSET, AND I'LL BET HE'S A GERMAD SPY comicbooksieera} }