Life — April 25, 1918 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

BILLY SUNDAY = HIS gentleman was born with all the planets on bases, Venus mak- ing a home run, a straight flush on the face of the moon, and pousse cafés rampant. When Mercury and the Crab are in conjunction with Cassiopeia’s Chair, the sun is up and there is darkness on the face of the deep, he should never speak abov whisper. Looks well in a St. V mother hubbard, and should practice climbing palm trees when in the soul-saving zone, or when about to obey that impulse. Should avoid large sums of money and live on Jersey lightning, malted gin rickeys and whiskey sundaes, with or without nuts, according to per- sonal needs. | W. R. HEARST HE orbit of Serpens being in peri- Go helion with the fourth mansion of the Moon, Mars hovering over Mexico, Aquila hiding under the Great Bear, and traitors visible in the medulla oblongata—it was at this crucial moment that our hero of a thousand scandals was ushered into a horror-stricken world, and the future “character assassin,” as he has been termed by Woodrow Wilson, moved into his yellow orbit. He looks well in a German helmet, with ircated hohenzollerns on the side, trimmed Don'ts for Departing Soldiers ON'T promise to bring home one of the Kaiser's ears to your sweetheart. Remember there are a million others going over too. Don't spend all your time studying French. A little Ger- man will be useful when you enter Berlin. Don't complain if you fail to get the cake your folks sent you. Console yourself with the fact that somebody appre- ciated it, anyway Don't curse the phonograph in the next trench, Remem- ber the Germans are suffering as much as you. Don't worry about when you will get your first wound. Speculate rather on how you will bring in your first prisoner Don't think you will he forgotten. Somewhere, across the water, a service flag is flying proudly for you The Real Thing i HY should he wear a uniform when he isn't fight- ing? “But he is. He is fighting red tape in Washington.” “LIFE: Life’s Horoscopes with Brisbane persiflage and mendacity tassels, Should avoid patriotic meetings, people who tell the truth, and dur- ing spring, summer, autumn and winter should live in Ber- lin. Will do his best work in a German U-boat, or as sexton in an internment camp. CLAUDE KITCHIN HIS gentleman originally had his 5 birth in parts of North and South Carolina, thence spreading over the South, and finally rising abruptly to a height of several millions over the tax-growing countries of the North, But with Mars ascendant and the orbit of Gemini in excess profits with Neptune and Cancer and eight-per- | cent. income jokers rising overnight | in the East, he came to life once more, and is now robbing New England Peter to pay Ala- bama Paul. He looks well in a complete suit of cotton batting, with prohibition handcuffs, and should avoid poli- tics, cold air and square deals. Does his best work under- ground, and, when emerging from committees, should make a noise like a statesman to camouflage everybody who doesn’t know him. He will pass away in November, 1920, amid paeans of thanksgiving UTM sigy evi py “vot! TUT! I'M SURPRISED TO HEAR YOU BOYS USING RAD N’ BAD LANWIDGE. WE WAS SAYIN’ ‘TO HELL WIT’ THE KAISER!" ” “on! 1 BEG YOUR PAkDon |" comicbook P XUH